I’d like a break, God, please?

Update- My bank discovered the location from which my credit cards were used to steal the initial $250: the friggin’ European Union! I have no relations in the region nor did I make any purchases for a product made overseas. I had to do some sleuthing of my own when I saw the “Overdraft Protection Transfer Fees” listed next to five dollars removed from my savings accounts when the first $250 went through and then another $270. The $10 isn’t a big deal if I had signed up for the OD Protection program which I willfully opted out when I opened my accounts. Do you see the unethical issue with my bank moving my money from account to account without my knowledge or permission? The thief (thieves?) would not have made off with so much if the checking account had went to zero and stayed there. I understand that a bank may offer to draw from one to cover the expense of another account when the difference in amount is under $50, which was not the case for me. Instead, my bank “replenished” the checking portion with the exact amount that was in there before the fraudulent charge, BOTH TIMES, and had the audacity to bill me for the “courtesy” with their ODP fees! Dude, absolutely not cool. The other fucked up part: none of the branch managers caught the $10 charge when they looked at my accounts and if they did, they said nothing to me. I had to make the calls to the bank before the money was returned and now, I simply have “provisional credit” (meaning they can withdraw it at any time if they deem the missing $500 was somehow legit) until their investigation is over!

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Five hundred dollars stolen from my checking account because the link between my savings and checking was never severed. Apparently, there are TWO kinds of Overdraft Protection. One allows the bank to charge anywhere from $2-$10 for EACH transaction made, after the balance has hit zero, regardless of total amount per purchase for which many big banks were fined for deceptive practices in enrolling each client (also, the one I deliberately opted out of when I opened my accounts). The second one allows money to be withdrawn from a savings account into checking to cover whatever negative balance has accrued UNLESS you, again, opt out of it *IF* you even know about it! Now, an investigation is being opened before I get the all clear from being a suspect in fraudulent activities in my OWN accounts! What the f–k!

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The fuckboy vs softboy

Quickly, I’m going to define fuckboy first because it’s simple in my mind: younger Millennials decided to take the word “player” and make it their own. Call it neediness, attention seeking behavior, lack of imagination, immaturity and what have you from those born from 1990 and on. The fuckboy is a tool, literally, seeking only one thing from another person: sex. Sporting the latest hairstyle for men, snazzy threads, intense/charismatic demeanor and mastery of flattering words, this guy is easy to spot (not only just because his Type A personality has drawn a crowd around himself and his entourage) at nightclubs, bars and coffeehouses. There’s no deeper ulterior motive behind his actions and he’s screwed the day he fathers a daughter (or son) because “sins of the father visiting on his children” and all that. The fuckboy will use you to satisfy his sexual needs and ego but he’ll leave your heart alone. In every major women’s magazine touting to cover fashion, make up tips and dating advice there will be at least one quiz a publication year to help someone figure out if indeed, they have slept with a fuckboy (i.e. confirming players gonna play in the summary evaluating your score 😉 ).

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This sums up my emotional state

Tsum tsum, baby!

How can you not like little, chubby cuteness? Don’t be heartless, my friend 😉 I need something (one?) to cuddle up to… because I saw my ex’s mother yesterday. It was supposed to be the perfect time to tie off another relationship to Beck and a final Mother’s Day gift. Of course, all my careful planning went out the window (I tend to rush getting ready and in that running about, a detail or two will always fall through) with a package of photos. Then, three major accidents en route (two in the opposite direction but everyone enjoys rubbing necking on both sides >=o( ) and being late for the hair appointment I set up ($125 well worth the end result for the haircut and shine; we have to go back to tone down the red lowlights even though, over all, it makes her look younger). We stayed for two hours to gently strip the bad black dye job to make it accept the new colors. Afterwards, a fun, light dinner at a Korean place (I used up this month’s spicy consummation but *so* worth it!) and “dessert” at Starbucks. I also got to see Benji who, at 11 years old, has a white goatee on his black pug mug: completely precious! I love him so much for his cuteness and intelligence; I taught him how to “shake paw-to-hand” in 10 minutes with only positive reinforcement 🙂

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Who art thou to speak on love and relationships?

This is going to be rambling because I do not know where to start. How about my day; it started with a car that didn’t want to fire up immediately (she’s 12 years old and these “hiccups” have persisted these last 3 years. I know she can only hold up well for another 3 years and then, it’ll be time to find and pay for a new depreciating asset 😦 ) en route to my cousin-in-law’s baby shower. It’s a huge surprise because they’ll have been married less than year when the expected due date arrives. I’m extremely happy for her! She fits into our loud, sometimes brawling family and she speaks the same dialect ^_^ We love her and we’re keeping her!

At the same event, I get cornered by my Aunt Terry to RSVP to her son’s engagement party WHILE her potential daughter-in-law is standing next to me. Here’s the contentions I (plus the majority of our family members) have about my Timmy’s engagement: it’s his first serious relationship and only 3 years old. In my culture, you have to date for FIVE before you even consider marriage because anything less isn’t enough time for a person’s idiosyncrasies/major flaws to reveal themselves and to be evaluated. Precedence in our family tree supports that wisdom: all my cousins who married under the five year mark are all divorced. Then, there’s the fact that my cousin’s fiancee will not eat our cultures dishes: she doesn’t even make an attempt to try. Why are you marrying a Chinese guy if you don’t enjoy a major aspect of the cultural via cuisine?! My cousin knew this and the very first Chinese New Year banquet he brought her to, she asked for a Chinese take-out type dish to be made especially for her because with a sneer, I quote, “I [she] don’t like this stuff. I can’t eat it.” She was sitting at a table of 12 with large family-style platters being shared and didn’t apologize for the affront as everyone else did eat “it” (the wonderful traditional foods). Timmy tried to spin some of the backlash as our aunts, uncles and other elders being racist/ethnocentric and I slapped him down. ALL (meaning two) of my non-Asian boyfriends were welcomed and they (i.e. only Beck) had the common decency to try to engage in our culture and cuisine without insulting others. I think it’s telling that Chris wouldn’t eat certain dishes so, that relationship was doomed. Chris’ refusal to make even the smallest attempt was insulting to everyone, as is this new girl. Timmy can’t see that and I can’t force him to because he’ll just dig in his heels. Amongst the first US born generation on my mom’s side, we think Timmy is trying to emulate my cousin (who’s wife is the mom-to-be) in fear of being left out. The kid is 27 but he has issues not yet resolved (his ADHD, inability to handle his drink, etc.) and the imaginary pressure isn’t being addressed.

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Damn dreams

Ever have strong premonitions that you want to ignore but the more you try to deny these gut instincts, the more the Universe slams it into your face? I’ve been feeling the irresistible pull towards my ex for a solid week now. Prior to last night, I dreamed of being with Beck and the daily in’s and out’s of seeing his family for three nights straight, all through the night. I didn’t cry until the last night because the ache, the empty space where he should be, slammed my waking conscious state. It’s this crazy gravitational pull I’ve been working against and it’s palatable like I’m carrying the weight of two states plus seven years lost. He still has power over me and as much as I tried breaking away from his loved ones (I *so* had five solid weeks in), the rubberband snap has me ricocheting back. What do I do? What can I do?

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Cheating: Lesson Learned

Let’s start with this: when it comes to ruthlessness and being tactless, I can be one of the worst. I might be more blunt with a loved one (I consider my friends as loved ones) than a stranger or acquaintance because I fear for them and whatever situation they may be tangled up in. Even as I write, I’m chuckling at myself because speaking in euphemisms is not an ability I have and beating around the bush just makes whatever message I have more convoluted. Therefore, when you read the conversation between me and my friends, I hope I don’t lose you when I sound like a bitch.

A little background: I’ve stated before I grew up as a tomboy and I’ve always felt more comfortable around guys than the girls (who could be really catty and fake). I know their body language and am privy to more gossip than my few female friends will muster up. The latter is probably because I’ve never tolerated gossip and liars and am more than happy to call someone out on their b.s. Running with the guys from elementary school up to and through college meant a lot of pressure standing up against rumors that I might be slutty and that’s why the guys followed me around (the guys stayed with me because they enjoyed my friendship and because where my brother went, so did I, my sister and girlfriends). I made it a point to date outside the district to avoid discussions about my love life and worked extra hard to either be with someone or not: there was no hazy middle ground. I sure as hell did not break up other couples and a friend was a friend and no more. Still, the gossip suggesting I was a player was impossible to put out, and partly, because I am very sociable and I’m always willing to include others than ice them out of my social circle. That can send mixed signals when you’re a hormonal teen and not me, but my codes remain unbroken: a friend is a friend and no more. If I wanted it to be more, you would get the memo first 😉

Come college, I did run with a group of “players” because I didn’t get shit from them for being friendly and warm. My early childhood as an outcast due to my ethnicity in white suburbia stayed with me for a very long time and I know what it’s like looking in and being kept out. It’s why I don’t exclude anyone if I don’t have to (I will not associate with bigots, haters, gossipers, violence seekers, etc) and that’s all the explanation you will ever get from me. Enter XY who, along with my college ex, did have the agenda of bedding and dating as many girls as he could. To this day, he has no idea what his count is and I lost track around 20-30. Recently, he experienced a life changing event and had to re-evaluate his modus operandi of dating someone and sleeping around behind her back every time they got in a fight or shit wasn’t panning out. He got a kick out of stealing a girl away from another guy if he just “couldn’t help himself.” None of my warnings about karma were taken seriously before this monumental moment of inner reflection. A common conversation on FB or via texts and phone call:

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Unfortunately, once a cheater

NOT always a cheater. If you have been deceived by a lover in the worst way, that is to say your belief and trust in love was violated, then, I’m sure you find some comfort that Karma will be a bitch and your ex lover will fall. We do unto others as we would do unto ourselves and we get what’s coming to us. Perhaps, telling yourself, as your friends and family have told you, a cheater can’t change and is destined for loneliness brings some solace; I know that to be untrue from personal experience on both sides.

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Time Progresses

How is it already March of 2017! Class is kicking my butt and today is midterms. Next week is Spring Break! I had planned on going to Hong Kong with my buddy but too short of notice for him (plus, the Dept. of State denied him a pass to go).

I’m beginning to see my ex in the same light as my loved ones (friends, too) do since our break-up. If they see me weakening, they firmly remind me that he still hasn’t apologized, hasn’t “manned up” and isn’t worth my love, my time. Six months is up (a deadline they set up) and I’m still standing, he’s still hiding. I know if I willed it so, he and I would cross paths but I haven’t wanted it on an unconscious level. It’s been a difficult task to do in staying away from his parents and pug on a conscious level; be proud of me, though, for having not seen them in over two months and having no contact for four weeks. There is no place for me in the lives which revolve around my ex: it’s been taken by another. The knowledge isn’t crippling anymore and I know that the time when they’ll all be strangers is coming along more quickly. About three or four nights ago, I dreamed of him all night and I woke up without heartache, without deep longing. I’m forging ahead, firmly and alone.

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Goodbye Muscle Training

They’ve been chiding me for a good month
Everyone in my circle pushing her to date
Pushing her ex from her thoughts and heart
They don’t want a very good woman wasted

So, I took her and dolled her all up
Her long, red hair and flawless skin
Required nothing more than touches
Her dress hugged the right features
Suede boots, stylish and classic
Thigh highs held in place by garters
Enhancing the turquoise lingerie set

I chaperone her date with a Wall St. broker
This is their third and like the last one,
Goes on for three hours over drinks and food
I watch his eyes linger on her lips and curves
As they walk towards the transportation home
His hand does not leave the small of her back
She lets him guide her, aware he wants her

The rhythmic sway of her hips into his side
attracts attention and I watch his eyes and mouth
set in a manner to dissuade his competition
Mostly, I see her internal struggle to stay than flee
She enjoys this man’s company, his stories
but her heart is still locked away: far from light
Far from pain, far from the half she won’t name

I whisper words of encouragement she can’t hear
The strength, the resolve she needs to trust again
Seems so far away for her: it’s easier to be numb
Cowardice was never her forte, she knows that
What’s unknown is if she can love and build again
After all, she gave him everything she could, save
The infrastructure that contained her personhood

As the financial analyst/investor tries to read her
I’m holding her, a hug from behind for the last time
He’s wrapped his arms around her waist as the A
comes in to whisk her away, leaving the ghost behind
His tender kiss has no price and yields a tear anyway
She gracefully returns it, softly and breaks away soon
The heartache is too much, the tears barely concealed

Her “goodbye muscle” is weak and in need of training
When she faces me, I look over her clear, youthful skin
A battle well won after weeks of stress, tears and anger
The body is rebounding much more slowly but with time
Anything is possible, anything can happen: love for her
I press her to charge ahead, to leave me behind to wait
We both know I’ll be waiting a long time: “love always”

That’s why I stay and she goes to find her next soulmate
She doesn’t need me in the way I needed her power of will
Her hourglass figure the perfect image of who we are
Together and apart but all contained in one glass piece
Existing in the same space: the Past and Present
Fragile, tiny particles Creating like jigsaw puzzle pieces
do for a larger, incomprehensible love story for the ages

She’s worthy of love; she just needs to work up the
Patience, Time, Resolve and Trust to go again
People like her aren’t meant to be used and abused
Rather, she’s to be inspirational and loved wholly.

I’ll be her past
Her children:
Our future.

A finder *finds*

A seeker might never finish his journey because then, he would be a Finder.

Let’s start with Valentine’s Day and the debacle of letting someone down gently. The teacher/musician-songwriter actually got on my case about my plans (just staying low key and being with friends) when we had a planned date for Thursday. I’m going to transcribe his litany of words and my texts back. For what it’s worth, I can’t read tone in texts and emails. A handwritten letter or phone call is so much more do-able.

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