I just got back from a roadtrip (SC to Saratoga Falls) and I am really back!!! I didn’t want to admit to myself that I needed this vacation, but everything is Bermuda water clear…

I’m not allowed to quit or give up or walk away because I wasn’t engineered to do it. As hard as I try to convince myself that it’s useless and nothing is worth the pain, nothing would be as useless as passing the buck. People need people like me – those who can take the BS and not crumble, endure the pain and come out fine, act as scapegoat/pillar and never tire, and survive when all that is left is the self.

You seem to forget sometimes that I’m only 19 and able to carry your burden for so long. This will be an age that I will remember as a most rigorous trial. I can’t believe you listened to me cry while I tried to push all the trouble away, and you still asked for more. There’s enough for me to deal with yet I am asked to take on MORE?! How do you do it? You say you see the strength, the will and more – ever since you’ve known me?? Do you have any idea how much pleasure and happiness I’ve denied myself so that you could have them?! No, you have no idea because I took it all with a smile and never gave you a clue as to my limit, my unhappiness. This isn’t my resignation from the position you forced on me. I’m the oldest? I’m used to these things and responsiblities? I don’t need to be happy, just as long as everyone else is? That’s the fastest way to kill me, but like I said, I’m a survivor, your fighter…

If you are someone I abandoned, neglected and/or ignored because I imagined a possible escape, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you alone when I know you need me. You can’t imagine what kept me up at night and wrecked my heart – I care, as some say, too much… I will always be here, but don’t lose me by standing still – there is no excuse for ignorance or stubborness (lord only knows how difficult I can be). I come back as you knew I would, stronger. Is it worth it? One day, I’ll answer that


One thought on “

Comments are closed.