When we say we don’t understand/really know someone, it is one of the most honest compliments we can bestow – no one can know anyone else to the extent we all crave. The loneliness we all experience to some degree is part of being a person. It drives us to appreciate those we already have in our lives, to be patience with new encounters and to search/hope for the one who “completes” us. Without a little rejection, insecurities and loss of faith, we don’t know what we truly want and may settle for less than we deserve. I’d have my heart broken a thousand times over as long as it meant I’d have what I want and who I’ve been looking for all my life.
I’ve got a chip on my shoulder 80% of the time and am guarded 100%. I don’t fall in love easily though I love others with ease. Life is my drug of choice and happiness my addiction. I can proudly say I count on one hand my closest friends and have befriended half the world (or so it seems). Maybe you don’t know the song in my heart and you can’t sing it back to me when I’m lost, but I know at least two things about you that 99% of your future friends/lovers/acquaitances will never know. I’ve seen you wounded, whether at someone’s selfish gain or your own folly, and I’ve most likely have heard your soul cry. I’m not always open about my feelings or thoughts and we’ve fought at least once. It’s easier to be angry and to scream/hit something than it is to admit we’re no tougher than a child.
You’re receiving this because at some point I found myself caring more deeply than one readily admits (that’s why we’re friends :o) and/or I fell in love with you (perhaps I still do ;o). Whatever form my affection is, it is forever. Don’t take to heart my angry tantrums, the “I hate you’s,” don’t ever speak to me again, my silent treatments, how I just walk away and don’t communicate for days or years, if I’ve thrown a punch at you, etc because the absolute truth is that I can’t tolerate for a second your pain, most of all if I’m the cause. I don’t call just anyone my friend and it’s not about second chances or first impressions – it’s about seven or eight impressions and fourth or fifth chances because something tells me you deserve/are worth it. If I didn’t regard you or some characteristic(s) in you as the utmost priority, we wouldn’t have lasted past, “Hello.”
I find myself at a crossroads and I wonder where we’ll be 5 years from now. I’ve been bustin my ass and trying to get these goals. In that time, I hope I haven’t neglected you. Above all else, I hope there’s more than just, “Goodbye.”
to be continued…