Deliberate sabotage

I’m really angry at myself for 1) not listening to my intuition 2)
hurting someone I do care about. I’m just not ready for a
relationship! I thought I *had* to move on with one of my best
friends but I wasn’t 100% there. I pushed him away with cruelty and
I’m guilt racked about having hurt him at all. But that’s what
happens in break ups – someone always gets hurt. Being in a
relationship is really not for me right now – too much on my plate.
Someone to cuddle up to? Fine, done. Someone to have intelligent,
fun conversations with? That’s what friends are for. I wish I could
get over my rule of not dating my friends. They’re amazing guys
with a lot of potential (I would know after all these years ;o) but
I’m done losing a friend after a break up. That part keeps me from
stepping out on friendship territory for a relationship. Anyway, I
need my space (I sound like a guy, hee hee =) and I have to
concentrate on me. There just isn’t enough of me to spread out and
I don’t have enough of the resources necessary (i.e. time, money,
heart) for a genuine relationship. I’m sorry, world. I really am. I tried to ignore the signals and I should have protested more, sooner. I told him and if I didn’t say it out right, there were hints all over the place: my worries, hesitation, all the issues I brought up as to WHY NOT, etc etc Right from the gecko, I felt forced into something I wasn’t/am not ready for and my only regret is hurting you. Bad timing, babykins – really! bad timing. I miss you, I love you – always have and will. Somehow, I know I’m dealing with this a whole lot better than you since I knew from the start *huggles* Like I said, maybe later, a different place or another lifetime…my best wishes and intentions for his future ❤

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