It’s just impossible to keep this pent up – MY BODY IS SCREAMING FOR RELIEF! What is meditation when your body is fighting for survival!? Many of you already know I refused chemotherapy because I felt the ends did NOT justify the means (ie: the immunity problems EVERYONE faces that I cannot afford due to being prone to pneumonia/Crohn flare ups, etc and the more long term ones such as early menopause onset and even permanent hair loss) – I’ve subjected my body to radiation (it’s basically cooking/frying your body willingly and dealing with far worse after effects but more heavily used for remission guarantee) and go through nerve blocks on weekly runs at a time. My life for over a year as revolved around doctor visits and only through the persistence of friends, have I desired to see/be seen. Fuck, somehow I’m a Miss New York/Miss USA pageant title runner and I can’t make myself FEEL true passion and excitement. I keep asking myself where that vibrant 15-18 year old girl went and sometimes, damn me, if I wonder she didn’t die back in 2001 and I’m the remnants… I keep so much to myself and grit my teeth, pound holes into walls/things and God help me, sometimes I fall to my knees begging for the courage to end my life. I’d rather look Death in the face than with my back turned and running scared. This is not living but the option of dying at someone else’s hands (a surgeon, nurse, a drunk, etc) is by far more abominable. Some of you have walked the last 6 years hand-in-hand with me and still, I know you do not know the whole story. My health is the bane of my existence – I remember how hard I had to push to before the fibromyalgia and I know I shouldn’t knock even what I have now: it really could be a lot worse. If I bow my head and cry, have I failed you? Self pity, any pity, has always hurt more than any illness/ailment and so, I cannot cry the tears that desperately escape my eyes when it becomes too much. If I died today, would I regret it? NO – I have experienced, had and accomplished more than what 90% of the world population will ever get…

My only wish is for you, my friend. My generation has fallen short of the mark but we can get out of this rut. We can still be the movers-and-the-shakers that marked the early half of the last century – it IS our time, your time. Perhaps, my only regret dying young is the inability to be in that fragile moment, to congratulate you when you reach one goal before you set out for another and another. I promise I’m still fighting but my heart weeps. I feel that I have failed all of my role models and support team – my teachers, parents, friends. You plucked me out of the group and drove all the promise of youth, dedication and intelligence toward accomplishment and recognition. It is my fault for not having better cared for my body and health but I would do it *all over again* for that unattainable glory =*o) Though I am now crippled, I know what it feels like to bring a congratulatory smile to SOMEONE ELSE’S face and to feel like the day was made for only you… If my hard work had not paid off so handsomely in the past, I do not think I would have had the strength to put myself through all this turmoil. I know that somehow I could be doing more but I am ashamed to tell you I have not yet fulfilled my promise of being someone important/celebrated who made it to the stars and beyond. The pressure cracked my body 7 years ago but I wasn’t ready to break. Do you still look up to me? I wish you wouldn’t….not until the day I can return something substantial for all the faith you put in me. Of all the emotions that have left my soul apathetic, I miss courage/anger/aggression (they were all the same to me) the most… I don’t even feel empty, I just don’t care what happens to *me* any longer. Who will take care of my parents and sister? Who will pick you up after a bad day/event and cheer you up until a better moment arrives? How do I die with honor and dignity?

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