My Justin has left for NC =o( Though I’m extremely proud of him for pursuing his dream (golf pro), his departure is another reminder how scattered we all become… Yes, I’m prone to my loner bouts (more so lately than not) but I *do* love and cherish my friends even though I don’t always express it ❤
I’m being pressured to sell my work at various venues and fairs this upcoming holiday – I don’t know why I resent encouragement right now but I do… I really want to be left alone (except by the coveted few) during this heath dilemma. It’s my body and I’ll do what I will – for all the passion I have for family and friends, I can’t/won’t let anyone dictate my life. As selfish as that proclamation is, it’s EMPATHY not sympathy or apathy that is needed right now. My very soul is suffering and whatever bright shiny light you see inside of me, propels you to say that you need me to live, I need a peace of mind. I can’t be your rock/support system in this state. My body is weak, my mind getting weaker and that “Daisy thing” beats less steadily, less vigorously with each moment I don’t see a future (too often these days). I’m my own worst enemy b/c now that I need what I have given you in your times of duress/loneliness, I can’t sum up just for me. The less I care about myself, the more I draw away and it’s just a matter of time before we say goodbye permanently.
Is it so tragic to die before you’re 25, 30, 50 or 75? I have lived a full life, I know this, *you* know this. Knocked down and kicked, some of you *STILL* believe I can do all those magical things from once upon a time. Your faith is astounding to me, some days. How can you believe in one person so utterly and convincingly? How has my current failure not faltered your beliefs that I will be “someone BIG” one day? Your friendships puzzle me since I am of no use to you now but perhaps, this is one of those lessons I am meant to learn – REAL friendships survive and flourish in the most dismal of times.
The confidence/arrogance which is the still holding me together is that firm conviction in a Plan for me. Since I’ve been aware of a much larger and powerful Presence guiding/watching/leading me, I’ve marched forward to my own beat willfully and unfaltering =o) I don’t know what to do w/ myself – settle down and bear children (*gasp*) or continue, blindly and alone, on the path to glory and accomplishment? I’ve been at the top and it’s scary, nevermind the total feeling of being apart from everyone else. I’ve so craved for a glimmer of promise and potential all these years but maybe it’s just time to accept me for what I am – OFAK.
I need a hug.