Tired, exhausted, fading… I know it’s the pain talking but I’m going into week 3 of this shit w/ a smile on my face and a “never-worry-about me” flippant attitude. I have to push people away, have to get myself back into the frame of mind of watching out for number One; if I concern myself with others, I forget how little my world has become and I begin to care again, thereby re-starting a cycle of friendship/relations that require more of me than I can give. I need to be selfish b/c letting down my guard allows me to entertain those two damnable words: what if? What if my future weren’t so unstable? What if I could plan for tomorrow without checking the weather (or not even having to when the pain gets bad enough) or making sure I have enough meds? What if I could cut all my ties in an hour and just disappear to another country, another plane of existence? My mind is all I have left!

I need someone to tell me it’s okay to hash and re-hash the same situation a hundred, a million different ways b/c there *ARE* a hundred million ways things and people can go: the glory of choice. Whatever thoughts, be they pessimistic or overly optimistic, I need to digest and have reflected back to me in different lights, angles so that I can re-bend them and toss ’em back for further analysis. My mind is all I have left. My body has failed me and my heart burns for that unattainable fuel residing in another mind, another idea, another being. I know me – I’ve known me since I was 13 and it was frightening! To have that type of control and flip it, turn it inside out and shape it back to normal again – my peers only STARTED figuring it out post-H.S. and most haven’t even come to terms with WHO they are; nevermind, what they want or desire from a relationship. Tired of waiting – I’m so impatient. I want my better, hell, I’ll settle for my equal to tell me everything’s going to be all right! I’m so desperate to not feel alone intellectually. Yes, my arrogance is amazing but if you have done even HALF of what I’ve accomplished, you would know this ache resonating through my heart and head. You would understand why I’m tired.

I’ve tossed it in my head countless times and I would re-live each moment of my life as is for those moments, both shining and gritty, have made me into this impossible person. Impossible to deal with, impossible to satisfy (mentally ;o), impossibly set in her ways. I wish I could change, I wish I could compromise but everything I do, I do with my own reasons. I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense to you: I did it for me. The fire in my belly burns though it sputters now. Like a flame about to burn out, it can keep burning given just that right accelerator. I’m burned out =o/

Night Terrors

My night terrors are returning… these are nothing in common with an average nightmare. They return on a nightly (or sleeping state) basis and increase anxiety and fear tenfold. It can get to the point where insomnia is self-induced to avoid these fright fests. In my case, there’s always an element of slow torture before a painful death for either the people around me or just myself; the former occurs more often than not. I can smell, taste and feel blood exiting from wounds. I’m locked in a position of immobility and so fearful that moving is in slow motion. I can never save my loved ones nor myself and it reflects in my current situation of being weighted down with the RSD, Crohn’s and GI tumor. I feel useless and am utterly helpless when my body begins spiraling downwards.

It’s snowing outside and the beauty of it is breathtaking. This extra year has been a blessing and should I die tomorrow, next week or even year, I’ll always be grateful for 2009. If you’re reading and are battling depression or depressed thoughts, know that it will pass given Time and support from your loved ones or therapist(s). It’s not easy asking for help and more difficult still just admitting that whatever burden you bear has become way too much. There’s a fine line b/t Pride and Arrogance – too much arrogance can topple a too precious and precarious balance of the mind, body and soul. Take a breath for Today is another day – do something worthwhile ^_^