To renege

You’ve always been so good at turning on a dime and leaving people confused as to what was said that upset you. You use military language as if everybody is out to get you. You’re stubborn and make rash decisions and almost always you’ve regretted it later on when cooler heads prevail. I felt like I was constantly being pulled in two directions with you: first I’m supposed to do x and then, I’m not supposed to do that. Everyone is expected to run on your time schedule. No wonder I got overwhelmed and tired of trying to appease you. I kept a lot of things locked up inside b/c they didn’t jive with you. The things I fought back on were important to me and you misconstrued my intentions. I knew you’d use the next fight, the next disagreement as grounds to break up with me. You don’t have the fortitude to care deeply about anyone for the long run.

You said yourself that I could keep in touch with your mother. Again, just something you renege on that I’m expected to follow. The only one being disrespectful is you towards everyone on the periphery of a five year relationship. It’s easy to push people away with insubstantial excuses and cut off all forms of communication, starting with a phone. I didn’t realize you still had an AIM account or could receive messages while you were signed off (I thought you had to have a cellphone for forwarding them as I had). I took your word that you wouldn’t look over AIM again: I wrote for me. How was I to know you were getting them without any indication from you? You’re the one who cut off all ties and for whatever bizarre reason expects others to do the same. Your parents give a damn about you so why be surprised they learned to love me, too? I don’t care what you want anymore. There was a time I did and I was terrified of a misstep that could set you off and once again, break up with me. I’m tired of that noise and I’m NOT sorry for giving and getting closure. When I spoke to your mom it was the first conversation since I drove off with the things that mattered to me. Self-fulling prophecy, right? For all those times I refused to answer questions about your state of mind and being, for five years of protecting your vulnerabilities and thoughts, dropping whatever I was doing and rushing to wherever you were when you needed me, it never occurred to me to betray you. Your assumption that I would go behind your back pissed me off just like your assumption that I would have taken away the things that really, truly matter to you. Let me remind you that you have a bigger mouth: how else would Fits know something about me that I’ve revealed to only three people? You have a lot of nerve declaring me as the one who betrays your secrets and being self righteous as you do so! It takes one to know one and you can take that and shove it, you smug asshole! This is the answer to your self-fulling prophecy that people are out to undermine you: you hurt yourself first by jumping to conclusions from far left field. It’s ironic how you try to teach your younger cousins about communication and relationships when the way you handle things aren’t appropriate.

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With her blessing

Let me predict the future: in the next few months, you’ll find a space all your own. If a “few months” is too vague, then the end of the year will find you securing a rent-contract and the first three months of 2016 will be your moving day. This last quarter of 2015, you’ll find your loved ones again: it’s imperative that you don’t squander it. They know by now it’s substance you need, not pretty words and promises. You use anger as a weapon and shield to keep anyone or anything from hurting you and should you get hurt, you add it to your armor. A peace of mind is a very hard thing to come by if you can’t consolidate your emotional and mental IQ’s.

It’s not fair to your family that you continue freezing them out; you’re also not as slick as you’d like to think because Chris still loves you and the inner desires you don’t voice. Chris and Fits know you better than you think. Fitz apologized for their reaction to me and the treatment of you. I’m not sorry for answering their questions about you because I had nothing left to lose. For you, I’m already dead and so will I answer that one day. Your continued refusal to acknowledge where you were and where you are presently, your frame of mind, belief in yourself and courage to go forth without depending 100% on family were all in part due to me.

I have a date tomorrow, Friday, and last night, your mother gave me her blessing to go do whatever makes me happy. I tried not to hear her frustration and resignation when I told her I had a date last week and I didn’t go because I still love you. It’s not fair to a date or any one who has asked for my attention that my mind and heart are still on you.

As the song lyrics go – just give me a reason, a little bits enough.

I never wanted to know what could break a person

My parents had a lot of friends I grew up calling my aunts and uncles. I knew the difference, even from a really young age, who was related by blood and who was not (the Chinese language is very clear on that point) and who had kids/were expecting. I *LOVE* babies and children in general: nobody had to encourage me to interact with someone a lot younger or smaller than myself. What I found more fun than playing, being able to hold a baby, change its diaper, feed it and help with bath time was being able to rock a baby to sleep in its car carrier. It was a big reward – not all adults could do what I instinctively knew, and I also learned I could love a baby who wasn’t mine by blood. These aspects of me would have made me a prime candidate for a plethora of children (we’re talking at least 12 here) had I not learned something else.

There’s never been a time my parents told me to marry for love. The discussion about *any* family planning in my future started with college, then med school, then marriage and finally kids. I watched my relatives who did marry for love and that alone flounder personally, financially and in the end, part ways. I’ve known that a strong relationship has its foundations in the things that reaffirm or introduce positive attributes of a person’s mind, interests, culture and socioeconomic benefits. Opposites may attract but that only goes so far to sustain individuals merging their lives: to live as one entity under one roof, belief system and to execute daily activities requires compromise. A more selfish and inexperienced person may never be able to appreciate a partner’s patient sacrifices and concessions in the name of harmony and emotional/mental stability as separate people and a couple. A matured partner may become intolerant of a partner stalled on development as a person and refusal to become a member of larger community. The older I get, the more hurt I take in, the more I become apprehensive about marriage and children. I’d always thought I’d be a mother some day and a damn good one at that! Yet, all the love, shelter, planning, resilience can’t stop illness and can’t stop death. At what point does black and white disappear all together or were they never there? How can you prepare a child for the blob of gray without completely shaking up foundations that disallow any to form?

My favorite aunts and uncles heard from me once a year, at least, for babies or at least more of them as I aged from 7 to 10 to 14 etc. I recognized good people who would be phenomenal parents and the world missing out on that was a tragedy, even a travesty for all neglected or unloved children who become young adults needing role models. My mom put me in my place more than once, saying that sometimes kids aren’t in someone’s future and it wasn’t my business to know why. I assumed it was infertility or unstable relationships/homes. It never occurred to me that it might be choice by reason of experience: that it was possible to hurt a person enough and kill a dream. But I see, now, how broken dreams can’t be sustained by broken people either.

Just came to say, goodbye love

A waste of five years nearly 6 and I know I’ve tried and I know a relationship is work but I stayed because I thought we were a great team. I feel angry and insulted because I think you took me and everything that encompasses that for granted: you told me you were all in but the first to break rank. I should have seen the writing on the wall back in 2010 when you returned from Adam’s funeral: but I believed in you as a good person, a good man. I’ve supported you throughout this, from disputes with family, paranoia that I would hurt you in anyway and figuring yourself out. I was naive to believe that I could stick with you forever through anything because it didn’t occur to me that you wouldn’t want it. I know you’ve done your fair share of navigating along and learning how to avoid the things that sparked senseless but intense fights and I do fully acknowledge that there were leaps you had to make which would not come naturally. Everytime you cold shouldered me, I had to use my nearly infinite patience to be reasonable and be brave enough to stay, to pick up the pieces. But you like throwing people out of your life and I know you feel like you don’t have many people on your side but I was. I would have never cheated, lied or deliberately hurt you the way you’re doing it to me. You’re your own self fulling prophecy: you expect people to betray you so you ran because you thought I would take our children away from you. I loved you too much for that but you listened to your paranoia and let your pride get in the way. I don’t feel respected at all: whatever was your intention.

Continue reading “Just came to say, goodbye love”