A waste of five years nearly 6 and I know I’ve tried and I know a relationship is work but I stayed because I thought we were a great team. I feel angry and insulted because I think you took me and everything that encompasses that for granted: you told me you were all in but the first to break rank. I should have seen the writing on the wall back in 2010 when you returned from Adam’s funeral: but I believed in you as a good person, a good man. I’ve supported you throughout this, from disputes with family, paranoia that I would hurt you in anyway and figuring yourself out. I was naive to believe that I could stick with you forever through anything because it didn’t occur to me that you wouldn’t want it. I know you’ve done your fair share of navigating along and learning how to avoid the things that sparked senseless but intense fights and I do fully acknowledge that there were leaps you had to make which would not come naturally. Everytime you cold shouldered me, I had to use my nearly infinite patience to be reasonable and be brave enough to stay, to pick up the pieces. But you like throwing people out of your life and I know you feel like you don’t have many people on your side but I was. I would have never cheated, lied or deliberately hurt you the way you’re doing it to me. You’re your own self fulling prophecy: you expect people to betray you so you ran because you thought I would take our children away from you. I loved you too much for that but you listened to your paranoia and let your pride get in the way. I don’t feel respected at all: whatever was your intention.
Maybe I ignored the signs because I’m still dealing with losing Stitch and my depression affected you. Somewhere between then and now, I felt the tingles that perhaps you were no longer deeply in love with me. I’ve told you before that one of the hardest things to do is figuring out whether and when you are in love with someone verses simply loving them. From what I learned during and after our meeting with Anne, we had to communicate in a neutral spot, figuratively and literally, if we wanted to stay together. I sat there as you told Anne you thought you loved me or used to anyway and I took it: your capacity for cruelty is instinctual and deep; you’d rather hurt and strike out at another person before you have any reason to and that rash behavior should have been another red flag. I should have said No. No more wasting another year, three or decade – we narrowly missed a tragedy of your creation. Don’t try to convince me that you loved me unconditionally: you came with too high a price. Disagreeing with you was never an acceptable stance and sure as hell not an option. Our once-in-a-lifetime connection hurts now.
My only regrets include sorrow that my love wasn’t enough to dissolve your pent-up anger, letting you get away with things I wouldn’t otherwise put up with from anyone, being the person who took heat for shit I didn’t do b/c I was also the only person to hold your dreams and reflect encouragement/support back to you: you’re not as tough as you like to think or act – you’re just strong enough to hate and resent, and finally, sharing such depth in thoughts and feelings regardless of distance: knowing how you were without asking. Somewhere that connection began to slip away, not immediately and not constantly, but I wish I had asked so this wouldn’t feel like an ambush. When I came to you after Stitch died, I felt a horrendous amount of pain and knew you weren’t completely there for me: for that you are a selfish asshole and you should feel like scum. But my hesitation to your ideas, opinions and suggestions or out-right-rejections shouldn’t have made you feel like scum. I’m now convinced you were never upfront with me and none of the vulnerabilities I showed and gave in good faith would make you understand my love was unconditional: it just gave you ammunition to do what you seem to do best – lashing out vindictively and deliberating. You by far were more manipulative towards me and our relationship than trusting, honest and open.
I don’t know how to fix or heal that invisible line between us and I may very well just have to live with it like any other physical wound. I don’t regret throwing in all the chips and losing or breaking a bond of silence about our relationship towards family and friends – we’re not going to play the break-up and get back together dating game. It was worth trying to mend or keep bridges in a state that isn’t completely destroyed. I didn’t reveal your deepest of secrets nor betray you – I didn’t “go behind your back” because I’m not giving you more fuel for your paranoia, anger and calculations. I absolutely refuse to validate such negative traits, but you wouldn’t know the distinction between that and validating you and all that encompasses.
“Goodbye, Love” – RENT 1998
Mark: Hey, for somebody who’s always been let down, who’s running out of town!
Roger: For somebody who longs for a community of his own, who’s with his camera, alone?
Roger: You heard?
Mimi: Every word. You don’t want baggage without lifetime guarantees. You don’t want to watch me die. I just came to say goodbye, love. Goodbye, love. I came to say goodbye, love, goodbye, love. Goodbye, love!