To renege

You’ve always been so good at turning on a dime and leaving people confused as to what was said that upset you. You use military language as if everybody is out to get you. You’re stubborn and make rash decisions and almost always you’ve regretted it later on when cooler heads prevail. I felt like I was constantly being pulled in two directions with you: first I’m supposed to do x and then, I’m not supposed to do that. Everyone is expected to run on your time schedule. No wonder I got overwhelmed and tired of trying to appease you. I kept a lot of things locked up inside b/c they didn’t jive with you. The things I fought back on were important to me and you misconstrued my intentions. I knew you’d use the next fight, the next disagreement as grounds to break up with me. You don’t have the fortitude to care deeply about anyone for the long run.

You said yourself that I could keep in touch with your mother. Again, just something you renege on that I’m expected to follow. The only one being disrespectful is you towards everyone on the periphery of a five year relationship. It’s easy to push people away with insubstantial excuses and cut off all forms of communication, starting with a phone. I didn’t realize you still had an AIM account or could receive messages while you were signed off (I thought you had to have a cellphone for forwarding them as I had). I took your word that you wouldn’t look over AIM again: I wrote for me. How was I to know you were getting them without any indication from you? You’re the one who cut off all ties and for whatever bizarre reason expects others to do the same. Your parents give a damn about you so why be surprised they learned to love me, too? I don’t care what you want anymore. There was a time I did and I was terrified of a misstep that could set you off and once again, break up with me. I’m tired of that noise and I’m NOT sorry for giving and getting closure. When I spoke to your mom it was the first conversation since I drove off with the things that mattered to me. Self-fulling prophecy, right? For all those times I refused to answer questions about your state of mind and being, for five years of protecting your vulnerabilities and thoughts, dropping whatever I was doing and rushing to wherever you were when you needed me, it never occurred to me to betray you. Your assumption that I would go behind your back pissed me off just like your assumption that I would have taken away the things that really, truly matter to you. Let me remind you that you have a bigger mouth: how else would Fits know something about me that I’ve revealed to only three people? You have a lot of nerve declaring me as the one who betrays your secrets and being self righteous as you do so! It takes one to know one and you can take that and shove it, you smug asshole! This is the answer to your self-fulling prophecy that people are out to undermine you: you hurt yourself first by jumping to conclusions from far left field. It’s ironic how you try to teach your younger cousins about communication and relationships when the way you handle things aren’t appropriate.

Dita gave me the answers I needed to know about you. I’m comforted knowing it wasn’t just me who you bewilder. I didn’t mind the work it took to understand you, to get close to you but the backlash from you had a toll on me. All the name calling, jumping to conclusions and being locked by the horns in a bull fight. Combine all that and add in the death of Stitch; was it so far fetched that I was internalizing everything? Your level of impatience and unreasonable expectations on the behavior of your loved ones leaves a lot to be desired. Nobody is a mind reader yet you expect it. I don’t know where you got the idea that I’m calling everyone in your family. I’ve spoken to Dita, I did ask Gent to tell you about the steamroller because I didn’t want to email you and have you shut down and your dad texted me, so? And seriously, what forum?! This is the type of shit I can’t handle: I’ve learned that the more assumptions a person makes and the more far out those assumptions are, the more likely the person lacks greater intelligence.

I didn’t ask for the things back to stay in touch. I asked for the things back that I truly couldn’t remember because of the state I was in. I really want my steamroller back, it was expensive (very pretty glass) and it wasn’t in the boxes I picked apart. I let you go when I left; you’re not the man I knew and you’re not the kind of man I want to be with now. The man I love doesn’t strive to isolate himself nor expect his partner to be a carbon copy of himself. You’ll never admit it to yourself how much you have in common with Chris nor how by far you’ve mastered manipulation of and over me. You had me where you wanted me: I believed in you and that should have mattered. You don’t need it though, do you? I know you’re going to be fine and do well for yourself. I hope you don’t give up on love and relationships because there’s a lot of good in you to be shared. Your father is much more emotional, patient and understanding than he gets credit for. Did you know he cried after setting you up in your freshman dorm? Don’t give up on him as you have everyone else. You’ve come a long way and I’m glad you’re in a happy place: you’ve earned it.

I’d write out the rest of the platitudes but you already have and you already know them. I’m sorry I hurt you, I really am. No matter how I try to apologize, you don’t want to hear it and I’ve given up. It seems like I’m the one who’s always apologizing. If you feel that you’ve been portrayed as the villain and me the victim during this time, you weren’t. For the most part, I acted in the same way I have throughout our relationship: I present my side, my viewpoints and keep you out of it. Judge ye not lest ye be judged, right? Yet you ride in on a white horse telling me what to do with my medications and the direction my health should take as long as it jived well with your oversight and approval, foregoing what my doctors want and what I decide. Seriously, what did I have to lose (when I had already lost it) by answering questions of me and you? If all my efforts were to reach a nefarious point (as you seem to think it was), why put in any effort at all at keeping your secrets? I’ve asked no one to intervene in our relationship or on my behalf. Except trying to get certain items back, it’s been one-on-one. You shut all the doors without giving me time to respond (like the time you thought I locked you out of your room because I was angry at you when in truth, I was asleep? Yeah, I was sleep when you sent AIM messages and emails) and I knew you would block my email addresses after that last one sent. I’m sorry if you read something that you feel blackens your name – tell me where you feel I’ve slandered you and I’ll remove it. This is my digital journal after all and I put my feelings down as they are because it matters to me.