Proof that I’m moving away from the toughest time period post break-up is a hungry fire sustaining center balance: not feeling sad or angry as often and even then, they’re passing more quickly with each day. I’m passed the point of doubting myself and asking what if’s. I’m done with excusing Beck and his actions while placing all blame solely on myself. There are more angles I can take/view for perspective analysis and I’m happy with that and myself. Until a few days ago, I wasn’t sure why I was apologizing and the only one doing it: I wasn’t clear on the cause or source of the inner turmoil. I felt like I had done something so unforgivable I deserved to feel horrid. Beck‘s the one who ended our relationship and the one tangling-up-in-knots/making more difficult closure. From what I gathered, he’s the one who conspicuously announced the end of our relationship by packing boxes and freezing out everyone else. He could have taken the high road but left that to me. For someone who abhorred people moving, taking, etc his things, I can only now laugh at the irony with which he approached my things.
I don’t know how someone who prides himself on correct insight into others could not reasonably see his own hypocrisy. Perhaps it’s deliberate blindness to the various degrees of his shortcomings that lends itself so well to holding other people to strict, impossible standards: especially without having to take them on himself. It’s the same willfulness tricking him into a sense of superiority: the unyielding measure of intolerance towards human fallacy. I don’t know why he always had to have it black and white: one winner, one loser, one in the right and the other wrong, fuck any gray areas. I’m pretty sure our relationship hadn’t been founded on the principle of weak vs strong or an eye-for-an-eye if you hurt me. I learned from that mistake with Chris Fedel who kept a constant tally in his head (which definitely wasn’t flawless in his favor) and it reduced the big picture into petty fights, details that chaffed and ultimately hurt him/us. How many times did I have to remind Beck that he shouldn’t have to apologize if he didn’t feel/know what he did wrong after a fight or argument? I don’t hold grudges and I get over my anger pretty quickly given some time and space. I’m willing to forgive someone if it means losing negativity sooner and moving past the small stuff for harmony. We should be improving upon ourselves all our lives, not locked in stalemate, stunted.
The only caveat I allow myself in disputes: there’s a real finite measure to my tolerance for slow development/progress and it’s exacerbated by a person’s refusal all-together to compromise unable to learn from his/her mistakes. I can give others a second to third chance: it is no problem but anything beyond starts to unravel my trust. If there was no sincere attempt at reformation and/or there was malice powering the decision making progress, c’est le fin. My misgiving(s) about someone’s depth of character combined with white hot anger are not something to toy with. I’m really good at getting all my ducks in a row and by the time justice is served, I’ve gift wrapped a present two years ahead of schedule for the unlucky recipient. I don’t lose sleep because I’ve ensured myself a peace of mind. There’s always a contingency plan in place should if another outcome (like an olive branch, unforeseen forces) manifests. I don’t like destroying people or cutting them loose but I’ve done it. Seriously, what’s the point of wasting years of my time getting to know someone? The abstract work and effort of cultivating relations is only tangible via the individual without which is a failed investment. Money can always be made, reinvested and lost. The latter sums up what Time is; there’s no going back and even saving it amounts to the same thing, a relentless march forward. I think yearning and missing someone is Time lost as well.