When people use FB to find my little blogspot, I can see when/which post is accessed and make an educated guess on who a reader might be based on the tags or topic of interest. The same goes with search engines and some of the terms used. What I wish had been a little more obvious was the toggle I can use to bar/restrict traffic. I used to be a bit more concerned with protecting the identity of family and friends, lovers especially. My psycho ex, Chris, didn’t know how to control himself over NOT trying to control me. The more he clung, stalked my whereabouts and visibly made aware that he was “not aware,” the less I gave a damn about his feelings and thoughts. Nevermind being more needy than a girl (cause the boy would start blowing up my phone if I didn’t pick up immediately or reply to a text instantly), it was the chronic passive-aggressive behavior that became truly unattractive. True conversation:
Chris: “I want you fat that way I can have you all to me.”
Me: “Nevermind potential health risks?”
Chris: “Nope because I’d always take care of you.”
Me: “What if I want to lose weight?”
Chris: “Why? So you can attract other guys?”
Me: “Or you could lose weight and attract other girls.”
Considering his terrible eating habits (veggies once a week wouldn’t have hurt him but he couldn’t be convinced otherwise) and lazy refusal to work out, those overbearing digs that I didn’t love him enough “to let myself go” became a spring of resolve for me to leave him behind. The incessant childish tsk’s and controlling behavior disguised as being for my best interests roiled into a present-day intolerance and disgust for PA and controlling traits in man or woman. Somehow, Chris couldn’t grasp that his mommy issues and his weight/image ones had the same source and I couldn’t stay with a man-child. Don’t break up with me one week or declare “we need a break,” proceed to drive by my house or where I work to see what I was doing, take down license plate numbers and abuse your access to NYS DMV records (and I had a meeting with some key administrators over the (il)legal actions on your part) and on and on in some bid to make me feel bad/alone. You know you were trying to milk the victim card but you couldn’t have known the limited time period for effectiveness. There’s nothing less sexy than a man with low self esteem and malevolent intentions. I didn’t owe you anything and I never would.
Another true conversation while we’re out at a bar. I’m in a pretty summer dress while Chris is watching other people watching/looking at me. He was constantly trying to stare people down, not succeeding and blaming me for it like I have control over the minds and actions of the entire male population. We’re not even talking about the other patrons when he turns to me:
Chris: “I didn’t stop that black guy from looking at you. You probably wanted it.”
Me: “What? Which black guy?”
Chris: “The one that walked by. I wouldn’t stop him from talking to you either.”
Me: “I have NO idea what you’re talking about! Who?!”
Chris: “Of course you want to know because you want attention from other guys all the time.”
Me: “You’re fucking crazy! I have no idea what you’re on or what you’re talking about!”
Chris: “I wouldn’t stop other guys from hitting on you because you’d probably leave with them anyway.”
Me: “Keep it up and I just might. Happily.”
I can’t control what others do and I can’t control what they think. I find comfort in those absolutes: they remind me that I could be a saint and still be guaranteed someone would be displeased, somewhere. Relishing in someone’s distress, tragedy, downfall is more negativity as a whole than satisfying. You’d always have to look for the next opportunity to make nasty comments/incorrect judgements, creating trouble and becoming an embittered (possibly even embattled if you’re instigating bad outcomes), tiny person. People like that puzzle me. Why not engage in dialogue or work towards resolution in lieu of sitting there stewing in a rotten attitude? There can be confrontation without undermining/hurting others to make yourself feel better. Creepy people are those who lurk and not because they’re observing: they’re objectifying living, breathing beings. You can be gorgeous but still be fucking creepy if you’re standing over/near me without saying a word. Creepy people are stalkers who keep taking from others and they don’t know how to share. They’re the useless, thoughtless and selfish people living in constant fear of being unveiled and discarded. They’re everything I am not and everything I do not want to be.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, do I toggle the search off?