Marriage is the only card left to play between me and my love; I’m anxious and unsure how to sort it all out. I still love Beck and I know I always will, wherever we are in our lives. The break-up and get-back-together game is exhausting and each time we break-up, it takes more and more out of me (though I’d bet Beck experiences the same). I’m a turtle when it comes to the emotional stuff. I need time to decide what to mend, keep or throw away. Sexually, Beck’s the supreme stuff and it’s really difficult to resist him: it’s like there’s a magnet between his legs and mine, matching opposite poles that aren’t separated easily. It’s been suggested that he and I could hook up together in between serious relationships with other people: in a word, fuck buddies. That only works if we don’t have an emotional attachment towards each other AND our future S.O.’s understand and accept the fact we’ll always have a significant role to play. I’m not suggesting that we’ll keep sleeping together as we embark on another relationship, only in between them. I don’t doubt that the vibe Beck and I have is/will be palatable to everyone when we’re in a room together. A new boyfriend/girlfriend will be intimidated by our shared past and probably be uncomfortable, if not outright unacceptable, to them. The “pick me or them” scenario would result in, “Too bad, I’m keeping him/her.” That’s how sure I am that whenever and however, Beck will be a strong presence in my future. Soul mates don’t need much other than finding one another. From there, it’s simply a matter of staying in touch because the hard part is done.
My knowledge of the searing pain and burning anger after a break-up remains ingrained. It’s not holding a grudge but remembering and learning from a monumental event. The process of separating components that belong to a two-some and those brought in by the individual. Post break-up, I wasn’t sure I would survive: it took six weeks to find my footing and my center with the help of friends, neighbors and family. I listened to Coldplay’s Fix You and needed someone to come along and put the pieces of my soul together. But it’s true that the greatest source of strength and resilience lies in you and nobody else can provide it. After a while, I realized I was still alive and all right: I was going to be fine. I am fine.