He doesn’t want to hear it, I need to release it

I am unable to confront my accusers and thereby, lay bare years of broken relations and flawed thinking. The one I should be able to tun to is unwilling to be receptive; my partner minimizes our issues in favor of the problems his siblings face. Call it deflecting, distracting and deliberate ignorance: they are roads which all end in the same pool of poison that kills lovers and whatever went with them. I think it very fair that I point out our reconciliation has only reached the one month mark and the issues of the past are still manifesting themselves via the collaboration to help Frizzles and Frenchie’s shot relationship. I don’t know how my partner can tell me to refrain from feelings of hurt and anger when Frizzles once again maligns my character and actions. His younger brother apologized in a half-ass manner but shows he wasn’t sincere and he’s definitely not remorseful if he can jump to conclusions on why I told Frenchie what he in return told his siblings. Perhaps it was a desperate measure to move fault to someone else other than himself and if so, I am definitely owed an apology. It created friction between me and Beck when Frenchie’s distress was brought back full circle. I should have listened to my gut and stayed out of it. Beck’s family is still learning what is appropriate behavior and dropping the reckless behavior of branding and condemning someone they don’t know shit about. I don’t get how he doesn’t see the pattern of behavior and the destruction they command.

Continue reading “He doesn’t want to hear it, I need to release it”

Devilish

What kind of person receives the attention and support from a 3rd party but fails to reciprocate? Especially, when whatever crisis the first was experiencing is over due to the 3rd party acting as a mediator? Is the first party in the wrong by scapegoating a phone call with #3 as an excuse to confront a different and difficult relationship conversation?

How can the 3rd person (a.k.a. me) be a catalyst for a much needed deep discussion between the first with her S.O. while at the same time, blamed for five hours of anxiety and angst in the middle of the night for person #1? It’s a pretty fucked up way of dealing with a broken relationship when one betrays/turns her back on an outside support system. Granted, #1 seized the opportunity to talk about tough topics with her ex but in the wrong manner. You don’t place blame on someone’s amicable attempt to console and reassure you (via a phone call) as the source of your tears, frustrations and bid for attention. You especially don’t do it and pass the buck just because you think you have a handle on your shit and no longer need the backing from friends.You ask the other 3rd party member if you can make her a scapegoat before doing so and bring up subjects that have been on your mind with your ex: because if you don’t, you become a hypocrite (engaging in vicious gossip) and just another reason why I don’t care for many/any girlfriends.

I don’t need nor want weak, petty, dishonest, gossiping, free-loading, co-dependent, thoughtless, disloyal and lying bigot-types in my life. I wash my hands of those types AFTER I give them enough chances to prove that they’re worth my while and to invest in a friendship. I’ve dumped friends for their immaturity (usually it’s lack of growth or too little of it), their lack of foresight/sincerity, devolution into fundamentalist beliefs, their need for constant attention via induced drama, their flakiness and passive-aggressiveness and anything else that strays into extreme negative outlooks/behaviors. It’s two strikes and you’re out: I don’t have the patience to wait around for the third strike. Thusly, I am able to keep positive energy around me and my loved ones. Integrity still matters, people! Words still have god-damn meanings and I am of the type who will hold you to them. So, when the time comes and you’re informed that our friendship is shot dead and over, please don’t act like you don’t know why.

My “One and Only”

You’ve been on my mind
I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows why it’s taken me
So long to let my doubts go
You’re the only one that I want

I don’t know why I’m scared
I’ve been here before
Every feeling, every word
I’ve imagined it all
You’ll never know if you never try
To forget your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I’m worthy
To hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

If I’ve been on your mind
You hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me
Whichever road I choose, you’ll go?

I don’t know why I’m scared
‘Cause I’ve been here before
Every feeling, every word
I’ve imagined it all
You’ll never know if you never try
To forget your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I’m worthy, mm
To hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

I know it ain’t easy giving up your heart
I know it ain’t easy giving up your heart
Nobody’s perfect
(I know it ain’t easy giving up your heart)
Trust me I’ve learned it
Nobody’s perfect
(I know it ain’t easy giving up your heart)
Trust me I’ve learned it
Nobody’s perfect
(I know it ain’t easy giving up your heart)
Trust me I’ve learned it
Nobody’s perfect
(I know it ain’t easy giving up your heart)
Trust me I’ve learned it

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I’m worthy
To hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I am the, one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

Come on and give me the chance
To prove that I am the one who can, walk that mile
Until the end starts

By: Adele

I know you’re asking and hoping I can forgive the last two months. I know I got tired of repetitive steps backwards AFTER you had made so much progress. It took so little for spats (between you and me or you and your loved ones) to spiral you out of a happy place and I felt unable, no, I didn’t have permission for my own shit to erupt without you again making ultimatums. The pressure to stay put together had its toll and when my coping mechanisms required support from MY network, you made it very clear what choice I had to make because you didn’t trust me to hold your secrets. I’ve been fortunate to come into my own person at a young age but that didn’t make some of the discoveries any easier. From family, friends and eventually mentors, I made calls that I promised myself to live by and never falter, never step back. I’ve doubted some of those decisions and I have my regrets and the ONLY solace I have is knowing that I did right by me. If my choices came to making life-changing, life-ending for someone other than myself, I chose the lesser of two evils. That’s how I knew I’d never leave the US permanently and we’d part ways should the time come that you made the right decision for you. I never begrudge people the right to choose selfishly for themselves or the chance to go back and fix a mistake. What is the deal breaker is being wishy-washy. I can do without a lot in this world, but a person of strong and unflinching character is someone I cannot do without for a partner.