I am unable to confront my accusers and thereby, lay bare years of broken relations and flawed thinking. The one I should be able to tun to is unwilling to be receptive; my partner minimizes our issues in favor of the problems his siblings face. Call it deflecting, distracting and deliberate ignorance: they are roads which all end in the same pool of poison that kills lovers and whatever went with them. I think it very fair that I point out our reconciliation has only reached the one month mark and the issues of the past are still manifesting themselves via the collaboration to help Frizzles and Frenchie’s shot relationship. I don’t know how my partner can tell me to refrain from feelings of hurt and anger when Frizzles once again maligns my character and actions. His younger brother apologized in a half-ass manner but shows he wasn’t sincere and he’s definitely not remorseful if he can jump to conclusions on why I told Frenchie what he in return told his siblings. Perhaps it was a desperate measure to move fault to someone else other than himself and if so, I am definitely owed an apology. It created friction between me and Beck when Frenchie’s distress was brought back full circle. I should have listened to my gut and stayed out of it. Beck’s family is still learning what is appropriate behavior and dropping the reckless behavior of branding and condemning someone they don’t know shit about. I don’t get how he doesn’t see the pattern of behavior and the destruction they command.
I refuse to “not get so offended” when the offensive behavior is repetitive over many years: I can’t survive in a dynamic where I am questioned and doubted by people with a small village mentality forever. I can’t let it go because it’s in effect excusing and glossing over disgusting behaviors and thought. If not now to fix it, then when? If not him, then who? I’m so tired of this bullshit. I’ve made it too easy for Beck to fall into the groove of boyfriend with his girlfriend when there’s still a lot of stuff to be discussed and results to be seen. I don’t think he gets that if we stay together, I’ll be forced to interact with his immediate and extended family as family (i.e. includes emotional occasions and definitive actions). Sometimes, I think he acts as if nothing has changed: that he was able to be cruel and to desert me, find himself, come back and everything is honky-dory. Nevermind how hurt I was, how wary I am of him and some of his motives and that the onus is on him now to prove that he’s worthy of me. He’s not quite in the dog house but pushing me to hold back my feelings when I need to express them are the actions of an asshole, no? How can I trust he’ll be there when I need him if he’s already pulling away, telling me not to send my rant/writing because he just doesn’t want to hear it? It’s not random anger either since it’s tied into his antics and those of his brother and his girlfriend, Frenchie. I think everyone over the age of 25 should have their shit together and enough of the kid glove handling! I’m supposed to be emotionally level when I’m being accused of bad intentions; no good deed goes unpunished. Even now, I’m being mindful of Beck’s wishes on MY blog, my little world where I feel I can do anything and know I’ll feel better. He’s either deliberately feigning ignorance or craftily enjoying my frustration and pain. Or it could simply be that he’s lazy and reverting to ad hominids.
Frizzle should have been asking me what Frenchie and I discussed. I’m so fucking relieved that the phone call was recorded because when you’re dealing with shady people, you have to have your own back. My partner criticized his mother for being in the middle of everyone’s business and yet, that’s the position he’s taking. I should have listened to myself more closely: had I, this wouldn’t be so rough/raw. Beck assumes we’re making progress but it feels like every three steps forward, there’s two backwards. Our relationship is on the back burner while he pays attention and works on the relationship of everyone else. You see, the problem isn’t me being “sensitive” – it’s the fact I recognize bad behavior being repeated time and again which Beck refuses to acknowledge. I’ve been the bigger person before and I’ve dropped the feelings before, in hopes that things would get better: it hasn’t happened. So, things are now being done my way.