and I am done

I spent Black Friday buying gifts for my loved ones. When I came across things I knew Beck would like, I bought them without hesitation. However, our last conversation kept playing in my mind and I realize my efforts will never be enough for him. It takes one to know one and when I’m being told I’m selfish and self-centered, there’s no better mirror for him to look at than that comment. Beck is constantly proving me right that when we’re both stressed out, it hurts our relationship. I know I have more clarity than he does when there are other sources of stress/frustration going on for him. I get pissed when he misdirects his anger at someone/something else towards me. Fuck that because I went into this conciliatory agreement thinking he had grown and saw things from a wider perspective. I had really banked on a higher maturity level and dredged up what little more patience I could find, so I sucked it up when all I wanted to do was scream at him. I admit this second go around (and it will be the last, now that I know how desired I still am by men and women alike. I had no less than 2 guys offering to pay for some designer jeans/companies I was buying for myself today), I didn’t start out with the same patience I had back in 2009. I felt like that would be asking way too much from me when Beck hasn’t shown half of the same and our fight last Friday was the clincher. Maybe I’m better at dealing with family strife since I was the black sheep/scapegoat for many years in mine. As a seven year old, it’s bewildering when you’re being punished or blamed for something you didn’t do and even when the guilty party IS discovered, there’s no punishment for them because I already took it; I wasn’t allowed to be resentful or angry either because I had to be the bigger person. At the age of nine, it started becoming more difficult for my relatives and elders to pin shit on me because I was becoming more secure in my higher thinking and reasoning abilities than most adults. From twelve to seventeen, everyone learned how little to no bullshit was going to fly on my watch and at nineteen, I took away their scapegoat: watching with pleasure as familial relationships frayed and fell apart because they were being forced to confront their inabilities to function as rational, patient and calm adults in civil society. When I am done, I am done!

I thought I was doing right by Beck, emailing him my grievances/stress about his attitude towards my indecision on becoming vegan instead of posting it here. Everytime, I try to meet him halfway (or even all the way like the private email vs blog issue), it’s not good enough. When I’m apprehensive about meeting up b/c I haven’t slept (I am really on edge when I don’t sleep) or he hasn’t slept/eaten well, he always acts nonchalant like it’s no big deal, he can handle it. He never handles it. I used to suck it up and meet him for dates when I hadn’t slept and inevitably, I’d end up in a car accident. I couldn’t gauge what was my insomnia limit on my ability to concentrate and drive. Not until my car insurance dropped me for too many accidents and the NYSDMV came knocking for a medical review if I wanted to keep my driving privileges. There were many more times where I drove 30 min to drop him off at PT, then work in the city and THEN, get stuck in traffic for 3+ hours. I pulled over to sleep but it wasn’t the peaceful rest I needed: just an hour recharge and then back on the road. I know Beck doesn’t have my recall memory but I don’t expect anyone to meet that level. What I do expect is appreciation and gratitude in the form of respecting my limits/fallacies because I’m not perfect but I’m always game to fucking TRY my best when I love someone. I can’t tolerate Beck’s consistent disrespect of all that effort.

The repetitious/seasonal timing of our fights is something Beck doesn’t believe exists: at the same time last year (week of Thanksgiving 2014), we fought on the phone, didn’t speak to one another for six days or do Black Friday like we had the previous four years in a row. This year, we didn’t spend Fourth of July, Thanksgiving/Black Friday together and I find it disheartening we’re not together on the holidays. I fully expect that we won’t have time together on my birthday, Christmas or New Year’s Eve and day. I know the holidays are stressful and my birthday lands right in the middle but still, it’s not a good sign of staying together: it’s indicative of drifting apart. I’m tired, I don’t think I have one more fight in me that will test my patience and I am done.