Why can’t he see he’s losing me…

… by repetitively and very persistently pushing my buttons, ergo driving me away? His rhetoric has become overbearing and condescending by calling my diseases a “burden unto him which he has put up with all this time.” As if I have ever relied on him to manage my illnesses or that I need him to assist 24/7 at all. Have I not dealt with my health before he came along and does he think I’ll die if he moves along to a new relationship, a different life without me? It really pisses me off that he throws my health in MY face like I don’t know the situation thoroughly and tries to leverage the times he helped me get somewhere up to 90% functional so that I could drive back to NY on my own to see my doctors. He has literally said he’s “put up with my conditions for the last six years” as if I’m supposed to be a grateful albatross around his neck and as if I lied about my health from the start. I told Beck straight up what the deal was and he said he knew what he was getting into but NOW, I have to change my values/beliefs/who I am to match his views, his wants. I know he believes a raw diet will “cure” my Crohn’s and asthma (i.e. my body and overall health), but he doesn’t consider that my peace of mind, my strength will be snapped for running headlong into a situation I am wary of. I don’t believe all the testimonials from “cured patients” who were diagnosed with the same diseases I have; especially, knowing that any disease can be experienced by varying degrees in each individual and those being cured by organic food alone could have been misdiagnosed. Beck counters that “not believing” isn’t good enough and I/my friends say believing isn’t enough to require someone change themselves entirely for another. God forbid, 25 years from now, after ALL that I do and ALL I change for him, he leaves me or wants me to become someone else entirely AGAIN. I’m not a puppet or a doll or a lab rat and I would definitely become a shell of a person (to appease my lover) existing in a somewhat healthy body. A healthy body can produce a healthy mind, but a strong mind can overcome a broken body: at least, that’s my philosophy.

Beck can’t hear the way he sounds/comes off to me. He doesn’t realize he’s trying to guilt me into a vegan way of life by saying I don’t love him or our relationship enough to change. It smacks of the kind of conditional love he rejects from his family and if he knows he’s doing it, shame on him. Being manipulated is a Defcon 5 situation for him but manipulating someone else is okay if he’s the one doing it? I’m supposed to be the best friend he’s been looking for all his life but he’s willing to throw me away because I won’t bend to and appease/obey him 100% on eating raw veggies and fruits. I wish I hadn’t let him drag me into an argument 2 weeks ago; I should have kept his frame of mind during his fasting apart from what he was actually griping about and let his bad day slip by my radar. But it’s hard to tell the difference between exhausted Beck and sensitive Beck without walking on eggshells around him. One word or phrase can be taken completely out of context or misread all together and I find myself on the defensive. I’ve tried telling Beck that I need him to tell me what and WHY triggers these tirades because the more bewildered I’m left, the less I’m willing to come back or even meet him in the middle. I know I’m losing my relationship and I’m losing Beck because currently, my little chart where I weigh the pro’s and con’s of him and us is tipping to the negative. We need help because I desperately love this man and I want to keep him but there’s no value in me for him if I am an empty person with a weak, broken mind. There’s nothing good for me if he can’t change or see clearly just a bit more.

I still don’t get why he doesn’t take me at my word when I tell him I know me and my limits. He’s not aware that he’s losing me of his own volition if compromise isn’t enough. Fucking hell! We need a professional mediator and not a counselor and it’s tough finding one who will take on an unmarried couple who have been married in every way, except by legal paperwork, for six years. I wish he could value me the way I value him and respect my limits at the same time. I grow frustrated because we’re wasting time and that’s the very thing we said we wouldn’t do. I wonder if my leniency has made Beck immune to a biting reality that there will come a time I won’t take him back, I won’t negotiate and/or reconcile if things continue as they have been.

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