Rough draft – Not even friends

CAVEAT: if you’re my most recent ex, you don’t want to read this post.

Correction (7/31/2016): I can’t lay the sex thing on your shoulders solely; I’m sorry for that because I know there were days where I couldn’t handle being touched. As much I needed it, the days when sensory input was intolerable, it was beyond my full control to reciprocate your affection and sexual attention. I hated rejecting you and I hated myself for reacting in a manner that would spurn a lot of lovers. The RSD/CRPS has receded enough now that I was looking forward to engaging in long hours of foreplay and sex on a consistent basis. I wanted you to enjoy me as I was before I got sick; to indulge in my sexual prowess and to teach/egg each other onward to new, heightened states of sensual and powerful orgasmic energy. I knew, when I met you, that I had finally found someone who could match and overtake me in bed. So, I simply apologize.

Remember Beck’s words: everyone he cares for is a shitty person and he has no problem getting rid of people like that. HE’S the victim: he always apologizes first, he’s the one to make amends and compromises, he never knows what to expect from me (ironic because I’ve felt the same way about him when I know the family front isn’t ideal), HE’S the one always fixing our problems and I de-rail his plans. Basically, saying I’m a shitty person. I know I’m not. I also know we didn’t see our problems through the same lens and therefore, couldn’t always see viable solutions.

Beck is always full of excuses and rarely the one apologizing first. Back in Feb, he made an ultimatum and I followed through with the answer he wanted. I get home and instead of an apology for your behavior, you say “it’s silly” that “our” behavior should make us break up when you were the one who left the car and pushed me into breaking up with you. I have no idea why I bit my tongue when I should have smeared your face into the situation YOU created. Maybe it’s because I’m a pretty conciliatory person when it comes to the ones I love and let it go; it’s my fault for letting these things flow off my back like water. I let you think your flimsy excuses about your mother shooting down your hard apartment hunting efforts, the food she was cooking (but you were eating) that you deemed unhealthy, how the food was affecting your moods into a negative space (and for which you never take responsibility for controlling) and your brothers being idiotic, etc. fly. I put up with your insane mood swings and instability and I even told myself that you actually might have some majestic plan where a family with you (kids included) would be fine without financial stability. Your very vague responses when I ask you exactly *how* we’d survive without money (the staple being “I’ll figure it out, I promise we’ll be able to handle it, don’t worry”) were never truly comforting. The God complex you’ve developed (telling me how and what to eat, the “clarity” I’d develop from the diet just because you found it via raw fruits and veggies, the putdowns and abundant insistence that you’re right and I’m wrong, how you can cure me or our kids, ALL OF IT coming from someone who has yet to walk his talk for more than 3 months) was repulsive and repellent. You demanded that I give up on my doctors and modern medicine as “proof” that I love you and that I was committed to our relationship but there was never a hand-off on what your part would be. You haven’t and never intended to get your paperwork (SS card, license, citizenship/passport) in order for the marriage license and there was always an excuse as to why you didn’t or promises that you would do it later. That’s all I asked for and you thwarted all my attempts to help at every turn, whether it was to fill out a few goddamn pieces of paper or float you the money. Did you ever try to hypothesize on why the sex wasn’t as frequent or did you just live in la-la land that the body I was most attracted to (the one you had in the beginning and which I brought up a few times, only to hear “I need to lose more weight/become skinny Beck and then I’ll be ripped again”) was “just another something you were working on”? It’s my fault for not giving me a harsher wake-up call. I was too attuned to your sensitivities and when I tried to talk in a round-about manner to avoid hurting your feelings or you jumping to defense mode, you got frustrated and confused. You want it your way, always.

I took what you said about me using language indicating “I was half-in, half out” of our relationship and really worked on not using it. However, it only occurred to me today that *YOU’VE* been using it for a damn long time and I didn’t notice. Who the fuck says to the person they supposedly love and want to stay with, “I’m not sure if I’m better off alone or with you,” and fully expect their significant other to commit/wait for you? Who says, ” I can’t take much more of this shit,” and “I’m tired of trying,” AFTER lambasting their lover for the same message?! A hypocrite with too much ego and pride who believes the petty fights WILL matter 10 years from now. I wasn’t built to carry resentment and anger and venting is what keeps me from taking more drastic actions. I know we didn’t see problems from the same angle and our solutions weren’t going to match up because the first step to reconciliation/comprise, is being able to understand the partner. I watched the relationship videos you shared, I bought the ebooks in good faith that we’d work together and all for naught. You could not and still do not appreciate me: all the times I came running when you needed me, backing you up and being your biggest fan, helping you help someone you love reach across 200 miles in a vehicle you’ve taken for granted because you don’t have to deal with the wear and tear, the insurance, registration, NONE of the larger expenses outside of gas, visiting a friend in a hospital after a vehicular accident for 3 weeks non-stop and NEVER EVER throwing in your face the greenbacks being spent or the fact that we were doing things that benefited you more than me. God, I don’t even want a friendship with you, now or years down the road, at this point: I’m *THAT* hurt.

I know I’m not perfect. I’m stubborn and I have to do things in my time, my way but I don’t foist that unto others. I don’t judge or condemn another person’s path, the choices they make or where they started/ended up. I work with what I have and I know I chose you. I chose you above the others, even though I saw some flaws, because I preferred loving you. I really thought we’d make it through these fights that won’t matter 10 days or 100 years from now and up until last August, I thought if I fought to keep us together it would be enough. It wasn’t because you made the unanimous decision to end our relationship and continue with your incorrect assumptions by sending me away. You don’t want a lover – you want a disciple that you can manipulate, who will adore and worship you, who will “yes” you, who will grovel, beg and debase herself for your forgiveness (the way you like it) and take all the mean-spirited things you’ll do and say when your moods take a swing for the worst. Until I realized you were pulling the same stunt with “half in, half out” statements, I was letting you screw with my head and making me think *I* was the one completely fucked up. I know I’m not – I have a job that’s pretty secure which I feel is beneficial 97% of the time (except for the times I see the pain he can’t yet express but that will change because I won’t give up on helping him find the words), I have a plan for the near and closer-far future, I know I’m not a quitter nor a horrible lover/significant other (though it’s those qualities that lead me to stay when I probably should have abandoned ship long ago), I’ll eventually be able to untangle myself/my mind from all the poisonous things you’ve said , the burns on my psyche and heart from all the venting and cruelty I’ve willingly taken from you for your want of your close friends/loved ones (who weren’t readily available) will heal and I’ll find someone better suited for me. It won’t happen by the weekend – I don’t move as fast as you do when seeking out carnal pleasures and even less so when trying to connect mentally/emotionally with someone (be it message boards, other virtual/real-time means). That isn’t to say that someone of my caliber stays single for long either, I promise.

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One thought on “Rough draft – Not even friends

  1. I don’t know you. But I read every single line in this article. It still is kinda dis-orienting to see so many similarities in me and my bf. I was thinking of breaking up with him for quite a while now. But I have been hesitating because I see the relationship get better in some ways. Now after reading this, m wondering if the improvement i see is just temporary.

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