As I was doing the dishes last night and driving to my ex’s, I was insanely turned on and I wasn’t even trying! It was like every time my skin prickled up, I was aware of my ex’s thoughts and actions: call it brain orgasms? He did me a favor by not being in the proximity as I dropped off some things at a late hour (do not get me started on city traffic coupled with baseball games/concerts at the stadiums, road work and dumbasses armed with one ton weapons). I’m losing, under the pressure of necessary intimacy and sex, my grip on holding out on sex with Beck: just Skyping with him makes me want to reach through the laptop screen and jump into his lap. My strategy for remaining stoic through our breakup involved not staying in constant touch with him, to try to put as much distance between us so that hearing he’s been with other women won’t cut as deep, to salvage as much of a friendship we could manage, to keep sex out of the picture and all I wanted to do this weekend was beg for him to take me back so that the last fight could be just another fight to fade into the background. I desperately wanted his body against mine, wanting him to kiss me hard and repeatedly and to wake up next to him… but I know begging doesn’t work and all it would accomplish would be me feeling shitty and debased. Last August, I apologized over and over, literally on my knees, but Beck can be an asshole in his self-righteousness. He watched me cry and threw out everything I’d lovingly made, that we’d acquired, every photograph and random token that described a six year long relationship. He watched and made no move to console me. That day changed my perception of him completely and I came to the hard conclusion that the man I met and fell in love with was no longer around. I only survived with the help of many friends who flocked to me in my distress and this time around, I was prepared for the things to come and stood on my own (upheld by the conviction that my friends would be around if I needed them again).
Being that Beck is my best friend, my confidant who knows almost every intimate thing about me and my body, and I know him just as deeply, there are minuscule chances that we can be separated for long. Everytime, I’m in my car and I have very persistent thoughts of him, a song by Pink invariably comes on the radio and on any station I choose. It’s like the Universe doesn’t give a damn what my plans are or my resistance, I *will* be subjected and reminded of Beck. If we have abandonment issues, then the solution would be losing the fear of failure AND continue resolving each thing as it comes up without deviating into other grievances. To see the forest in spite of the number of trees and never parting nor sleeping on bad/angry terms. We don’t have the skills to use the tools of managing a good and healthy relationship but I do know it’s important for any individual to recognize their shortcomings and attempt to fix them before becoming involved with someone else. It’s not cool to drag someone through your shit for want of constructive answers and peace of mind! The path to enlightenment begins with the self.
Now, what to do if you’ve found your soulmate sooner than you’re ready for in your journey to understand yourself? Do you drop the person and hope in vain that nobody comes along quickly to scoop up the gem that you will never possess again? Do you hold on until the other breaks or do you attempt to cherish what you have and appreciate the stalwart strength of your soulmate to hold onto you? Is it all nonsense?
I feel like a teenager needing sexual exploration and release. I want to be caressed like we’ve only met for the first time and testing the waters for the sweet spot(s). To melt into you while my eyes roll back and to take our time discovering one another as our bodies roll around in bed. Needing the feel of your breath on my neck, your hands tracing my lower back and your muscular structure underneath my thighs. Your talented mouth sculpting the curves of my body and mine doing the same to yours. How long of a chance do we stand before we collide again?