Can’t sleep

As my body re-balances to its normal self, I can’t sleep at night every night. My meds are at the lowest they can be and I’m taking them only as needed; I swam for 2 hours yesterday after an uncomfortable night dreaming of horrible things/waking every 4 hours, thinking my body needed physical exertion to tire out. Last night, I dreamt of my ex and woke up needing him around 3 am – such an unfair desire given the current circumstances. I toyed with a Skype call for an hour and decided that putting him through anymore angst after last Sunday was ultimately selfish and thoughtless. Still, I haven’t been able to rest or fall back into sleep and I’ve been wandering the ‘net looking for a distraction from these thoughts:

Trying to figure out a way where we could have it all and wrestling with the fear that he’ll be the one who got away. I’ve never felt that fear for any of my ex’s and crushes: even when an old flame has confessed that I’ll always be the one who got away from him, there’s never a doubt in my mind that the inverse could be true because it isn’t. Maybe in a few weeks, I’ll have a clearer understanding of what drives me in the direction of Beck or maybe he’ll be able to provide the answer without me having to do the work of sweating it out. I just know that writing helps, even if it seems like I’m writing in circles. Shit, JP said something similar during our phone call. I guess writing things out is my sounding board when I can’t have Beck to listen or help me out with a problem.

One of the snippets of last night’s nightmare: Beck was gone permanently and all the things, mostly good, that I had held back for fear of reproach/rejection could only be released in sobs. He can’t bring himself to stay with/rejoin me and my fortitude may not be enough. Sometimes, the way he speaks, he makes it sound like he’s the only one  who was tormented by our fighting – that he was the only one getting hurt and feeling the most pain. I need to remember how utterly selfish that is if staying away from him is the only thing that will work for us in maintaining a platonic friendship. I only know that he’s my mirror image in some ways and my polar opposite other ways, all coming together as two halves in one unit. Gotta refrain from the nicknames and terms of affection somehow, too.

It’s the dichotomy of Scars and Let it Go by James Bay that we inhabit.

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