A Night filled with Guys…

… especially the kind that will appreciate and admire a mind melted with a sculpted body should be enough to forget a broken heart 😉

To be told that I am deserving of a real man smarter, more powerful, wise enough to see what he has with me and wealthy is gratifying, especially coming from a man I look up to. At a bar, getting carded and then, told I definitely don’t look old enough to be 21 plus my ID is expired/possibly fake nearly killed it for me, however. I’m only touching my early 30-40’s but I still know when my birthday is and mofo, I can’t name a punk rock band from the late 90’s-early 200’s cause it wasn’t my scene! In a way, it’s rewarding to know I’m somehow aging backwards appearance wise but it screws with how I feel on the inside. Being born and recognized as an “old soul” all my life takes away some levity but lends to it during necessary times. Like being given the stink eye when my mom realizes I’ve been out and about without my ex: she was there, from 2003-2008, as I tried to balance two boyfriends over a 4 year term and I guess it’s fitting that she’s present for the demise of a 6 yr relationship. Serial monogamy is what it’s called now, I think.

One thing I’m learning is (that I didn’t know I wouldn’t want) how painful and irritating it is when people around me hear that Beck and I broke up. They feel compelled to offer one of five things: false hope (meaning Beck and I will get through this as we have countless other things), shallow calls of bravado and encouragement to indulge in my new single-ness or to be happy I’m “finally” rid of him,  unsolicited advice/assistance (i.e. support)/stories of others’ romance, insistence that I should apologize/compromise/keep gunning for the relationship in the name of love and the names/number/contact of someone who would be “great for me” that they’d love to introduce to me. If not giving, then they’re taking by asking really personal questions (leading to trash talk about someone they don’t know save for the fact that he’s now my ex), feeding off my emotional turmoil and trying to take advantage of my need for cuddling! Sometimes, I get the sidelong looks when I defend Beck or condescending smile and attitude like I’m delusional to be explaining his side of the story (there’s always two-sides and I don’t know why or how some people can’t understand that: as if they’ve never matured out of high school to grasp the concept of owning up to one’s mistakes and responsibilities for their actions and words) and giving him credit for the growth he started with and semi-willingness to develop more. An example: I fought with Beck on topics that mattered to me and when Mitt Romney ran for the POTUS, he and I were at each others’ throats! When we realized that politics and news sucked us into senseless fights, we dropped conversations on the former in addition to being able to recognize in the other passion and frustration building up. We would then make note of it out-loud and from there, it became the responsibility of the person getting heated up to acknowledge it (apologizing, too, if the situation called for it) and calm the fuck down.

I don’t envy Beck’s position of having to tell his friends AND family members that it’s over for us. I strove to prove myself to all of them that I was a good hardworking person and worthy of Beck. In six year’s time, it’s seeing my face at get-together’s, weddings and family events alongside Beck that not only getting to know them, but building  closer bonds outside of Beck’s relation to them is tough. My dad really enjoyed talking to Beck and really liked him as a prospect for a son-in-law; I haven’t found the courage or fortitude to tell my dad the news. I can’t stand letting my parents down and their disappointment – it cuts deep that I failed at another relationship. Can I possibly be the common denominator?

Gotta careen this spinning head into a pillow