Hearing Beck confirm his best friend was supportive of our break-up made my blood pressure rise a notch. This is the same guy who I visited with Beck while he was in the hospital, surviving a vehicular accident involving a pedestrian for three weeks, multiple times a week. I helped scratch those hard to reach places when you’ve got a neck brace, went straight to the nurse’s station when his calls for assistance went unanswered, helped adjust his hospital bed firmness, drove him to wrestling matches/other destinations, drove Beck to meet him (paint balling birthday party), cooked for (including Beck’s other friends on game night), visited his mother and so on over the 6 years we were together! This same guy who thought my sleep deprived state was a deliberate slight (no sleep in 3 days, trying to pull myself together for a wedding two state lines over) and who thought he was smarter than me.
Beck thinks falling out of love with someone is a process and he’s right in a way. What he doesn’t know is how the little pieces in our hearts and soul that we trade-off when it comes to love are things, are little pieces you can’t get back and you have to live with those empty spaces. It’s not loneliness or some dark hole people have to live with in despair and it’s definitely not something that demands or can be filled. It’s the triumph of love that we willfully share thoughts, bodies, hopes, dreams and everything that amounts to being an individual connecting with another. We can never own another, nevermind their love, but we can enjoy their company walking along the path Fate or Destiny lays out. We can share and we can give as we will take but it’s how and what we make of it that will matter. Memories replace memories for him; memory isn’t as merciful with me. I told him one of the most soul breaking events to occur to someone is having to learn the difference between being in love with someone and just loving someone. But for 28 hours, we existed in our own bubble again – untouchable by any other bullshit in our lives. The same security as we had when we first started.
How can it be explained that growing/maturing as an adult doesn’t mean literally embodying a new persona? That a new way of thinking/of being doesn’t warrant the necessity to burn everything/everyone else built up to that point. An illustration would be Neo, from the movie The Matrix, dying once and coming back in the same body. Another way of looking at stunted emotional growth is seeing someone’s limited emotional I.Q. The weight of the wisdom I’ve gained through all my long term relationships beckons me to live it out alone. How do you draw anger spawned by disappointment and how does one find that little thing to hold onto? How can I show you that living while tethered to someone who doesn’t want me is twisting me so hard and so deeply, I’m afraid I’ll never be able to untangle myself? The gut instinct that I shouldn’t want someone who desires to emotionally stunt himself now for rewards later is screeching like a banshee for me to cut ties. I’ve been here before, thrice, and it never gets easier; so, as before, I surrender.
“It’s the one who won’t be taken, who cannot seem to give… and the soul afraid of dying, never learns to live…” ~ The Rose by Bette Midler