It’s amazing

Fear not me and not my wrath but the power I wield
a power that abides by my thoughts, feelings and needs
It’s not God though it does come damn close
Cosmic greatness responding to my cries
cradling me, protecting me with only the will to live
the strength to fight back and stand upright

You think you know what flows through my being
You’ve had a taste, yes and you’ve only sipped a
drop from a thundering waterfall for yourself
Attached to me, everything at your will
Without, a free fall I’ll observe resolutely
You never deserved my kind, my caliber

Handing over, to a friend, my pw’s and user names to social media, electronic communication devices, and basically anything that would leave me vulnerable to Beck. It’s a HUGE risk (what if they steal things or read and watch everything private, unique, etc.) and one I know may bite me in the ass. My peace of mind and my heart matter more though – especially to the people unaccustomed to me opening up. I promised that you ain’t seen nuthin’ like me yet and if I didn’t have 1,000 lifetimes of good karma, I’d be worried for my soul. As it is, I’m a generous, thoughtful and kind person who as amassed similar to herself. I’m going to come out on top as I always have and as it should be.

How effective not having a cell and blocking email addresses is when the goal is shutting people out and yet when Beck needs *me* all avenues of communication are used by him to track me down. God, I’m so fucking furious at him for playing the victim card and he’s NOT different from Chris or Jed. Is it not infuriating audacity that he seeks comfort and affirmation from me, his ex-girlfriend who he supposedly loved,  after a botched one night stand (no clue if the one night stand thing is true – it’s probably an ongoing thing)?! And instead of fucking manning up and giving me a call to tell me, he decides Skype is the best means and ONLY via text. I think I’m most angry with myself for thinking so highly of him. The motherfucker even wanted “closure” as I’m crying my eyes out and doubled over in physical pain, unable to catch my breath WHILE I’m at work?!

And now, I’m told (again) how much he hates feeling guilty and ashamed whenever I’m hurt. Isn’t that called empathy? Beck wants to be a sociopath then, I guess, God speed. Maybe I should learn the same – I fucking knew Beck was with someone else Monday and I didn’t want to acknowledge it.  A part of me died and a BIG part of me hopes that I can stop sharing dreams with him and knowing how he is every minute. I want him to know what that kind of loneliness is when you’re loving someone you can’t have. Karma be kind to him because I won’t be there to catch him any longer. He can go fuck himself and hopefully, he’ll see how he led me on by suggesting we could have been back together but “I” (who else?) ruined that. It’ll be amusing to breakdown all our conversations to say the least.

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