We should be listening and be receptive to the message.
To drop pretenses and resentment. To rise above anger and retaliation. To be humble and make apologies and steps toward reconciliation if it is still possible; if it is not, then to accept it with as much grace as can be mustered. To appreciate what we have now because later will be just too late. To live in the moment, plan for the future and reflect on the past: dwelling only on the beauty of Nature.
I’ve come full circle and I know how fortunate I am that when this trip set sail on dangerous, stormy waters with an absent captain, my “crew” (my friends and dear ones) straightened out the keeling ship with firm reminders of my strength, beauty, intelligence, ability to love unconditionally, selflessness, drive for success and resilience. This, too, shall pass and God burdens nobody with more than they can handle. When I fail myself it’s a world away when I fail someone else and should I choose myself, my peace of mind, the people who matter are the ones who don’t need any amends. For they’ve already seen and experienced a kindness, a support and fierceness to protect and love that’s uncommon to just happen upon and rare to find again. They remind me that when I can’t see the silver lining, it’s because I am that lining and when the murky, frightening darkness goes, I’ll see it again. It helps that I didn’t wake up alone.
The extremes within my current frame of mind occur when I’ve been floating kind of high for a while. It’s the whole “what goes up, must come down” and crash landing after being hurt by and then, hurting in return, Beck. I don’t know the purpose of being ill-equipped to hate/hold grudges but I’m working on finding out. I’ve taken down the last 3 entries because they’re not fair, nor a good representation of me or him. I shot them off from the hip with little to no editing and like a bad dog, was admonished when my consciousness was set aside. I know I woke up with the imperative to apologize to Beck (I guess some things don’t change quickly if my waking thoughts return to the one I’m not allowed to leave behind 😉 ) and to leave the avenue open for come what may. There’s NO time for bullshit, no more room for pain and no more tolerance for being childish/selfish. I love him and I’m lying when I’m trying to hate him, trying to stay angry. I just hate starting back at ground zero when I’m hurt. I know I love him enough that I have to let him go and maybe, this time around, the Universe will allow me some distance so that we don’t know what the hell is going on with the other, their thoughts and feelings. Even as I write that, I know it ain’t going to happen because we’re not done. I know it *as well as* I know who I am and though I’m scared of the consequences, scared of seeing/talking to/hearing from Beck ever again, we’re orbiting astral bodies that always slingshot back towards the other.
Why? Why do I want him back in my life? What good will it do? I don’t know him any longer (that’s a lie but JP’s advice is looking at Beck as a stranger will help a loooong way in getting away) and I think that’s what he wants. He’s said it many times that I should stay angry with him because it would mean healing and moving on. We know by now that I can’t keep that kind of intense negativity and I didn’t see the writing on the wall like I’m seeing for what seems to be the first time. I know I’ll get through this as I did last year and hope against hope that my best friend will forgive me. He asked me why I would want him in my life and in very general terms, it’s because we’ve been very beneficial to each other in the form of growth, happiness, hope, elation, laughter, experience, support, shared euphoria and all the bright joyful moments I can’t put into words. When we started talking again, earlier this month, it was apparent that we felt much of the same bad things: that we’d been shut out from the other, that our love had faded and worse, we didn’t appreciate the other and overlooked/pigeon holed our characteristics into stereotypes. It felt really good to clear the air, to forgive and be forgiven in return but the affirmation that we still gave a damn about each other made the part that’s connected to him not ache like a bad infection of my soul. He’s my best friend and I am his. I want to know that he’s shot passed me where it matters in a friendship: to forget the slight, the pain/hurt and go forward side-by-side. I want to look at him in new admiration and respect and treated with the same.
My connection with Beck is far from over and I’m unsure if I’ll keep chopping away if it’s the golden thread that can be cut by no mortal scissors.
Á bientôt, mon ami!