Maserati

On a beautiful fall night, I heard my name called out. I didn’t answer the first time but looked harder when I heard my full name the second time. It was him: a childhood friend who I crushed on. Gorgeous blue eyes, much taller stature and that wonderful smile so easy to get lost in: my Kobe B. (reverse the order and you get his name, kinda 😉 ) standing on the football field. I jump out of my car and sprint into his arms and I feel like I’m 12 turning 13 again ::bliss:: Then, I hear the beautiful rumble of a sleek European made car and turn around (I can’t help it) as KB waves it over. I never thought I’d see the driver in this lifetime again and it’s Brasstacks (don’t ask). My glee at seeing these stunning and wholesome men is only overpowered by my excitement when I realize I can get behind the wheel of the car! OMG, I def got wet at the thought, tehehe!

Me: OMG OMG OMG- – puhllllleease, can I get behind the wheel, Brasstacks!

BS: Oh hell no! I just got it done (the paint and candy coating, he meant)!

Me: Are you kidd-, dude, I’m one of the best defensive drivers in the US! You can sit on the passenger side and control the speed that I go at, PLEASE! I need this! I just broke up with my ex and some much needed muscle power between my legs would-

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Golf claps

Ever notice how the audience on the green with golfers clap reallllly softly? I know my snarky friends will say it when they’re mildly  entertained or feel the need to be sarcastic. A few days ago, I noticed an unfamiliar OkC user sn (it was such a lame sn that I knew it wasn’t anybody I was talking to) and it was only obvious from the entries selected that it was Beck using his new gf’s sn to bait me. If he’s found someone older than me who is only as mature as he is in games of revenge, I pity him. I thought she was a random chick who got to my site by mistake or (my fear) somehow my blog was elevated in search engines!

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Peace

I’ve never poached someone’s significant other and if I came across men/women who clearly stated that their relationship was “on a break” or they were freshly out of a long-term commitment, I dropped them immediately. One, so that they had time to reconcile/work out their differences and two, so that their baggage wouldn’t become my problem. I believe it’s very healthy to take time off for yourself after a relationship has ended. The rule of thumb: for every 3 months a couple was together, one month was necessary to get over the relationship. I know I’ve done right by Beck. He’s probably thinking of his new gf as “a gift from the Universe” and using the line on her. He tells her how she inspires him (same thing he said to me) and how connected he feels. He thinks that a new relationship will fix things in his life and it won’t, not this early. I know he feels more understood right now, a little safer and less vulnerable but I know he’s trying to hide some information about himself, too, so he’s getting in his own way again. I know it’s a gratifying feeling when a new person thinks the world of you and puts you on a pedestal – they don’t know your intricacies, flaws and they can’t judge you correctly b/c there’s too many unknowns for them. A new relationship can have more patience because both parties are careful not to offend the other. The novelty is fun and intense but that, too, will wear off. I know he wants someone backing him up who doesn’t know him completely (as much as he insists it’s not the case) and who will “love him for him.” It perplexes me that he thought I didn’t/couldn’t when he’s seen all that I’ve done for him: he’s self serving and self righteous. I started seeing that and perhaps, my disenchantment with his worst qualities showed through my eyes. Like not being able to take responsibility for his life situation being as it is or holding a grudge/negatives, he didn’t consider the waning love as temporary or he was simply too weak to man up and try again: he left so as not to have to do the hard stuff. But I know I did right by Beck.

The people who love him can see there’s something so broken within him that they can’t reach him or he won’t admit it/let them in. It’s such a tragic loss of tight, emotional bonds that he can’t meet his family half way to reconcile when I know they’re at least trying. They’ve worked so hard on a change of heart that it’s cruel Beck won’t have one, too, where they’re concerned. He won’t change his mind but he expects everyone else to and read his feelings/intentions. He’s a hypocrite and he doesn’t want to know it. He thinks being with someone new who doesn’t know his more negative traits will make them disappear. By some kind of gold medal mental gymnastics, Beck thinks he can undo his mistakes/his life gets better if he can ignore his shattered honor (I never thought he’d cheat) and our unfinished business. A window of time had made it possible to start with a fresh clean state for me and him; he doesn’t like dealing with the hard stuff, sometimes a.k.a. reality.

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Running away

is not an option and not the answer.

Beck would see how his mom scratched/”babied” his younger brothers and be disgusted. Yet, accidentally, I reminded Beck how he loved “scratchies” by doing it after a massage. He loved his head being rubbed/my nails running through his hair and all up and down his body. His arms and shoulders were the first observations and I loved hearing how his uncle would start scratching his or his brothers’ backs if they sat next to him and pulled up the back of their shirts. Let his new gf do the job now. Let me forget all his stories, experiences and growth. Let apathy replace this feeling of pain in my gut. I remember the last night at Ramsey, I woke up and saw Beck on his laptop and I knew he was hiding something. Beck calls himself an asshole and I realize it’s because he effectively cheated on me. He toyed with my emotions and led me on as he worked on a homewrecker. Don’t you fucking deny that’s what happened, Beck. That’s why this hurts so much – you can’t proclaim principles and morals if you’re constantly breaking them. I didn’t want to admit it to myself but now I have. Your parents know and your siblings know: do you know how badly you fucked up?

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117This was us

I’m sorry I hurt you to the point of  being unable to stay in touch. You’d been pushing me away all year and more forcefully and cruelly than ever starting in August but not owning it until I made you. Would you really try to deny that by trying to push me into the arms of another man, sexually, you weren’t setting me up/creating an excuse to leave our relationship? Because that’s what it felt like and I intuitively rejected it. God, if I had felt it any other way I would have given in but I felt the distance between us. You’re right, I built walls and when we reconciled last year, I wasn’t sure if they should come down because I was trying to work out and separate feelings of abandonment, distrust and weariness. I was just starting to find me again after all the time spent bending to your will, conceding to you and unsure if you, who you were becoming/have become, were the person I fell in love with. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner that I was trying to catch up to you on a clean way of living because I didn’t want to fail you or dash any hopes. You know I’m not good when I’m pushed to agree on something – it had to come in at my pace. You have a way of talking to your loved ones in an overbearing tone sometimes and your expectation that they become what you want, do what you want, see and think as you do and follow your lead blindly wasn’t the right way to do things; your approach to certain topics could come off as zealous and I know I wasn’t the only one to notice or the first to experience the pressure. You could be a hypocrite sometimes but so could I; you made me doubt and double check myself and then became angry when I couldn’t form the sentences to express myself with all you interrupt. You think you argue in a rational manner but you don’t always do that. You cut in, concentrate on little expressions or sentence arrangement and disrupt the thoughts of me or any of the people you love and in little ways, redirect the argument and then, blame it on someone else. I know you say *I* did that and I did sometimes. However, my bafflement wasn’t/isn’t one sided. I’m more sure of that than anything else you could say to make me doubt myself.

I didn’t want to fight with you on Wednesday night but you can’t help yourself in dragging people down with you. You like fighting even if you profess the drain you feel, I can tell you get off on it. You’ve said so as much, when we were in more lucid times, how you feel powerful you feel and how much you enjoy “sticking it” to someone(s). I’m not saying these things to hurt you but to make you see your own behavior. My talks with your siblings leads me to believe you’ve been a grudge holder and vindictive most of your life and it makes me sad for you. I wanted peace between us and I think you behave like a jerk to drive me away b/c you think things will get better that way. It couldn’t be anymore worse of a choice and action to play out to think you can outrun the parts of your soul I share. You didn’t really want to reconcile last year – I was still locked out and slapped down when you wouldn’t admit something else was bothering you or you were upset with someone; I had to dig and  dig while taking the backlash until you would come up with your discontent/grievance that I sensed. I’m guilty of the same thing and why I never held it against you if you could keep an argument from spiraling into name calling and baseless accusations… if you could keep from breaking up with me everytime when you know it was the most painful of words you could cut me with. Fuck, I still love you and I still forgive you! I’m wrestling with my friends and my conscience and my pride and morals: everything saying to let go for my health, my benefit but they don’t account for the pieces of my heart and soul I would have to lose, too! I wish I knew how to quit you and I know the Universe is still spinning around the stars you and I are in our own galaxy. Eventually, I will consume the spiritual energy I released and gave to you – it’ll come back times three. Where another, a better you (but not you, if you know what I mean) will join me and that place of friendship will be swallowed into the abyss.

I wish I knew how to stop loving you in all ways, then I wouldn’t miss you, I wouldn’t dream of you. I wouldn’t miss you as horribly as I do. I stayed without you asking, I stayed when you asked and I’m staying here again with an offer of future support. You’re right, we can’t be just friends – our souls were fused together and denying our love and attraction to one another wouldn’t have lasted long.What I discovered in the last month about long-term relationships and being in love and loving someone waxes and wanes in it because it takes energy to love (that might explain your hunger around me), contained or not. It’s a natural cycle and feeling the intensity diminish a little can be taken as a breaking relationship or “falling out of love.” I thought I knew what I was talking about when I told you, many times before, that the hardest thing to learn is the difference between loving someone and being in love; I thought I knew all there was to know based on my relationship experience but I’ve been corrected by more wise people. The marriages that last the longest acknowledge this cycle and the love never leaves, the connection never dies. I really wanted having you in my life to work out b/c I need you to be happy and if a different relationship is what will make you so, then I want you to know it’s okay that you’re with someone else. I won’t keep you back, I won’t ask for you back and I won’t be in the picture.

A big part of me wants to be available to you in anyway you might need me in the future but I know, in the game of love and soulmates, that it’s winner takes it all. All of you and me or none at all. I know if I leave a door open for you, I could regret it but once I decide to drop someone, discover they’re not worth my time or developing quickly enough to be a beneficial friend, the doors and windows slam shut permanently. I’m not as angry anymore (that’s one area, at least, where I am not a turtle in digesting, analyzing and coming to a solution/conclusion) and- the latent anger after last year’s break up needed an outlet that you wouldn’t provide (at least, that’s the way I saw and felt it) popped like a balloon. The remaining angst is the reason I hurt you and unintentionally because I wouldn’t answer to the pain in my heart. The pain overwhelmed my ability to think and form cohesive thoughts, solutions and to see things from a clear perspective. If we had hashed it out, which I know you didn’t want to do because you’d deflect/change the topic yourself, we wouldn’t be here right now. If you hadn’t hardlined me into silence and knocking me down everytime I tried to step up and apologize, I wouldn’t have been so scared of losing you after every little spat and over the big, overblown fights. It’s not your fault because I should have done it anyway (kept at you for a discussion… that may have backfired depending on your frame of mind) and we still might have ended up here, but at least we would have known/learned something.

I keep having this dream that we’re together with kids but maybe it’s not you and more my soulmate; my head simply uses you as a placeholder. In the dreams, we have these conversations akin to what we had in the beginning continuing until, and this is only my estimate, 2014 is pinpointed as the year a lot changed for you. Kris was serving his time, Stephane moved away and you moved to a new home with its own complications. We spent too much time in NJ houses brimming with stress, depression, anger/resentment and dysfunction. Our happy bubble shrunk until it popped because our happy place was always with each other, alone and doing our thing; NOT being influenced or bombarded with familial strain/tension, the disrespect of boundaries/responsibilities and general communication failure (that wasn’t our problem, individually or as a couple). It was a nearly impossible task to lift Beck out of his depression sometimes and if I was stressed/having an off day,  our state of minds collided and created issues. If I kept things tightly wrapped up in me, it was because Beck couldn’t handle me and there were times it seemed that there was no room for my issues. I would have gone to him if I felt he would be receptive but I got shot down way too often; even now, I want to reach him but I know he doesn’t want to hear from me, be around me and I’ve finally learned to give him so much space that he drifted away completely. I think he was full of shit when he said he was still in love with me 4 weeks ago but it doesn’t matter in the bigger picture: he’s still gone. I’m equivocally dead to him. He never got or took the chance to know me which is why I wish I could reset the clock. I wanted to be known, deeply and wholly – Beck and I are nearly identical at this juncture. My soul says we’re locked together but I’m hoping the Universe will let that unravel. There was a lot of stress being relieved in my dreams from our chats, positive feelings that were palatable and the Universe emphasized again and again that we had to meet. Unlike Beck, I’ve met many people who share qualities and experiences that I thought only I had and connected with them. I can’t explain the odd coincidences of chance meetings, unbelievable experiences and the fact Destiny has wrapped me up and guided everything that I wanted my way. He has needed more friends, more confidantes since he began cutting/shunning people from his life – it was really rough on me that he relied so heavily and solely on me for support, fun, compassion, etc. I bore it out of unconditional love for Beck but it did take its toll. I kept pushing him to socialize and to grow: I don’t regret it even when it’s meant we can’t be together right now (or ever?). He’s the man I know he can be if he just let go of his anger and spite.

I hope you read this someday and can feel the sincerity of my well wishes, that you’ll hear an echo of our love if we’re years and decades apart. Seven years gone and the years of friendship that I regret losing. Most of these journal entries prior to this will be/are moot points but I’d prefer having conversations one on one instead of being misread if there’s a desire for clarity. I’m feeling like my bright, bouncy self again and I know only good things are in store for me as I hope they are for you. We’re getting to the end of these entries where I’m reaching the turnaround time to walk away forever and I told you they will disappear into oblivion/be erased. I’m fine and I’m reminded of it everyday by loving individuals who are letting me unload the emotional/mental burden and financial stress Beck put me through (not frequently but it seemed like he targeted specific times when he knew I was vulnerable).

Just last night, I hit up a strip club with a friend and his brother AFTER meeting at a different bar. They tricked me into going when I insisted we weren’t b/c my buddy needs to save his cash. They have matching smirks and offered playful apologies when they saw the look on my face when we entered: I was pissed. I couldn’t just leave them there either cause I was the DD and I knew hundreds of dollars would be blown if I left or I didn’t keep his wallet. I enjoyed taking away half the amount retrieved from the ATM and shaking my head as more than the half I let him hold onto disappeared in 8 minutes, not even kidding! I know he was trying to butter up the bartender (who was very pretty and you couldn’t tell that just 6 months prior, she was pregnant) because he never called her back. When guys bring a girl to a strip club, it’s to discourage the strippers they don’t care for because BOTH of them referred to my as their girlfriend like we were in some twisted TV reality show. I played along initially until I nearly killed his brother when he took himself a little too seriously in his drunken state and forced himself on me at the club. The little fucker was throwing money at the girls instead of being more polite and was trying to make it a game where he treated their breasts and thongs like basketball hoops. One stripper had enough of the kid (who pounded 5 shots of Jameson in one hour) and started telling him off but he thought he was being cute by being MORE disrespectful. That’s when we left just as the bouncers were coming our way. But the best part of the night was the way the women flocked to me without me doing any work. I have never had a difficult time attracting men and women to me (it’s that sexuality that roils off and around me and for which I have no control) and my best friend knows it: which is why he also enjoys watching it happen and being there next to me getting in on any action, LOL! I know I sound full of myself but if you ever want to tag along and experience it for yourself, hit me up with an email or however you get to my journal entries ^_^

Last night, it was the first time I’ve eaten well since Beck and I broke up. I’ve lost close to 15-17 lbs. and if someone asks what my secret is, I tell them it’s called “My break up diet” where I become extremely nauseous when food is in my face. I know it’s the tension and stress making me tighten up all my muscles so there’s no room left for food in my belly. I see “my breakup diet” as a positive but it’s not for everyone. It’s also a good test run of what I’ll feel in med school and show me how long my Crohn’s will remain in remission/not be an issue. After all, my last year at Buffalo was derailed by severe episodes of ulcerative colitis that ultimately became chronic while my semester credits, job as nanny/tutor and apartment upkeep/utility bills needed attention. So far, I’m hanging really well in and I look friggin awesome! My Lucky Brand jeans/clothing help exude my sexiness as does the lingerie under it all ;o)

 

 

The first to unconditional love

I have this fantasy where Beck and I can get past our bullshit and stay friendly. I know, for him, it’s really difficult to see my face (the one he claims he fell in love with instantly) and be in my presence where my sexuality is powerful (I don’t get to control that). I remember he said that there’s so much magnetic energy between us, we didn’t know what to do about it but I did. I placed that energy into helping him discover the man he is right now, picking him up when he was down/confused, giving him everything he asked of me that was in my power and supporting/agreeing with him on many things I normally wouldn’t budge on. He’s still got a ways to go and I wanted to be there to enjoy the end product. He owes me a lot and he can’t even give me his friendship. I was the first to offer him unconditional love and it did wonders for him.

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To me

Edit on 9/23/16 at noon: “It’s easy to love someone during their best, organized and polished moments; it’s at their worst ones, you’re shown how dependable and resilient their love will be.” Beck was never as strong as me or as strong as I needed him. I want his anger to dissipate and for that sense of balance to remain because he can’t stop hurting himself. I know trying to cut ties from him is bullshit b/c the Universe demands something else. I’m prepared to forgive and really forget this time. Love flows around me from everyone and everything and I’m letting it flow through me, to let my soul find nourishment. I’ll need it for what’s ahead and it won’t be pretty but I know I have the resilience to follow through. I’m stronger than I know and Beck could, too, if he kept/keeps fasting and stays on the diet that works for him/allows for deeper meditation.

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J’ai desolee, Beck (updated)

If all the good things you’ve wished for me, I have obtained, then why do you lash out? Yes, I’m seeing people (there was ever only two different guys I told you about and not the guys you assumed) who are more hung than you, who are more settled and along in their careers. Yes, they have more money, charm and intelligence but they haven’t replaced you. You’re horrible at reading me – you have been for a while. I’m sorry you were aroused by a snippet of something I mentioned – I thought it wouldn’t be too much info since it was in the same vein of showing you that I’ve moved on. If I can inference/take that you love and are in love with someone else in 4 weeks, then why can’t you just listen and be happy that I really don’t want you anymore? You know I’m not the jealous type, though it seems like you’ve picked up that bad trait again. Jealousy is envy covered in a ball of malice, coveting someone/something else and it’s not healthy. Envy would be healthy since it’s an admittance of desire/admiration.

I laid out a very simple plan to stay friendly with you and the first was promising to move no farther than friendship. YOU even stated a desire for friendship before we met up in Hicksville, but you make it sound like I manipulated/seduced you into it when we both know I didn’t. You’ve always been more negative/pessimistic than me and your pride is your downfall, thinking that I would actually seduce and want you back. Your dick is filthy in my eyes and if you had given me a kiss on the cheek as hello or goodbye, you know you would have seen my hand sanitizer all over the place! I don’t want you and for whatever, that seems to hurt you when you’re the one in another relationship. You think we’ll continue hurting each other if we remained friends but like you said, if you assume it will happen, it will. I think we wouldn’t have based on how we learned to adapt to each other and get passed issues. This is where I stop though – the way you hurt me all over again last night is unforgivable. Everytime you needed me, I was there and no questions asked. I’m so tired of you being the reason I cry. I’m tired of watching you hurt your family and it’s our fault for enabling you to hurt us. I’ll learn to stop loving you and our connection should be diminishing… maybe it’ll hurry along now and where you were in my heart will die, too – it’ll be like I never met you. My mind will dump the memories and thoughts of you as effectively as you threw out our things/life. Your presence and your friendship aren’t necessary in my life: I’ll learn to believe that one day, too.

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Parallels

Beck has admitted he’s in love with the woman he told me he met on OkC (the same place and way we met). He was in love with me the last night we spent together and 2 weeks later he’s in love with her – I don’t know what to think of him and the ease with which he swung from me to her. I’m starting to hate Beck because I’m seeing what my friends and family did see in regards to his treatment of me these last 6-8 weeks. It just occurred to me that I might not want him as a best friend, maybe not even as an acquaintance. How can he not see that he’s repeating history? He said he fell in love with my voice/me the first night we spoke on the phone for 3 hours. We said our first “I love you” within the first week of dating and it came so easily, we couldn’t nail down the day and chose Nov. 7, 2009 as our anniversary because it included the first kiss and romp in bed in Flushing, NY.

He looked me straight in the eye over Skype and told me what I needed to hear to get away from him. God, he was such a coward when he didn’t take the opportunity to tell me that he was committed to someone else when we met Sept.8th. He could only look me in the eye when there’s 60 miles between us and tell me that he’s in love with her (I figured it out when he got huffy over the conversation JP and I had). Beck was stern about not being swayed to change his mind over our breakup and any sexual advance; those sentences brought me back to one of the major flaws Beck has – he jumps to conclusions and sometimes those conclusions come from left field in a different galaxy from ours. I’m a friggin germaphobe and there’s NO WAY I’d risk getting an STD from either of them. To smooth over the fact that there’s never going to be the possibility that we fuck again/alleviate Beck’s fears, I told him about two men I’m casually seeing and some sexual details. It was in vain/too convoluted by my hesitance to keep from revealing too much because he didn’t get it: he thought I was trying to seduce him (the farthest thing from what I was trying to illustrate, which was my sexual needs are being met and then some). I thought by telling him that I’m having some of the best, mind-blowing sex I haven’t had in years, he would be relieved/convinced that I don’t want him. Instead, he went on a guilt trip because he felt wronged/ wasn’t doing right by his gf. That’s parallel number two: he sees a girlfriend as something frail that needs protection and he can be overzealous about it. He’s stopped trying to make new friends which he needs as his childhood ones move on up to adulthood with a mortgage, new address, car payments and other bills. I tried getting him to understand that adults do the hard things, they try to work out friendships/disputes/arguments, they hurt, they make-up and he doesn’t get it. He thinks his method of icing people out is healthy and doesn’t see his own isolation/isolating behavior.

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Am I beholden to him?

Do I have to remain his keeper (of our memories, his parents, seven years of his life)? Did I really have to reimburse him for meeting up with me to return to one another personal property? He’s moved on and so have I; then why won’t this thread break? He’s not the guy I met back in 2009 and I say it to myself everyday so I can stop loving him. The man I met wouldn’t set out to hurt his family members (though some may have deserved it). Beck isn’t who I fell in love with and the bitterness over a lost year will fade just like Chris, just like Jed. The man I loved wasn’t selfish but I have to learn to be selfish, too. How else to stop loving a man who no longer exists and how long do I punish myself for loving and supporting him? Is he really so different now that I can’t say I know him well at all: that he’s become a stranger by keeping me at arm’s length? I’m deluding myself by refusing to accept that there won’t be an anniversary to celebrate in Nov., because Beck won’t be there, will he? I had planned for us to go on a 7 day Caribbean cruise, which he’s never been, with the money I’ve saved up (I broke through my $3,000 goal!). He apologized for the time wasted and how “I bet on the wrong horse (Beck).” The man I knew wasn’t deceptive and he promised to love me, to stay in love with me, as I made the same promise to him.

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