God, I have the stickiest ball of mental and emotional turmoil. Last night, I dreamt of a baby being placed in my arms by another woman and I knew the baby wasn’t mine. I was a little nervous and even commented that I was a little out of practice (neveremind wearing 4 inch stilettos!) and in my dream, holding the baby came as natural as it has since I first held my baby sister. I want to say it was Selle’s baby (being that I suffered through a baby shower last Saturday) but the warmth and weight of the baby indicated she was mine. Never thought I’d be the one fall to the friggin’ biological clock tick. There are a lot of never’s I promised myself.
Yesterday, I met with one of the founders who established St. Kitt’s Med School in Florida. I was told to get back into the lab and the core subjects I’m iffy on (orgo II and physics II) that the MCAT’s will test. There’s no longer a writing section and it’s a shame because I nailed it without even trying the first time back in ’05 (12 out of 14) and the testing fee has gone up. Either way, I was told a minimum score of 24 would be enough to enroll in the Fall 2017 IF I took it by August 2017. Otherwise, the Spring 2018 MCAT would definitely enroll me by Fall 2018 as the class of 2022. I wish I could tell someone – I can’t tell my parents or family until I’m enrolled (maybe not even until I graduate) and the one I do want to tell, I don’t think he cares.
I quietly sat outside this afternoon and when I knew I was completely open to an answer, I asked the Universe if Beck was the one and I have my answer now. Just as I tucked away the night I can’t take back, so I will hold onto the answer I can’t refute. Ever since last night, it’s been a feeling of ambivalence over what to do about/tell Beck. Part of me wants to ante up the truth: he’s not the only one moving on sex-wise and the other part knows what a sucker punch the knowledge can be. I know my parents are disappointed that he and I aren’t together and I know his parents are as well. PopS nearly cried after repeatedly asking me what I meant that “there’s no going back to Beck” and the answer wasn’t what he expected of his son, the one who looks nearly identical to him. My one wish for Beck is for him to stop hurting everytime his family is near and for him to see he might be the common denominator (I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he pushes the people who love him away but I understand his anger). It was a little late to find out that PopS views me as a daughter and I don’t want my friends to be right that I can’t keep some parts of Beck without Beck. I feel that who we were (in Beck’s case)/are as individuals and a couple demands that we stay away from being cliches. Just because everyone else is some lowbrow, sheep herd member who can’t stay in touch with an ex, doesn’t mean it applies to me and Beck. They told me that you can’t fight nature but I have and I’ve won before: I wouldn’t have made it this far without a fiery passion for life and it’s contradictions. I am a contradiction. Don’t tell me, “It is what it is,” but proceed to tell me Beck and I live happily ever after, forever AFTER acknowledging he wants to be a dog so dogs sleep outside. Maybe it’s unfair of me/them; I know I saunter into rooms and events and all eyes are on me at least once. I’ve never had to work to seduce someone, man or woman (surprisingly, women fall the easiest for me) and I’ve had my fill of shallow relationships. I’ve never doubted my sexual prowess – I came into the knowledge of my feline-like self really young (Dear God, I know I’ve been a source of trouble BUT I know I’ve always cleaned up my messes, been fair and kind and I really would hope you don’t punish me with a daughter exactly like myself). My oats are sown I guess 😉 My pride will be the only thing standing in the way of yielding to the Universe’s call and already, I want to be able to not just see but touch Beck.
This song probably sums up how I’m feeling.