Year One

Let me take you down memory lane. Help me cope with the painful knowledge Beck doesn’t love me/isn’t in love with me anymore. If it cut me in 10,000 ways when I found out he was screwing someone else, then, I know it’s very possible it’ll kill me when he starts loving her. The crippling physical reaction I experienced the moment he fucked some chick while we were 50-100 miles apart will be nothing when compared to hearing and feeling something snap in the Universe. I know it’ll be audible, don’t ask me how, I just know. So, help me brace myself by taking this walk. In some ways, I hope writing it will help me forget and lessen my burden of memories. That way I won’t crumple into a ball when I remember them and realize there’s no one to share/re-experience it with: they’ll just be here waiting for me when I’m ready and steady.

Oct. 25, 2009 – a message sent by Beck nearly 3 months back is received and reciprocated
Oct. 29, 2009 – a mind-blowing 3 hour phone conversation like with no one else
Oct. 30, 2009 to early 2010 – the 3 hour phone conversations continue nightly when we’re not together
Nov. 4, 2009 – our first date: The Body Exhibit at South Street Seaport on a beautiful, sunny fall day. I remember joking around about his Superman curl (in the pictures I had seen, Beck rocked very short hair) and he said if he had seen me walking from a distance/in the opposite direction, he would have turned around to get my number. We parted ways in the Port Authority subway system: he went to work, I walked around the city.
Nov. 7 2009 – Beck called me Saturday afternoon asking if we could meet up that day in Flushing instead of our scheduled date on Sunday. I agreed and drove out immediately: something in his voice told me it was important when I picked up the phone. He tells me he was supposed to be on a date with another woman but couldn’t get me off his mind (I’m telling you, Beck can have game when he turns it on). We go to a restaurant I’m familiar with and order authentic Chinese food. I was impressed that Beck was good game for the roasted pig intestine with pineapples (it was the only dish I ordered as an intro to legit Chinese cuisine). To walk off the food we enter the gallery at the Sheraton and it’s at this point he took a chance and he kissed me. The one kiss set off a firestorm of hours of sex, showering together and making it a weekend of it. Beck’s recall is better than mine on this date.
Somewhere in between this week, we say, “I love you” to each other for the first time and when we look back, it makes me happy that neither of us was big on anniversary dates and that loving each other came so naturally ❤ I’m not sure what happens this year just like last when I was unsure to celebrate Stitch without Stitch.
Nov. 15, 2009 – Beck actually comes to Long Island and geeks out with me and about 30 other women over scrapbooking. I get to meet K.C. from My Mind’s Eye and Beck gets to meet everyone I’ve befriended over the year’s time at that location. The seafood chowder from the pizzeria was unforgettable. Booking the room at the Hyatt was a great surprise for him – it was a gorgeous place! The sex was amazing.
Nov. 22 – I have to check my Kurt Halsey calender
Nov. 26, 2009 – Black Friday: I go around like a kid hopped up on 3 days of sugar to buy Beck jeans from my fav company (Lucky Brand) to show him the wonder that they are.
Dec. 13, 2009 – Beck is excited his younger brother has returned from Spain and we head to the Mohegan Sun Casino and Resort in Mystic, CT. This will mark a turning point for Beck and his family because initially, their Albanian culture will reject my Chinese one.
Dec. 27, 2009 – The first time seeing Beck after his blowout with his family on one hand and me on the other. He falls in love with Lucky Brand and everything I’ve chosen for him fits like a goddamn glove: I’m that good. Being a personal shopper for the Upper to Middle class opened a lot of doors and helped me refine my ability to “read” someone’s specs.
Dec. 31, 2009 – I meet the rest of Beck’s family in NJ. and his little cousin. We kill it at beer pong 😀 and ring in the New Year with a kiss (and sex, obviously).

We lamented that we met too soon – Beck was still finding himself and I was looking for permanence; however, I was content to enjoy the “little” relationships until my match came along. There’s so much we didn’t do and tons more we did. I wanted to see him feed a tank full of sharks, take him to Montauk Point and watch the humpback whale migrations, travel to Canada and across the U.S. (we have relatives in not only the same state but county – could Destiny have been knocking harder on our doors any louder and longer?), go to France and Hong Kong and Kosovo (I’d love to see Bal and Teze again before they went ahead to the next stage after death), start a hobby farm where we could control our veggies and fruits by growing them, I would get to have my honeybees and goats, we would raise our kids “off-the-grid” if we went for the houseboat/yacht, a Yanni (or equivocal) concert, the Louvre (since we’ve hit up all the most famous of museums in NY) and the Smithsonian in D.C., to dance a night away, to go to Disney World, to work-out and enjoy the outdoors side-by-side… to grow old together and watch our children grow and flourish.

Whether we admit it or not, share it or hold it, the empathetic person needs to believe that dreams and goodness are achievable and to be believed in by another. We hold our fears, failures, hurt and vulnerabilities in the deepest places of ourselves and wait. Hoping that there is someone worthwhile to share with and that we can trust them to guard our most basic of selves with the same, if not more, fervor and resolve. Someone to have our backs and to defend/stand guard over our forms when we feel beaten and hopeless. Whether or not we want to say it out-loud, acknowledge or ruminate over it one last time, we need someone to believe in us! It’s being human and it’s okay. Rarely, do we get to enter this world and find the other pieces that fit, that are on the other end of an invisible line we feel tied innately to some other.

I believed in you, I always have and I still believe in you…

“Because I miss him so
When I look at you.”