He pushed me just far enough away

Edit on 10/19/2016 at 3:30 am EST: I was called out on the following quote for being sexist. Yes, I know the reverse is true because women are capable of the same thoughtlessness. “The biggest coward is a (wo)man who awakens a wo(man)’s love with no intention of loving him/her the same.” Everyone happy now? This awkward paragraph is dedicated to you nitpickers and grammar sticklers have you to blame 😉 The golden rule is not to date your rebound ever and I hope he’s honed his radar for manipulation because I don’t appreciate my words and thoughts (i.e. my blog) being mined for the benefit of someone else (i.e. trying to pass my entries as their “original” written work) and whatever agenda they have in widening a distance becoming more vast with each week of silence. The tracking numbers don’t lie.

When he admitted that he just wanted to be understood at the deepest core, I knew what he meant. He had frozen me out a longtime ago by giving me brusque answers, silence or curt replies to my inquires. In time, I learned to stop asking the questions that mattered to me and our relationship because he wasn’t going to give me the answer. I knew what it was like to find solace from someone outside of our relationship – Greg gave me the words I could not find after Stitch’s death. I regret not being able to provide that for Beck in the last months of our relationship: he deserved that much from me at minimum. I’m sorry, Beck. I wish I could go back and undo/take it back or start afresh and leave it all behind. I wish I knew how to stop loving you so that I, my blog, my emails, all of it wouldn’t be as messy. I scream and shout on my blog because I feel it’s the only place I can and then, I still have the chance to re-read/edit the chaos into understandable bits without fear of hurting you/being hurt by you. I want it out of system so that when/if we meet up again, we can be just two people enjoying the others’ company.

I want to be able to tell Beck that reminding me not to touch him because “he’s just keeping it real” is his issue not mine and not my responsibility. My intense sexuality rolls off my curves and roils around my hips and thighs: I can’t change it anymore than I can change my skin color. I view it in the same vein as his relationship with food and the strict structure he needed/wanted had to come from him and not me. I don’t screw with other people’s relationships and insinuating that I would makes me want to cut ties with him. He made his bed and now he has to lie in it: one of those things is keeping to himself what he wants (i.e. you don’t place a burden on someone else where you get the most benefit). The same blazing anger surfaced when he would go off and rant/preach at me in some pretense of conversation; I listened and I let him vent, why couldn’t he return the gesture? I loved him and his flaws and his strengths and absorbed his negativity without really thinking how it would affect me: I just wanted him to feel better and happy. He doesn’t realize how much I don’t want to be his soulmate anymore – it hurts too much and his promise to absorb all of my pain until there was no more is just another example of his word falling through. I don’t even say this in anger: just simple dejected acceptance. I can’t stop the dreams coming through and I can’t control the purity of emotion in the dreams and when I wake from them, I’m sent right back to start. I want so badly to control this gift of precognition: even if it means our sweet baby girls and son are never to be. Don’t you see? I knew when he fucked someone else just as I already knew he stopped being in love and loving me and was committed to some else (whether or not my consciousness would allow me to brace myself). Like I know it will be futile to resist what is meant to be and maybe that’s why I’m shown the future, so I can prepare/be prepared. I’m still grasping that Beck loves someone else and though his new relationship/courtship has many parallels to the way we began our whirlwind relationship, the stark differences include all the phases/philosophical transitions he’s gone through, we went through and I recall them all. I found an art journal from 2010 and one, of many, key thread is realizing we met too soon. I have to let him go and I need it to happen faster: it hurts too much to share my soul with him when I can’t comprehend the bigger picture. A part of me knows that he might be just another stepping stone towards the One because each time I’ve managed to choose a better lover to commit to/for the long-term. Their great qualities begin to match up with the man who I know exists and who will make all the heartache from relationships past all the worthwhile. Still, I have to force myself to cut this golden thread attached to Beck because I won’t lie to myself the way he lied to me. It’s hard admitting that he lied to me these last few months because I thought I knew him. I would have never pegged him as one to swing from one relationship into another (and he said I move fast?!) just as I didn’t see how he was pushing me away sexually towards other men/into more extreme sex. He knew how I felt about certain acts based on my childhood trauma but he did it anyway. You ask me why I would want him back or not at all in my life and I’ll tell you it’s that I understand/know we’ll always be a part of the other, because he knows me best and I remember him best: our hearts are locked together. On the other hand, I also don’t want to know anything more because it’s killing me. I’m being pulled apart from two sides in opposite directions: one wanting so badly to ask Beck if we could try again, starting as fresh as, “Hi, I’m Daisy. What’s your name?” and the other wanting to listen to family and friends to cut him off completely.

I can forgive a lot because my capacity to understand others and their actions is nearly limitless. I know people can change and so can their hearts: I don’t begrudge them the ability or experience to do it at any age/stage. I have to learn to harden my heart because love makes me foolish and blinds me from undeniable facts. I have to remind myself how he isn’t working and there’s a strong sense of co-dependency which isn’t entirely his problem; I worked really intensely to encourage and motivate Beck by propping up his self-esteem to believe in himself but he didn’t hear me most of the time. I know what an idiot I’ll look like if I continue providing assistance (a shoulder to cry on, cash, my positive outlook, etc.) to him. I know his parents and brother hope I can forgive Beck and this time period so that they can keep their daughter/sister-in-law, if not now, then later on (I tell them Beck’s changed/we’re not getting back together and they’re only now, after all these years, beginning to listen to me and understand. I’m stepping aside as his cheerleader, confidante and best friend and his parents know not to interfere. I hate seeing my elders cry ). When a couple breaks up, they don’t lose just each other – they end up divorcing an entire network of people who love them as individuals and share in the blessing of soulmates finding one another. I hold all these memories that bind me to Beck and I wish they could be wiped from  my heart and mind. I had hoped Beck could become like his Bal (who’s been asking for/about him) but what use is hoping when the relationship is dead? With each day that goes by without hearing from him, each week without seeing him, I move a little more away. I find peace knowing he’s happy and solace that he’ll try to rebuild his relationship with his family. He was afraid to lose himself in a relationship and I bought that line: that’s why the betrayal hurts when he tells me he doesn’t want anyone else but clearly does the opposite. I have to let go because I’m not the one he wants and I should be rejoicing that he’s found his sense of self and is able to hold onto it: I am rejoicing.

I gave up DHS guy  and dropped him – all the red flags raised were grounded in fact.  Everything was moving too fast and he went as far as to use his resources to check on me. The Maltese puppy was the breaker though: he chose the one I wanted and it was in his tone and body language that the puppy was going to be a bargaining chip for him. Animals and pets are not objects to be entertainment for humans and they sure as hell aren’t a manipulation tool! It’s a big mistake to date a rebound without dropping some baggage/taking time out for self reflection, otherwise it circles through repeatedly with other relationships and it’s a never-ending cycle of bliss with fiery crash and burn. I remembered my lessons from Chris and Jed: you don’t enter and interfere with someone’s life until you have your shit in order. It’s selfish and wrong to go about that any other way. Maybe, if I work really hard or harder than I did to keep me and Beck together, by the end of the month or the next one, I’ll be facing and walking the other way. With the blessing of the Universe to try to change course, I can try but God laughs at man’s plans.