Am I beholden to him?

Do I have to remain his keeper (of our memories, his parents, seven years of his life)? Did I really have to reimburse him for meeting up with me to return to one another personal property? He’s moved on and so have I; then why won’t this thread break? He’s not the guy I met back in 2009 and I say it to myself everyday so I can stop loving him. The man I met wouldn’t set out to hurt his family members (though some may have deserved it). Beck isn’t who I fell in love with and the bitterness over a lost year will fade just like Chris, just like Jed. The man I loved wasn’t selfish but I have to learn to be selfish, too. How else to stop loving a man who no longer exists and how long do I punish myself for loving and supporting him? Is he really so different now that I can’t say I know him well at all: that he’s become a stranger by keeping me at arm’s length? I’m deluding myself by refusing to accept that there won’t be an anniversary to celebrate in Nov., because Beck won’t be there, will he? I had planned for us to go on a 7 day Caribbean cruise, which he’s never been, with the money I’ve saved up (I broke through my $3,000 goal!). He apologized for the time wasted and how “I bet on the wrong horse (Beck).” The man I knew wasn’t deceptive and he promised to love me, to stay in love with me, as I made the same promise to him.

I want to be free of this – I want our connection, the one as strong as gravity between two stars in two different galaxies getting pulled closer, to be cut. I tried understanding him and it wasn’t enough. I don’t want everyone to be right that he was never good enough to deserve me and I hate them for hoping his relationships fail. I don’t understand that kind of vindictiveness and a part of me knows they’re trying to show their support/love by building me up but it shouldn’t come with putting him down. I don’t want this love anymore. I don’t want to dream of him or know how he’s doing. Could the Universe show me some, just a pinprick of mercy? For once, stop teaching me lesson after lesson on why I have to and how to be the bigger person, how to sacrifice my joy/peace of mind for the ones I love/will love! Give me this, just this once, a quick way to cut and cauterize this wound. The multiple orgasmic sex with not-DHS guy isn’t enough to do the job, though I’m thankful for receiving what I’ve been missing for almost 7 years. I didn’t know how badly I needed it in the way Beck could not provide: I bear some responsibility in that because I should have taught/guided him. I didn’t know how much I missed having someone touch me, intuitively, in all the right ways, in all the right places and driving passion beyond my limits. God, you/I gave him what he needed, to be understood (in the same way he needed it when we met); now, please, give me this one thing: destroy our innate connection while I’m strong enough to bear through it. Erase or shroud the feelings and memories to the point of hazy, almost dreamlike states quickly forgotten. I want to love someone else and I don’t. I wish I never met Beck. I do not want a repeat of the dream where I meet Beck’s gf, with rocks tumbling in my stomach as I turn towards a shiny surface and luckily, I instantly woke up. That brought me back to ground zero, emotionally, after I’ve been flying high on knowing where my future leads.

I don’t understand why Pink comes on the radio (not Pandora) whenever I’m intensely missing Beck or why Avicii’s “Wake me Up” plays when I think of him/his path. I’d chalk it up to coincidence or maybe radio contests (if it’s “the song of the day to win tickets/whatever swag”) but I’m not in my car at the same time everyday. God, if you’re reading or listening, grant me serenity. I think I’ve earned it and if it’s blood you want, then take my heart. I wish I had no use for it. Reader, do you have any wise words from your many corners of the world? I’m stunned that I have regular readers in Australia, Indonesia, France, the UK and West Africa… I don’t feel so alone because some part of you is touched by what I feel/write.

By: Beck Blaku on 8/17/2016

I wrote this about you. I hope you don’t mind me sharing it:

I loved her
Oh how I loved her

I worshipped her
Oh how I worshipped her

But time flew by
Our hearts grew coarse
We shouted insults
Without remorse

A love for the ages
A friendship made of gold
We weathered the storms
For as long as we could hold

We became as matchsticks to the fire
Unable to touch
Without setting each other aflame.

How I yearned to hear her heart
How I yearned to hear her sing
But the distance between us too wide
To witness such a thing.

How tempting is the sorrow
How seductive the pain
That aims to color my memories
In clouds of dark rain.

I will not relent
I will not yield
She was the love of my life
To hell with the wounds
In time, they will be healed.

I am glad it happened
I would go through it again glady
What a feeling to have learned
What it means to be happy

The beauty of a goddess
And a love so fierce
She’d bulldoze any obstacle
To help me feel peace

A connection so strong
Day after day
I will breathe in her sadness
Until I feel it go away

On that day
I will rejoice
For the love of my life
Will have made a choice

To leave me behind
And in my stead
Lock horns with the future
And take its head

Beck is a good, intelligent and empathetic man who can behave very rashly and cruelly sometimes, especially to the people closest to him. He knows my secrets and deep fears and I’m hoping my faith in his ability to protect/withhold certain information isn’t “another bad bet.” His deepest, true self and all his facets are locked away in my heart. I don’t know how he’ll go about explaining to extended family members where I am and what happened to us. I wonder if he’ll admit he gave up and that I dearly wanted to keep us together (and was rebuked twice – I can’t bring myself to repeat last year’s groveling since the outcome would have been this same one even if I hadn’t). When will this longing to reconcile be put to bed? Will it follow the path of some stars and their satellites where our magnetic dynamic brings us so close together that the energy released creates a supernova? If I died today, would it matter to him that we had a lot left unsaid/unfinished? What bothers me most these days is wondering why we’re “not done” with each other and how come it’s so evident to everyone else who’s seen us together or just heard about us. I wonder where we’d be if we had gotten married 3-4 years back and if we’d still play house in his uncle’s home or mine: we live so very well together, it’s awesome 😉

I can feel myself letting go of him (at least, that’s what I think/hope I’m feeling since there doesn’t seem to be a way to convince him we’re soulmates and I’m bracing for the moment when I’m right, once again, and Beck confirms he doesn’t/isn’t in love with me. I hate being right). I’ll be sad when letting go becomes leaving him behind. Even while staying in touch with MamaD and PopS, maybe a sibling or cousin, too, I know I can dodge Beck. It’s been only 60 days since our relationship ended and I know the healthy approach is to settle myself and a dead relationship first before engaging with other people’s lives and hearts. That much my family and friends are right about and agree on: there was a time when I was alone and I wasn’t afraid – that time will come again, I promise. But don’t expect my sex appeal to lessen or change: you’d have a better shot at making the sun rise in the west and set in the east.