J’ai desolee, Beck (updated)

If all the good things you’ve wished for me, I have obtained, then why do you lash out? Yes, I’m seeing people (there was ever only two different guys I told you about and not the guys you assumed) who are more hung than you, who are more settled and along in their careers. Yes, they have more money, charm and intelligence but they haven’t replaced you. You’re horrible at reading me – you have been for a while. I’m sorry you were aroused by a snippet of something I mentioned – I thought it wouldn’t be too much info since it was in the same vein of showing you that I’ve moved on. If I can inference/take that you love and are in love with someone else in 4 weeks, then why can’t you just listen and be happy that I really don’t want you anymore? You know I’m not the jealous type, though it seems like you’ve picked up that bad trait again. Jealousy is envy covered in a ball of malice, coveting someone/something else and it’s not healthy. Envy would be healthy since it’s an admittance of desire/admiration.

I laid out a very simple plan to stay friendly with you and the first was promising to move no farther than friendship. YOU even stated a desire for friendship before we met up in Hicksville, but you make it sound like I manipulated/seduced you into it when we both know I didn’t. You’ve always been more negative/pessimistic than me and your pride is your downfall, thinking that I would actually seduce and want you back. Your dick is filthy in my eyes and if you had given me a kiss on the cheek as hello or goodbye, you know you would have seen my hand sanitizer all over the place! I don’t want you and for whatever, that seems to hurt you when you’re the one in another relationship. You think we’ll continue hurting each other if we remained friends but like you said, if you assume it will happen, it will. I think we wouldn’t have based on how we learned to adapt to each other and get passed issues. This is where I stop though – the way you hurt me all over again last night is unforgivable. Everytime you needed me, I was there and no questions asked. I’m so tired of you being the reason I cry. I’m tired of watching you hurt your family and it’s our fault for enabling you to hurt us. I’ll learn to stop loving you and our connection should be diminishing… maybe it’ll hurry along now and where you were in my heart will die, too – it’ll be like I never met you. My mind will dump the memories and thoughts of you as effectively as you threw out our things/life. Your presence and your friendship aren’t necessary in my life: I’ll learn to believe that one day, too.

Everyone’s right and they’re wrong that I’m better off without you; you aren’t worthy of me but I still miss you. Your life situation isn’t ideal/conducive to a long term relationship but I still want you in mine. We know you’re living with the 36 y/o but pretending to rough it and you enjoy being taken care of like a male geisha. I wish I didn’t understand you or care about you. I’m glad the connection is nearly severed but I worry about you, your well-being nonetheless. I’m not good at lowering myself to your level – I know there’s more joy to taking the high road and being the bigger person. There are more rewards to being happy and being true to myself. I haven’t been as in love with you since last summer but I still care as deeply for you: a part of me desires to realize you’re not my soulmate (I’m gunning for that to be true cause staying around hasn’t helped you/trying to help you hasn’t worked) and if you were, I have no idea why you’re acting as you do. I went against my better judgement when you asked to see me last October – I was very leery of your intentions and I couldn’t make myself fall head over heels in love with you again though I tried my hardest (Edit: see “This Was Us” for what I learned, am still learning). I thought if I stuck around, you’d value what we had and make an effort to help me help us rebuild – I really thought it was possible from the deepest parts of my being. You think I’m an emotional mess but I can do what you cannot: compartmentalize my emotions for later analysis without spewing hateful words and employing cruel actions. I pity your new gf, she doesn’t know you as well as I do though I’m sure you’ve convinced yourself it’s true. A new ISP number has popped up on my site tracker since you started dating her and I know it’s not you. I used your parents’ Wi-Fi enough to recognize their address but it’s not them reading these entries and I know it’s not your laptop – I bought it for you, remember?

You’re circling around something and I hope you can pull yourself up and out. With your wild dreams and far-fetched notions that you could never lay the groundwork down for I loved you for them but not your ability to gripe about money. You had a lot of ideas you couldn’t stick with for more than a few weeks and there were the ideas you wouldn’t/couldn’t implement these last 3 years. Why did we give up on going to France? It’s ironic that I have the money now but you’re out of the picture. You got too comfy and content (or was it discontent b/c you felt it should be the other way around?) with me providing for both of us and that made you stop trying to romance me/make me happy. I didn’t mind providing for both of us – it made me happy to do it and I thought it would make you happy to have that stress off you; I’d make the same decision if we started all over again. You took it for granted that I’ll always be here for you: I hate myself for knowing there’s a chance I’ll still come to you if I think you’re in a bind/distress. I hate loving someone who didn’t love me or respect me.  It was hard being your everything because it entailed the good and all the bad. I won’t be contacting you and I’ll have very little contact with your family (that doesn’t mean we don’t remain close – I love them and they love me, too). They understand I’m hurt and my heart is broken: they’re giving me the time and space I need to regroup so that I can return to them in full glory and with stories to tell. I never needed you, the way you needed me and definitely not in the way your family needs you in the way you need them.

If you find your way back to my tiny patch of Internet space, I hope you read things from a matured outlook and purpose. I’m sorry about all the wasted time together and for the many misunderstandings. Our argument last night sealed it for me: you’ve been asking me to change for you our entire relationship and each time I gave in/gave you more leeway, it got to the point that I started disliking myself and resenting you. I know you’re sure of what you felt and I wouldn’t begrudge you that sincerity but I also know I told you about being physically taken care to reassure you that I wasn’t a threat to you or your relationship. Last night felt exactly like the time you were so sure I was dilly-dallying after you had a rash from walking and hassle from Hogan: you were in the wrong. Your reaction to any of it is on you because I took you for your word that the avenue leading to sex with you is permanently closed. It’s closed on your end because you have a girlfriend and it’s closed on my end because I’m getting the kind of sex I’ve needed that you couldn’t provide (read: which isn’t saying sex wasn’t the supreme acts with you: it was just different). Add to it the knowledge of STD’s crawling all over you or someone else and I can’t cross that barrier. I get that you’re angry that you felt I deliberately weakened you but it wasn’t the intention. I now understand the looks your brothers shoot one another when you get involved with a discussion – they’re all weary of the wrong way you can take things now and then. Having an embittered heart is living with a dead one. I tried to teach you that compassion and patience while others take time to change/understand you is as important as forgiveness and moving forward. To hold no grudges and to forgive but not forget.

I know you well and it’s time you took the time to know me well. I live by my word and expect others to do the same. I don’t project my feelings or angst on others and I sure as hell don’t assume the worst in people. I don’t hurt others for pleasure or gain and I know how to forgive absolutely. I’m always acting in the best interest of others, first and taking second myself only to the people who are a part of me. In contrast, you read over things too quickly when the best course of action is to slow down. You take small slights and blow them out of proportion but should you be the one in the wrong, you think the minimal is enough to make up for it (and it’s rarely enough but that’s balanced by the times you are true). You enjoy getting a rise out of people – I do not. You want to be right all the time and there are times you are and times were it’s not possible. The times you were, I admitted it and agreed with you. You judge people based on your flawed standards and principles and you have no present support system whereas my wide network is catching me and speaking/knocking sense into me where you’re concerned.  I won’t involve myself with anyone until I have my shit together and I know you think a new relationship will make things start magically over on a new leaf even if you have some baggage. You’ll be doomed to repeat these years if you don’t start looking up and out. You’re trying to live without your family and you may as well try to change your skin color for how fruitless it will be. I hope it works out for you, I really do. Be happy, be peaceful, be the best you that I’ve seen ❤

Wherever you are when/if you read this,  I’ll try to keep a door open for you. There’s no chance I’ll be the first in reaching out to you ever again but should you wish to be civil/friendly, I’ll considerate it because you deserve that but I won’t be reduced to your level if you try to take your anger/frustration out on me. I apologize if all these entries are just venting but I told you a long time ago that I vent/must release negative emotions as soon as possible! You know that, you know me very well in some aspects but you hold it against me for being brutally blunt. I swallowed my pride when you were right and I acquiesced when I realized it would benefit you and me. I promise most of these entries will go away when I don’t have to keep talking to myself/holding it all in. Some things will change, like how accessible I am but that’s them breaks. No one can dictate my relationships and I hope that remains true for you, too. I’ll always love you though it will always be from afar.