Parallels

Beck has admitted he’s in love with the woman he told me he met on OkC (the same place and way we met). He was in love with me the last night we spent together and 2 weeks later he’s in love with her – I don’t know what to think of him and the ease with which he swung from me to her. I’m starting to hate Beck because I’m seeing what my friends and family did see in regards to his treatment of me these last 6-8 weeks. It just occurred to me that I might not want him as a best friend, maybe not even as an acquaintance. How can he not see that he’s repeating history? He said he fell in love with my voice/me the first night we spoke on the phone for 3 hours. We said our first “I love you” within the first week of dating and it came so easily, we couldn’t nail down the day and chose Nov. 7, 2009 as our anniversary because it included the first kiss and romp in bed in Flushing, NY.

He looked me straight in the eye over Skype and told me what I needed to hear to get away from him. God, he was such a coward when he didn’t take the opportunity to tell me that he was committed to someone else when we met Sept.8th. He could only look me in the eye when there’s 60 miles between us and tell me that he’s in love with her (I figured it out when he got huffy over the conversation JP and I had). Beck was stern about not being swayed to change his mind over our breakup and any sexual advance; those sentences brought me back to one of the major flaws Beck has – he jumps to conclusions and sometimes those conclusions come from left field in a different galaxy from ours. I’m a friggin germaphobe and there’s NO WAY I’d risk getting an STD from either of them. To smooth over the fact that there’s never going to be the possibility that we fuck again/alleviate Beck’s fears, I told him about two men I’m casually seeing and some sexual details. It was in vain/too convoluted by my hesitance to keep from revealing too much because he didn’t get it: he thought I was trying to seduce him (the farthest thing from what I was trying to illustrate, which was my sexual needs are being met and then some). I thought by telling him that I’m having some of the best, mind-blowing sex I haven’t had in years, he would be relieved/convinced that I don’t want him. Instead, he went on a guilt trip because he felt wronged/ wasn’t doing right by his gf. That’s parallel number two: he sees a girlfriend as something frail that needs protection and he can be overzealous about it. He’s stopped trying to make new friends which he needs as his childhood ones move on up to adulthood with a mortgage, new address, car payments and other bills. I tried getting him to understand that adults do the hard things, they try to work out friendships/disputes/arguments, they hurt, they make-up and he doesn’t get it. He thinks his method of icing people out is healthy and doesn’t see his own isolation/isolating behavior.

It sounds like he wants me to be in a relationship with someone else now so that he doesn’t have to feel as guilty/have responsibility for my broken heart. He is one of the most narcissistic people I’ve ever come across: he thinks I was trying to get him aroused which he felt was disrespectful to his homewrecker of a gf (the gloves have come off) and him. Like I’m supposed to give a fuck about her. I know what she’s doing, too – my blog isn’t difficult to find and if she wanted the fast track to his heart, all she had to do was read. I did her a fucking favor by clearing the air about who Beck is and his conduct during and after our relationship; I knew full well that venting my anger and exposing our issues would clash with Beck’s need for control. Good lord, he’s reverted back to villager Albanian mentality and he’s acting exactly in the same manner as when we met in 2009. He espouses his principles like he has any and demands I treat the cunt-box he’s putting his dick in with respect?! He feels guilty for becoming hard when I mentioned how little I knew I needed a much better lay than him. Beck’s only managed to find my clit twice and acts as if he didn’t cheat on me, too. He’s as big of an emotional/mental disaster as his oldest brother but he can’t admit it. If I counted all the ways Beck is a hypocrite, liar and scumbag, I’d be counting until I turned 100 years old. He isn’t working and hasn’t held a job for more than a 2 year stretch (parallel three). His sugar momma must not have many options if she’s with a homeless, jobless and angry asshole. Yep, I said it and that’s how I know I’d never sleep with Beck or date him again: I’d be too embarrassed! I didn’t hold back any details, like flaws and shortcomings, when I was asked what happened to a nearly 7 years relationship. I’m almost giddy with rage.

I’m very proud of myself that I didn’t succumb to his pressure this time by admitting guilt for something I didn’t fucking do! Fine, you don’t want to be friends or even stay in touch – done! I hope you’re ready when Karma comes to set things right and I almost pity you, almost. I mentioned the other guys cause I thought it would help emphasize how much I don’t want him! Beck IS the common denominator when it comes to relationships, be it familial or social. His erections and his control are his problem, not mine. When his relationship crashes and burns, I ain’t catching him this time. I feel a little sad at his delusions. I see him through the eyes of other people now and I see what a waste of time he is: overweight, moody as all hell to the point people are on eggshells around him. He cuts and runs at the merest sign of trouble and he isn’t as dependable as he likes to pretend. I wonder what lies he told the 36 y/o homewrecker or is she as pathetic as I think she is to take on someone that young with little prospect. He’s not even that great in bed (I know, how the fuck did it take me 7 years to realize I needed someone better), he can be lazy, a glutton and he’s needy. That was part of the argument on Skye just an hour ago – he wanted me to confirm his angst/pain(as when he couldn’t keep it up while fucking) when I told him about the other guys. He felt crushed so he felt obligated/righteous to make me feel the same. What an asshole – he did that throughout our entire time together; he loved how misery loves company and there was only so much negativity I could take to carry us along. What kind of person does sociopathic shit like that and enjoys it? I’m relieved we won’t have anything to do with each other – I’ll go this way, he’ll go the other. He wasn’t strong enough for me and I admit I knew he’s not the One around our first year anniversary. The asshat even tried to convince me that we could celebrate our anniversary whether or not we were together b/c it’d be the birthday of our “friendship”.

The guy hates manipulation exerted on him but is a master at doling it out. He said all the mean things (like I’m not his best friend anymore b/c he got an erection talking to his ex-gf) he could and I know we’re not soulmates now. His hubris wasn’t allowing him to hear that I want nothing to do with his dick or heart and its his same tin-ears that can’t fathom how his family is changing to try to accommodate him. He’s such a fucking co-dependent pussy. Argh! How did I put up with this last year or the last 6?! His audacity at correcting my count of our relationship time (I said thank you for 5 great years and he snaps back with, “Wtf are you talking about? it was 7!”) and petulantly saying he didn’t want me to contact him in anyway (get the parallels and repeats by now?) but wasn’t blocking me either. Where is the maturity in this bipolar 31 y/o? He acted like a teenager does when he wants something his way but can’t get it. What’s the point of telling me that he knew it wasn’t good idea to be friends but he went against his intuition because he wanted to be friends? Just more low blows that keep my wrath boiling as to destroy everything that had been us. His gf dreamed of me? Bullshit, she’s manipulating his vulnerability and he’s allowing it because in his fucked up mind, trusting a stranger is better than those who know him. JP said a lot of truths about Beck that Beck didn’t like/want to admit so he came charging at me to “make me take it back” akin to being in kindergarten. Beck is a stranger to me and has been for longer than the summer; see, Beck thinks he’s so logical that hearing me call him a stranger set off a firework. He wants to be known but he wants to keep control of the narrative. He’s told me so many of his secrets, fears and desires, I can understand why he would be angry that someone suggested we’re not best friends (b/c best buddies know the in’s and out’s of each other) but I’m tired of his childish behavior. He thinks freezing his family out with the silent treatment for months is reasonable behavior (5 year old kids know better!), to trash/destroy every reminder of a relationship (but I’m the fool who held on to everything and sent duplicates when he requested them.. they won’t remain for much longer because when I’m done with this entry, I’m purging my electronics and mementos) and throw a BIG ASS tantrum in short.

Word of his collapse from some emotional upheaval/event is something that will set him back. Seven years with someone gives an inside view as to how people tick, handle themselves/situations, mature/refine themselves, their habits and ability to adapt/change. Everything about this evening, from the emails to texting and Skype webcam, was a loop from 2009. Tonight, the way Beck conducted himself and engaged/reacted to my jabbering wasn’t what I thought because I had trusted him and his words as sacrosanct (i.e. mature, stay calm). When he cut and ran though, I saw that coming and vainly hoped he’d matured to realize what’s important in life. If one of us died today, would we be okay with the things said and the things unspoken? I try to live that way and inflict no harm on others. Beck’s holier-than-thou attitude indicating his feelings were above mine in priority was the last straw. I apologized, I begged a little but refused to grovel (Beck loves it when people do that – he’s a vindictive asshat) because I wasn’t trying to arouse him or bring him closer to me; I don’t think he accepts that I DO NOT want him or anything to do with him other than a now dead friendship. He imagines himself as some bad-ass loner when the opposite couldn’t be more true. He has his own boundary issues because he wouldn’t accept that what I felt/intended by telling him about the other guys was innocent. He felt I did it on purpose, I know I didn’t and because we wouldn’t change ourselves for the other, I said goodbye. He got what he wanted and I got my memories/convictions.

Good lord, why did I waste so much time on a loser? One art journal confirms I only wanted to have fun with him and keep a real brief relationship. Beck is such a fraud: my parents treated him real well and he couldn’t do that for their daughter. I’m grateful MamaD and PopS love me like I love them and won’t let me go. They’re okay with me visiting and won’t tell or speak of Beck when we’re all together.. He can’t handle the truth and he enjoys inflicting pain on me – I cried so much during our relationship that I’m glad it’s over and done with. Beck has a dark side (I’ve seen him through every phase/stage someone would experience when trying to find themselves or some Universal truth) that overshadows a lot of his good. For example, he felt crushed over a frigging erection and made me feel like shit. He debased and hurt me so often, it’s a wonder I still had the spine to stand up to his tyrannical demands. Beck stopped reading my journal (I never asked him to start and from time to time, I sent him copies of entries) because the truth is too blunt. This time, I recant nothing. I’m at that point where I never wanted him back (a narcissist with more hubris than a tiger stalking easy prey) so I don’t know where he got the notion. I don’t want to sleep with someone who couldn’t get the fire started or would snuff it out!

Everyone has been telling me I look lighter (I lost some weight but I know the imply the way I hold and conduct myself) since Beck and I broke up. They’re right – my skin isn’t breaking out, I’m laughing and smiling, strutting and sauntering, socializing and flirting. In 8 days, I had 5 dates and they just keep coming. It’s like the Universe is happy I’m single and is throwing the best ones my way. I know one of the reasons Beck is with the 36 y/o is because she was the only one who responded to him out of God knows how many attempts he made with others on OkC. That’s parallel four: I was also one of three in 2009 who actually responded to him and he can only have those conversation chances. No woman that he has approached old-school style (having an open liner, getting a number, then date blah blah blah) showed interest. I know his insecurity and his anger when he’s rejected or he feels toyed with him. He’s not as suave as DHS guy, Jed or JP and a slew of women I know/knew. Essentially, he takes what he can get. I hope he gets that this is all my anger and resentment spilling out. I can’t keep that type of negativity in. I shouldn’t have agreed to continue our Skype conversation – Beck’s an emotional loon but I also knew he needed it so I gave in. But I won’t give in to an assumption that blackens who I am: I do not interfere with other people’s relationships and hearts! I never have and I never will! Go fuck yourself with an 14″ butt plug, Beck!

Advertisements