To me

Edit on 9/23/16 at noon: “It’s easy to love someone during their best, organized and polished moments; it’s at their worst ones, you’re shown how dependable and resilient their love will be.” Beck was never as strong as me or as strong as I needed him. I want his anger to dissipate and for that sense of balance to remain because he can’t stop hurting himself. I know trying to cut ties from him is bullshit b/c the Universe demands something else. I’m prepared to forgive and really forget this time. Love flows around me from everyone and everything and I’m letting it flow through me, to let my soul find nourishment. I’ll need it for what’s ahead and it won’t be pretty but I know I have the resilience to follow through. I’m stronger than I know and Beck could, too, if he kept/keeps fasting and stays on the diet that works for him/allows for deeper meditation.

I started this entry with: I’m still pissed Beck had the nerve to blacken my character and his ego is off the charts! He thinks he’s such a great fuck that I need or want his dick back when the reality is, he wasn’t enough. I know his 36 y/o girlfriend is probably giving him a lot of anal sex because Beck ties his identity with sex and it’s what he craves. He doesn’t realize how vulnerable to suggestions sex makes him feel or he won’t admit to it. We talked about that in the beginning and swore never to use it as weapon or bargaining chip against one another and we didn’t; I think it’s a low blow that he thinks I’d do it now just because we’re not together and it only further illustrates how much of a stranger he is to me. Too bad for him that JP was right about what kind of guy Beck is. Trying to blacken my name or making me admit to a wrong I did not commit (again) was the last straw. I changed so much of myself for him and he couldn’t do just a smidgen of the same for me; I was eating raw fruits and veggies when the diet thing was/is his issue, I changed the way I dressed around his family, I stopped making my “sex noises” (it’s called controlled and relaxed breathing in Chinese, goddammit!) when I remembered to, I learned Albanian, I apologized for shit I didn’t do/haven’t done (something I haven’t done since I was 9!) and on and on. I really wish I could hold onto hate because Beck would deserve it but I can’t hate him.

I’m scared and worried I’ll disappoint everyone if I ever let Beck back into my life. They’re adamant I stay away and keep away from him. I also hope that I stop wanting Beck in my life, in any form. I hope I can stop myself from being his confidante and someone to whom he can find affirmation/reassurance. This anger and hate Beck enjoys holding onto are something I’ll never understand – I thought I was tough, but Beck takes that above and beyond me. Even his own parents can’t believe his behavior: who willingly becomes homeless, stays jobless and refuses to have the change of heart he demands of those around him. A while ago, I told them everything about the 36 y/o and Beck that I knew to make things easier for him when he introduces her to them. Yeah, I’m fucking pathetic for still helping and caring for Beck. I’m terrified that I’ll come running should he need me because my safety net for him has enabled him to be this asshole (he called himself out) that I don’t know. It’s easier now to see the stranger he’s become and accept that the young man I met back in 2009 with such great potential is dead. I asked his family if they would have warned me away in the beginning if things hadn’t been so tumultuous when I met them. They’re not surprised or as hurt anymore by his words and actions: they are sorry that I didn’t see any of this coming because I, obviously, didn’t know him as well as they did/do and don’t deserve any of the crap Beck has put me through. There was almost no way I was going to survive as Beck’s partner/wife and I’m okay with that at this juncture. I feel a genuine cloud of bliss now that I don’t have to prepare for/absorb Beck’s negativity. I know I’m happier and I know others have taken noticed because they all compliment me with how great I look and move. I’m glowing. I feel a lot lighter without Beck and even though he doesn’t want to hear it, I’m happy that he’s found some happiness and peace of mind. I hope that trend continues for him and he makes up with his family members. I want him to find more genuine friends beyond “The Four Horsemen” because it’s not healthy to keep everything bundled up inside of yourself.

Beck is one of the greatest manipulators I’ve ever come across – if I thought Jed was bad, then this makes Beck something else. It speaks volumes that Beck projects onto me these insidious qualities that he exercises pretty regularly when he’s upset/angry when he knows that isn’t me. I’ve never gotten in the way of anyone’s relationship; if someone came on to me who I knew was committed to someone else, I’d give them an earful, probably beat ’em up and cut all ties. It’s for the same reason I can’t be friends with people who are attracted to me. God, it hurt so bad that Beck stooped to that level – I’ve been asking everyone and telling them what transpired from: 1) Beck jumping to the conclusion I was trying to turn him on from fucking NY while he’s in CHICAGO until who knows when [wtf kind of logic is that and what the hell is the point?! We’re not kids who need to find other releases because we can’t drive to where we want to be], 2) how *I* was being disrespectful to his gf/his relationship [we’ll get to the whole him defending his gf’s honor/respect in context to the way he’s been disrespecting and treating me], 3) since he was so crushed and upset, he felt the need to make me feel the same way and I know now that he wasn’t worth those tears of frustration and anger that he’s less than human with his cruelty and spitefulness, 4) he was so certain we’d keep hurting each other, he didn’t want to be friends [when he was the one who confirmed he wanted to in an email to me] and he’s a hypocrite when it comes his philosophy of wanting an outcome/something because if you think something bad will happen, it will, 5) he made excuses about telling me over Skype that he fucked someone else and how he wasn’t being disrespectful of me [I call bullshit b/c it felt like that but I always give someone the benefit of the doubt or I forgive wholly and work at never bringing it up again], 6) how he was in love with me four weeks ago but that’s changed almost overnight [sex is definitely a factor based on things he’s told me in the past], 7) he doesn’t think of me as a best friend b/c I wouldn’t admit I was trying to turn him on/test him [when MY fucking words have always been sacrosanct: it’s he who routinely reneges on anything he selfishly wants and he makes the mistake of evaluating me on his poor principles] and 8) once again, I’m not to contact him in anyway ever again. EVERYONE, of all ages, sex and status sees there’s something dysfunctional with him and they say I’m better off. I know they’re right in a way but this fading connection remains. His sexual attraction to me is not my fault and his own doubts about being able to resist the sexual prowess that rolls off me isn’t my problem. He knew from the beginning how sex radiates off me whether I’m trying or not and trying to get me to change that is trying to make the North pole the new South Pole. He will always be sexually attracted to me and he should have known he could rely on me if he couldn’t rely on himself to stay true. What makes my hands ball up into tighter fists is that he thinks I would sacrifice my principles on/for him or that my word is like his (i.e not consistent) and it couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I want to end here: I know I’ll have my chin up and I know my life is looking up and my situation is rapidly getting better and better. Beck was like an anchor, financially, emotionally/mentally, keeping me back from the things I wanted and needed to do. I know I did right by him every day at any given moment and I have to remind myself of that dozens of times a day until I no longer feel his presence looming in my life. Please, God, please let my connection to Beck die and please let me change ONE thing my dreams have shown me: the little girls that belong to me and him and whom he has dreamed about, too. I can’t go through this anguish anymore and I’m thankful a lot of it disappeared after seeing Beck on the 8th! I’m sure that the despair Beck feels coming from “me” isn’t entirely mine because it’s his; I want(ed) him to be totally honest to himself, first, because he hadn’t been and I knew it. The more he denies he needs his family, the more this cycle of self-hate and sabotage is radiating out and he’s only hurting himself. I know you wouldn’t allow his gf to dream of me and that sense of knowing it was bullshit was immediate when he told me she did. I’m too in tune with the Universe for such a thing to happen when I’m feeling this way and I think she carefully listened to Beck and was able to glean certain information by reading his facial expressions and body language but Beck thinks there’s something happening on a cosmic level. Whatever works for him, I guess. It’s also likely she’s reading what I wrote about Beck. I know the gift given to me by the Universe isn’t rare if someone makes an effort to meditate/connect to others; what makes me rare is the concentrated level, semi-control and power intensity. Thank you, God, I promise to make more of an effort to accept than change what I’ve been shown and to make into fruition what has been ordained. I know using this gift is strong ju-ju, I won’t abuse it. I’m just asking that you change one detail so that the real “One” can come into my life. Merci beaucoup, amen!