117This was us

I’m sorry I hurt you to the point of  being unable to stay in touch. You’d been pushing me away all year and more forcefully and cruelly than ever starting in August but not owning it until I made you. Would you really try to deny that by trying to push me into the arms of another man, sexually, you weren’t setting me up/creating an excuse to leave our relationship? Because that’s what it felt like and I intuitively rejected it. God, if I had felt it any other way I would have given in but I felt the distance between us. You’re right, I built walls and when we reconciled last year, I wasn’t sure if they should come down because I was trying to work out and separate feelings of abandonment, distrust and weariness. I was just starting to find me again after all the time spent bending to your will, conceding to you and unsure if you, who you were becoming/have become, were the person I fell in love with. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner that I was trying to catch up to you on a clean way of living because I didn’t want to fail you or dash any hopes. You know I’m not good when I’m pushed to agree on something – it had to come in at my pace. You have a way of talking to your loved ones in an overbearing tone sometimes and your expectation that they become what you want, do what you want, see and think as you do and follow your lead blindly wasn’t the right way to do things; your approach to certain topics could come off as zealous and I know I wasn’t the only one to notice or the first to experience the pressure. You could be a hypocrite sometimes but so could I; you made me doubt and double check myself and then became angry when I couldn’t form the sentences to express myself with all you interrupt. You think you argue in a rational manner but you don’t always do that. You cut in, concentrate on little expressions or sentence arrangement and disrupt the thoughts of me or any of the people you love and in little ways, redirect the argument and then, blame it on someone else. I know you say *I* did that and I did sometimes. However, my bafflement wasn’t/isn’t one sided. I’m more sure of that than anything else you could say to make me doubt myself.

I didn’t want to fight with you on Wednesday night but you can’t help yourself in dragging people down with you. You like fighting even if you profess the drain you feel, I can tell you get off on it. You’ve said so as much, when we were in more lucid times, how you feel powerful you feel and how much you enjoy “sticking it” to someone(s). I’m not saying these things to hurt you but to make you see your own behavior. My talks with your siblings leads me to believe you’ve been a grudge holder and vindictive most of your life and it makes me sad for you. I wanted peace between us and I think you behave like a jerk to drive me away b/c you think things will get better that way. It couldn’t be anymore worse of a choice and action to play out to think you can outrun the parts of your soul I share. You didn’t really want to reconcile last year – I was still locked out and slapped down when you wouldn’t admit something else was bothering you or you were upset with someone; I had to dig and  dig while taking the backlash until you would come up with your discontent/grievance that I sensed. I’m guilty of the same thing and why I never held it against you if you could keep an argument from spiraling into name calling and baseless accusations… if you could keep from breaking up with me everytime when you know it was the most painful of words you could cut me with. Fuck, I still love you and I still forgive you! I’m wrestling with my friends and my conscience and my pride and morals: everything saying to let go for my health, my benefit but they don’t account for the pieces of my heart and soul I would have to lose, too! I wish I knew how to quit you and I know the Universe is still spinning around the stars you and I are in our own galaxy. Eventually, I will consume the spiritual energy I released and gave to you – it’ll come back times three. Where another, a better you (but not you, if you know what I mean) will join me and that place of friendship will be swallowed into the abyss.

I wish I knew how to stop loving you in all ways, then I wouldn’t miss you, I wouldn’t dream of you. I wouldn’t miss you as horribly as I do. I stayed without you asking, I stayed when you asked and I’m staying here again with an offer of future support. You’re right, we can’t be just friends – our souls were fused together and denying our love and attraction to one another wouldn’t have lasted long.What I discovered in the last month about long-term relationships and being in love and loving someone waxes and wanes in it because it takes energy to love (that might explain your hunger around me), contained or not. It’s a natural cycle and feeling the intensity diminish a little can be taken as a breaking relationship or “falling out of love.” I thought I knew what I was talking about when I told you, many times before, that the hardest thing to learn is the difference between loving someone and being in love; I thought I knew all there was to know based on my relationship experience but I’ve been corrected by more wise people. The marriages that last the longest acknowledge this cycle and the love never leaves, the connection never dies. I really wanted having you in my life to work out b/c I need you to be happy and if a different relationship is what will make you so, then I want you to know it’s okay that you’re with someone else. I won’t keep you back, I won’t ask for you back and I won’t be in the picture.

A big part of me wants to be available to you in anyway you might need me in the future but I know, in the game of love and soulmates, that it’s winner takes it all. All of you and me or none at all. I know if I leave a door open for you, I could regret it but once I decide to drop someone, discover they’re not worth my time or developing quickly enough to be a beneficial friend, the doors and windows slam shut permanently. I’m not as angry anymore (that’s one area, at least, where I am not a turtle in digesting, analyzing and coming to a solution/conclusion) and- the latent anger after last year’s break up needed an outlet that you wouldn’t provide (at least, that’s the way I saw and felt it) popped like a balloon. The remaining angst is the reason I hurt you and unintentionally because I wouldn’t answer to the pain in my heart. The pain overwhelmed my ability to think and form cohesive thoughts, solutions and to see things from a clear perspective. If we had hashed it out, which I know you didn’t want to do because you’d deflect/change the topic yourself, we wouldn’t be here right now. If you hadn’t hardlined me into silence and knocking me down everytime I tried to step up and apologize, I wouldn’t have been so scared of losing you after every little spat and over the big, overblown fights. It’s not your fault because I should have done it anyway (kept at you for a discussion… that may have backfired depending on your frame of mind) and we still might have ended up here, but at least we would have known/learned something.

I keep having this dream that we’re together with kids but maybe it’s not you and more my soulmate; my head simply uses you as a placeholder. In the dreams, we have these conversations akin to what we had in the beginning continuing until, and this is only my estimate, 2014 is pinpointed as the year a lot changed for you. Kris was serving his time, Stephane moved away and you moved to a new home with its own complications. We spent too much time in NJ houses brimming with stress, depression, anger/resentment and dysfunction. Our happy bubble shrunk until it popped because our happy place was always with each other, alone and doing our thing; NOT being influenced or bombarded with familial strain/tension, the disrespect of boundaries/responsibilities and general communication failure (that wasn’t our problem, individually or as a couple). It was a nearly impossible task to lift Beck out of his depression sometimes and if I was stressed/having an off day,  our state of minds collided and created issues. If I kept things tightly wrapped up in me, it was because Beck couldn’t handle me and there were times it seemed that there was no room for my issues. I would have gone to him if I felt he would be receptive but I got shot down way too often; even now, I want to reach him but I know he doesn’t want to hear from me, be around me and I’ve finally learned to give him so much space that he drifted away completely. I think he was full of shit when he said he was still in love with me 4 weeks ago but it doesn’t matter in the bigger picture: he’s still gone. I’m equivocally dead to him. He never got or took the chance to know me which is why I wish I could reset the clock. I wanted to be known, deeply and wholly – Beck and I are nearly identical at this juncture. My soul says we’re locked together but I’m hoping the Universe will let that unravel. There was a lot of stress being relieved in my dreams from our chats, positive feelings that were palatable and the Universe emphasized again and again that we had to meet. Unlike Beck, I’ve met many people who share qualities and experiences that I thought only I had and connected with them. I can’t explain the odd coincidences of chance meetings, unbelievable experiences and the fact Destiny has wrapped me up and guided everything that I wanted my way. He has needed more friends, more confidantes since he began cutting/shunning people from his life – it was really rough on me that he relied so heavily and solely on me for support, fun, compassion, etc. I bore it out of unconditional love for Beck but it did take its toll. I kept pushing him to socialize and to grow: I don’t regret it even when it’s meant we can’t be together right now (or ever?). He’s the man I know he can be if he just let go of his anger and spite.

I hope you read this someday and can feel the sincerity of my well wishes, that you’ll hear an echo of our love if we’re years and decades apart. Seven years gone and the years of friendship that I regret losing. Most of these journal entries prior to this will be/are moot points but I’d prefer having conversations one on one instead of being misread if there’s a desire for clarity. I’m feeling like my bright, bouncy self again and I know only good things are in store for me as I hope they are for you. We’re getting to the end of these entries where I’m reaching the turnaround time to walk away forever and I told you they will disappear into oblivion/be erased. I’m fine and I’m reminded of it everyday by loving individuals who are letting me unload the emotional/mental burden and financial stress Beck put me through (not frequently but it seemed like he targeted specific times when he knew I was vulnerable).

Just last night, I hit up a strip club with a friend and his brother AFTER meeting at a different bar. They tricked me into going when I insisted we weren’t b/c my buddy needs to save his cash. They have matching smirks and offered playful apologies when they saw the look on my face when we entered: I was pissed. I couldn’t just leave them there either cause I was the DD and I knew hundreds of dollars would be blown if I left or I didn’t keep his wallet. I enjoyed taking away half the amount retrieved from the ATM and shaking my head as more than the half I let him hold onto disappeared in 8 minutes, not even kidding! I know he was trying to butter up the bartender (who was very pretty and you couldn’t tell that just 6 months prior, she was pregnant) because he never called her back. When guys bring a girl to a strip club, it’s to discourage the strippers they don’t care for because BOTH of them referred to my as their girlfriend like we were in some twisted TV reality show. I played along initially until I nearly killed his brother when he took himself a little too seriously in his drunken state and forced himself on me at the club. The little fucker was throwing money at the girls instead of being more polite and was trying to make it a game where he treated their breasts and thongs like basketball hoops. One stripper had enough of the kid (who pounded 5 shots of Jameson in one hour) and started telling him off but he thought he was being cute by being MORE disrespectful. That’s when we left just as the bouncers were coming our way. But the best part of the night was the way the women flocked to me without me doing any work. I have never had a difficult time attracting men and women to me (it’s that sexuality that roils off and around me and for which I have no control) and my best friend knows it: which is why he also enjoys watching it happen and being there next to me getting in on any action, LOL! I know I sound full of myself but if you ever want to tag along and experience it for yourself, hit me up with an email or however you get to my journal entries ^_^

Last night, it was the first time I’ve eaten well since Beck and I broke up. I’ve lost close to 15-17 lbs. and if someone asks what my secret is, I tell them it’s called “My break up diet” where I become extremely nauseous when food is in my face. I know it’s the tension and stress making me tighten up all my muscles so there’s no room left for food in my belly. I see “my breakup diet” as a positive but it’s not for everyone. It’s also a good test run of what I’ll feel in med school and show me how long my Crohn’s will remain in remission/not be an issue. After all, my last year at Buffalo was derailed by severe episodes of ulcerative colitis that ultimately became chronic while my semester credits, job as nanny/tutor and apartment upkeep/utility bills needed attention. So far, I’m hanging really well in and I look friggin awesome! My Lucky Brand jeans/clothing help exude my sexiness as does the lingerie under it all ;o)

 

 

Advertisements