Running away

is not an option and not the answer.

Beck would see how his mom scratched/”babied” his younger brothers and be disgusted. Yet, accidentally, I reminded Beck how he loved “scratchies” by doing it after a massage. He loved his head being rubbed/my nails running through his hair and all up and down his body. His arms and shoulders were the first observations and I loved hearing how his uncle would start scratching his or his brothers’ backs if they sat next to him and pulled up the back of their shirts. Let his new gf do the job now. Let me forget all his stories, experiences and growth. Let apathy replace this feeling of pain in my gut. I remember the last night at Ramsey, I woke up and saw Beck on his laptop and I knew he was hiding something. Beck calls himself an asshole and I realize it’s because he effectively cheated on me. He toyed with my emotions and led me on as he worked on a homewrecker. Don’t you fucking deny that’s what happened, Beck. That’s why this hurts so much – you can’t proclaim principles and morals if you’re constantly breaking them. I didn’t want to admit it to myself but now I have. Your parents know and your siblings know: do you know how badly you fucked up?

I couldn’t “mourn” what we had because it doesn’t feel over but I don’t deny we’re living our lives like it is; everyone else sees it’s not over and I’m starting to think of them as fools who were living vicariously through our love. We took the time to build a seven year relationship and that can’t be undone in days or weeks not even in months. Beck will never get over wanting sex with me – it entails too much fun and the pampering (massages, head rubs and body scratches) afterwards is guaranteed. Sex is tied to our identities but I’ve always been told how it radiates off my body like heat/light and everyone sees/knows it. He’ll never stop wanting me if I’m in his proximity, like magnets, we’re drawn to one another. I spoiled him. I focused on him and his needs and was able to intuitively know what he wanted and was thinking/feeling. I don’t know how I didn’t notice Beck doesn’t really know me as well  as he thinks he does; I don’t know how I missed that important factor except to say I loved listening to him talk passionately about the things which matter to him. I could listen for hours with bated breath for his laughter and his other sounds of contentment, I would have stayed forever there if he had allowed it.

I told him the answer I received about us, how we can keep one another and when he rejected the notion, I actively began crushing/cutting the dream. I begged God to let me undo this one thing and was met by silence. The same silent answer when I prayed to let go of the dream of med school/becoming a doctor. You can only lie so much to yourself for so long because the moment I felt the path to fulfilling a childhood dream was opened, I know I began to radiate joy. I lied to myself that I didn’t want it anymore and tried other things to get my mind off it – it worked but not indefinitely and it never felt right. I know Beck knows this truth for himself, too. It doesn’t feel right to say goodbye to MamaD and PopS and I don’t know why I’m going to do it, if I can go through with it. I just know I want this hole in my heart and the ache in my soul to disappear.

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