Peace

I’ve never poached someone’s significant other and if I came across men/women who clearly stated that their relationship was “on a break” or they were freshly out of a long-term commitment, I dropped them immediately. One, so that they had time to reconcile/work out their differences and two, so that their baggage wouldn’t become my problem. I believe it’s very healthy to take time off for yourself after a relationship has ended. The rule of thumb: for every 3 months a couple was together, one month was necessary to get over the relationship. I know I’ve done right by Beck. He’s probably thinking of his new gf as “a gift from the Universe” and using the line on her. He tells her how she inspires him (same thing he said to me) and how connected he feels. He thinks that a new relationship will fix things in his life and it won’t, not this early. I know he feels more understood right now, a little safer and less vulnerable but I know he’s trying to hide some information about himself, too, so he’s getting in his own way again. I know it’s a gratifying feeling when a new person thinks the world of you and puts you on a pedestal – they don’t know your intricacies, flaws and they can’t judge you correctly b/c there’s too many unknowns for them. A new relationship can have more patience because both parties are careful not to offend the other. The novelty is fun and intense but that, too, will wear off. I know he wants someone backing him up who doesn’t know him completely (as much as he insists it’s not the case) and who will “love him for him.” It perplexes me that he thought I didn’t/couldn’t when he’s seen all that I’ve done for him: he’s self serving and self righteous. I started seeing that and perhaps, my disenchantment with his worst qualities showed through my eyes. Like not being able to take responsibility for his life situation being as it is or holding a grudge/negatives, he didn’t consider the waning love as temporary or he was simply too weak to man up and try again: he left so as not to have to do the hard stuff. But I know I did right by Beck.

The people who love him can see there’s something so broken within him that they can’t reach him or he won’t admit it/let them in. It’s such a tragic loss of tight, emotional bonds that he can’t meet his family half way to reconcile when I know they’re at least trying. They’ve worked so hard on a change of heart that it’s cruel Beck won’t have one, too, where they’re concerned. He won’t change his mind but he expects everyone else to and read his feelings/intentions. He’s a hypocrite and he doesn’t want to know it. He thinks being with someone new who doesn’t know his more negative traits will make them disappear. By some kind of gold medal mental gymnastics, Beck thinks he can undo his mistakes/his life gets better if he can ignore his shattered honor (I never thought he’d cheat) and our unfinished business. A window of time had made it possible to start with a fresh clean state for me and him; he doesn’t like dealing with the hard stuff, sometimes a.k.a. reality.

Changing for Beck didn’t help/get him to stay and not changing for him (refusing to admit to something I didn’t do) bore the same results. I pity him. He’s broken inside, somewhere and he doesn’t know/can’t fix it. I became conscious of it when he spoke of his ex or friends he hasn’t seen. There’s a deep ache that needs acceptance and solace; a place Beck locked me out of from the start.

I have to remember what Mama and Pop said: to take care of myself first because they know the toll loving Beck has taken on me. They remind me that he’s lost somewhere and they wish they had seen it or could have fixed it. They think they should have been harder on Beck so he’d get out of the demoralizing cycle of jobless/depression with overworked/manic. I think that would have been the wrong move but what do I know about Beck? I know nothing – he’s a stranger to me whom I paradoxically love. They tell me they know how hard I worked to make Beck happy, to mend broken bridges and that our break up isn’t my fault. His brothers, former friends and other family members didn’t know if they should have warned me about Beck but they respected me for trying and lasting longer at it than any other. He’s done the same thing to them as he did to me: pushing them away as hard, fast and cruelly as he knew how and trying to rationalize by putting the blame on the other party. Adults have to do the hard things and work in the grey; children are afforded a black and white world until they’ve matured to see the complexities of those two shades.

He’s too old for silent treatments but he does anyway; like a child who will break a favorite toy in a rage and be sorrowful only afterwards when it’s too late, he did it anyway. It’s not my fault the way he is and I wish he would see how his life can be fixed with the people who care about him.

I came home last night and for the second time in 6 weeks, I was ravenous! Getting the blessing to stay in touch and vice versa, a heaviness was lifted. I was never sure if I was seeing Beck clearly when he was angry/frustrated because he would spout hateful words and make ultimatums. My first inkling that Beck has no coping skills was the day he came back from a friend’s funeral and he dropped his best college buddy without an explanation to him. I tried getting him to see that friendships blossom when there’s clear communication and people can only change if you tell them what’s wrong just as only you can change if you recognize you, too, have to work on yourself. Relationships are compromise, not a battle filled war of tit-for-tat grudge matches in a winner takes it all mentality. If you view relationships like a battle field, you’ve already killed it.

I’m happy Mama and Pop agreed to stay open-minded for Beck and his new gf. I might be exaggerating on how my ex’s parents will greet his new gf. First and foremost, they’ll see a homewrecker and a son they don’t know well anymore. Being told you’re too good of a woman to be tied down with someone having Beck’s deep flaws/hubris is reassuring and gratifying: I knew last night that Beck and I will never cross paths again. I feel much lighter, reinvigorated and absolutely relieved it’s over. I know I made Beck a better person and if not directly, then definitely indirectly.

PS: He never remembers the good deeds done for him, only the bad things and he holds onto them. Beck does not blame himself but everyone around him. He thinks he’s never wrong. He likes to judge other people.

MD: Yes, he has a lot of pride, too much pride. He’s very picky and fickle and he doesn’t always do the right thing by his family or especially you!

PS: Beck judges people and thinks they’re all bad, liars or hypocrites but he can’t stand to be judged. I’ve offered him many jobs to take in these 10 years and he’d rather do nothing! Just wants to play games, be alone and sleep and stay in the house all day: not healthy.

MD: I really think it’s depression but Beck won’t see a doctor. But what S and I want you to know first is that we want to keep you and we will follow your lead on how often we can get together/stay in touch.

Me: He’s lost and doesn’t know it…

PS: I don’t know where we went wrong with that one.

MD: Maybe we should have been stricter

Me: I don’t think that would have helped actually.

(a little while later)

MD: Remember, Daisy. You have all the qualities a lady should have and more! Anyone should be lucky to have you in their life. I’m serious, you took care of our son, you made efforts to know and love his family and cousins, you’re very smart and you’re going to go everywhere you want, have everything and do whatever you want! Me and PopS want you to know we appreciate everything you’ve done and NONE of this is your fault.

PS: Yes, this time, this is on Beck. We are not used to this break-up and date again. In our generation and culture, you stay with the one you choose to love through the good times and the bad. You do not hurt them. You do not leave them, especially after you introduce her to your family.

MD: It worries us that the younger generations don’t have the patience or development to stick with a relationship. It takes compromise and doing things out of love for the one you love. Just because you are mad at each other or hurting doesn’t mean you break up and find someone else immediately! Sometimes the love will fade a little but it always returns/goes back up for your loved ones. Seven years, Daisy, and Beck has thrown it away for what?!

Me: I’m sorry, I feel like I failed you, guys, on not being able to heal him…

SB: It’s not you, it is my son. It’s not your place for that. He has a degree and we were so proud of him. Driving back and forth seemed worth it. But look what he’s done with all the work and he is smart but he chooses to do nothing. We know, we know how hard you worked. This is hard for us, too. We care about you and that’s why we want you to be happy.

MD: Yes, we want you to give your best self to someone who will make you happy. From this point we want you to let it go; Let it all go and take your time when you look for someone new. Don’t rush because it won’t help – you know it won’t help right now. Take time for you, just Daisy. You have so much of yourself to give and you give it willingly and a lot! Be cautious now that you see traits that tell you it won’t work. You’ve learned and you’ve done it the hard way, I’m sorry about that. Choose carefully and wisely next time because a woman like you should not have 7 years ripped out from under her. You know the signs now and we want you to remember you have it all and more, that anyone would be lucky to have in their life. Someone who will appreciate your qualities and see you, who will know letting you go is the biggest mistake they could make.

PS: Don’t be sad and do not worry about us. We are well taken care of by our other sons. This situation is NOT your fault, remember that. Our family state is Beck’s mistake for not wanting to try anything – not because you’re not Albanian.

MD: Try to hold on to what makes you happy and remember to let this ALL GO!  All of it, I mean that. Walk away, don’t wait and don’t look back. See us as friends and know that a it’s okay if we don’t see or hear from each other often as you do whatever it is that makes you happy! We know you love our family and that you gave Beck your everything: all your love, support and encouragement. This is his loss he will have to deal with, you understand?

I know they were saying Beck isn’t enough for me. That I should turn my back if Beck comes to me and to keep walking away resolutely, as tough as that will be. The electric energy glowing in me and that I share with others I care about/love is magnetic and powerful. I lied to Beck when I alluded to the possibility he was as in tune with the Universe as me when I last saw him; what he has comes from me and as we move away, the less potent it will be for him. The less coincidences will occur for him. In my own way, I said goodbye for the last time to them. I drove away and let all the memories rise from my heart and head and let them fall away with every second of my drive home. I love you MamaD and PopS, I loved you like my own parents.

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