An open letter to New Suitors

I could tell you all there is to know about me, the soup to nuts but I know you won’t listen and retain all of it. I could tell you what makes me tick (in bed, the kitchen, public settings, etc.) but it wouldn’t matter because you’d superimpose what you wanted of me, eventually if not secretly. I could tell you how I’m not ready for anything new because my 6.5 year relationship was recently terminated sixty days ago and I need to sort through the emotional baggage my ex left me holding when he went to get a new P.O.A. I could tell you I need time for me because I refuse to become involved with someone new if the baggage has every chance of hurting a stranger who doesn’t deserve it. I could tell you it all but I know the futility of it because it’s happened before, it’s happening now and will continue in the future for as long as I am single.

You’re going to fall for me very quickly and most likely, you’re going to fall hard. I’m great at listening and entertaining but that won’t be the draw. I can dress up to the nines and look like I just stepped out of a page in Vogue. I can dress down and look like I jumped out of a Nike ad. But those won’t be the draw: I glow, I know I do and I radiate when I’m happiest or on the prowl. You’ll feel like you’ve known me forever or at least, that you’ve spent that time looking for me. Yes, I’m eloquent with words which you will find strikes your heart and soul very deeply  – I have been blessed with this ability all my life (from childhood to now, as hard as it is to believe. I’ve been told hundreds of times that I must be “an old soul.”) My intuitive and inquisitive nature is not uncommon: it’s the fact that I’ve remained hopeful and can still be vulnerable that makes me awesome and wholesome and you’ll try to figure me out when there’s nothing to figure out. Those hours of conversation, over the phone, the net, Skype, will make you insistent on seeing me or seeing more of me, much more often than I’m willing to give so early on. I’m not playing hard to get or being a snob: I’m giving you a genuine answer and requesting that you respect my boundaries. I know I’m very easy to talk to and it’s enjoyable: it’s called having social skills, being poised and knowledgeable. That je-ne-sais-quoi feeling you’re getting is magnetic, I know and I pity you if this is the first time or only second (whatever minuscule amount) that you’re really connecting with another person. Please don’t be angry or become resentful if I don’t return the affection. You see, you’re not the only one in my life who feels that way towards and around me; before I let you into my inner circle, I have to know what you’re like at your worst and best and those things take time. Be patient.

The mistake that ends our banter will be jealousy/possession. I will ask when your last relationship ended, how long it ran for and why it ended: if I detect dishonesty/evasiveness, we’re done. Please, don’t look upon me/a relationship with me as the answer to whatever emotional/mental/familiar turmoil you’ve buried deep.

I don’t need expensive things or trips or whatever you think it is women need/want to be swept off their feet. I’m not a gold digger – I can support myself, thank you. Thank you for the offer of weekend/week trips to see Bali, Aruba, Provence and wherever. I’ll take you up on them when I feel completely comfortable with you but until that point (after seeing you 7 or 8 times), you don’t need to up the ante by including 14 day cruises (heh, thank you for paying attention – I’ll get to it one of these days :o) or buying expensive gifts! It scares me when people move too fast towards because I feel that the true intentions may not be pure. I cannot be owned. I cannot be bought. The diamond earrings and matching necklace were exquisite and a puppy right now is what I need but unfair to him. It’s sweet that you’ve been listening to me and my desire for a family/children but you have to understand that I’m still working through the emotional baggage of a dead 6 yr relationship. I know you want me happy and you want to be the one I choose: let me have the time to sort myself out if you do. I don’t want to regret more than I already do – I’ve made it one of my principles to live without it.

The hours of conversation and fun, energetic dates are my forte. I love engaging with new people and making everyone feel welcome; no one should be/feel excluded. I know my bubbly chatter and strong energy are infectious times ten as I know my pain can be felt by others. I used to think I was great at hiding my emotions behind the inherited scowl from my mom’s side of the family. I know I can be scary and intimidating; I can come across as aloof but trust me, most of the time, it’s just the way my face relaxes, tehehe! Understand you’ll have to share me with others, especially with the ones who came before you and the ones who will come after (i.e. children ;o). I’m very animated when I’m hyper and elated so my clumsiness will be magnified as well =oD Don’t ask me how I pole vaulted or performed in gymnastics because the closest thing I can come up with is that my body and mind are so occupied remembering all the things to do and how to make my body go, I somehow become graceful ^_^

Now, there will be many times where we will bump into my friends and family – my life is one long thread of connections and coincidences which I’m pretty sure I inherited from my mom. We’ll go to Broadway shows, a dive bar, an exotic location, etc. and I promise you, at some point, we’ll discover so-and-so is related to a close friend of mine. I found myself/came into my own at a very young age and that allowed me to dare to go far away from home for summer college programs. Knowing who I was and what I wanted to become gave me conviction in myself and a fearless approach to strangers my age and not: befriending people came as easily as learning to tie my shoes. My sweet 16 had 200 people and I know my wedding will have at least 500 people on my side. You’re sure you know what you’re getting into?

Please, don’t try to see me in every setting (e.g. relaxed BBQs, banquets, bars, ballrooms, home, etc.) so quickly. I promise I know how to conduct myself – my parents wouldn’t have it any other way even when they realized they couldn’t break my tomboy streak. Buying me the dress I was looking at or the expensive purse isn’t what I want; I understand you want to spoil me and take care of my every whim, desire and need. It’s just too soon. I don’t want to hurt anyone, directly or indirectly, when these wounds have not yet scarred over: it’s unjustified and cruel if my emotional state spills into yours. I made a bad call in the aftermath of my break-up because I thought it would help smooth things along when my most recent ex and I made an attempt to be friendly. The guy I chose is the reason I’m writing this to my new suitors. He wanted too much, too soon and I simply wasn’t ready (even though the sex was awesome!). My friends and family remind me that time for myself is more incredibly important than seeking and being with a new beau after a break-up. It’s right to analyze and assess the last relationship in totality before diving into the next, keeping in mind the rule of thumb: for every 3 months together, one month of solitude is required for a healthy heart and mind. Some of the dates who went through similar relationships and break up’s or more/worse (fiance fucking the best man type ugly) and are now down 6-8 months on the path I’m starting to take, reassure me that it’s true and the right choice is to take time and step back. They know it’s tough and that’s what I need: quality ME time as cliche as it is.

New suitor, if you can play within those lines, I’m sure we’ll get along fabulously!

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