Growing up, I could be an angry child or a really happy, peppy one. I was the teenager always flashing a bright smile and probably speaking in a pitch many coffee-addicts find unbearable anytime before 10 am. There was nothing I couldn’t conquer and yet, my fragile health could demolish the foundation on which I placed my pride, ego, faith, strength and intelligence. I was very aware of a duality warring within my body for dominance: in a way, conscious of being at the extreme end of things all the time. It made me high to know all that I was capable of and the insane opportunities waiting for me to pluck them or having them fall at my feet.
Only now am I able to grasp serenity. I don’t go to war with my mother everyday and hours at a time. She’s been surprisingly supportive of me post Beck; not of the break-up itself (boy, did she push and push me to reconcile with him and forgive the transgression for weeks) but aware of my inner turmoil. I know she and my father are terrified they could lose me again like they did back in 2007 when I entered a depression over my health prognosis and gave up on living. The painkillers meant to alleviate the pain of radiation, a failing G.I. system and a dying nervous system kept me in a stupor but not great enough of one to dull my wish to die more quickly and spare my family and friends anymore of my languishing body. I mistook numbness for serenity, then but understand I do not mistake this peace for anything less than the highest cause humans should be elevating themselves to.
Grace is walking away with my head held high and going above and beyond to tie up loose ends. I know many would disagree with me/my course of action but I’m not doing it for them: I always do it for me. Grace is admitting my wrongs without expecting forgiveness in return and grace is admitting I still love/am in love with Beck, I always will be, but having the strength to let him go. Grace is accepting I will have many suitors of whom many will not keep my attention, many who will go above and beyond to keep it but it’s necessary to go through them anyway if I want a family of my own. Grace is wanting Beck to be the best he can be: to hope the poet, the artist, the entrepreneur I’ve seen in full swing finally obtain enough momentum to break down his own walls. Grace is the ability to enjoy the happiness of others without intruding and definitely without impeding.