I should not despair that one facet of my life is to teach someone how to love themselves. What I give of myself and energies, I receive back times three. My heart is quickly mending now that I released so much pent up anger, pain and sadness and refused the negativity any re-entry. I thought I needed Beck and I don’t because what I really feared was losing the parts of him I’ve grown to love: the people and places we’ve been to, memories inside my car (that will soon go the same way as my MidnightMyst) and around Flushing/the city and the cultural blend that was hard fought and hard won. It is enough for me, knowing they chose me over him: something I didn’t expect and didn’t dare hope for because you can never ask family to give up on blood lines. Just knowing they did it once (and everytime I get to see smiles on faces I cherish) was liberating but knowing they make the same choice whenever I hear their voices or fall into their embrace: I’ve never known such unconditional love since my grandmother passed away.
I was afraid I had lost some of the best pieces of myself when Beck told me he was in love with another woman within weeks of professing the same to me. His choice of words when he asked if I would feel betrayed if he went out with this ____ on a day we had habitually saw one another only registered when he called himself out as an asshole ex-boyfriend. He knew what he was doing was wrong but he went ahead anyway and as a monk reminded me, Beck did me a great favor. I am the greatest eagle to grace this planet who cannot be tamed because a tamed American Bald Eagle is a dead one: some creatures were never meant to be penned in by lesser beings. I am the fragile but magnificent monarch butterfly whose 3,000 arduous migration is one of the Earth’s great wonders and I am the phoenix who lives brilliantly, dies and is reborn without resentment or fear of what it must endure to become light itself.
Ask me what it’s been like to be me again and I will have no words. It’s in my bright smile, laughing eyes and warm embrace. What makes me up is in the trail of turned heads, rhythmic strut of hips and strong thighs, the opened doors and golden opportunities awaiting my arrival. I am a person’s desire to please me, to unabashedly look upon my face and figure for a moment longer and to go above and beyond to service me in any and all ways 😉 The posture of a gymnast, the grace of a ballerina and the strength of a typhoon. The quick wit of a scholar-athlete espousing the wisdom of her elders and peers enmeshed with the wonder and silliness of a naive child. Someone who knows heartache but is willing to keep her own heart open to it time and again for the journey of deep, soulful love/commitment alone.
On Monday, it occured to me that my first love was Jeff, Taiwanese guy, who was his own shit show at age 16. I was in love for the first time and felt like I had to stay when he revealed his suicidal tenancies (it’s the heroine complex much like Beck’s hero’s complex) and we stayed in touch until college. By then, I had already dated two other guys and guy number two would stick around for 7.5 years (to the extent of putting me in the hospital after messing up my face and throat with ugly bruising and lacerations). In parallel with my ex, Chris, I would meet Jed and it’s here where I began falling deeply in love with someone. Jed was a philanderer who shared my high intellect/drive but he had the heart of an artist/musician, too. The stories he would write about us, the poetry he’d share or dedicate to me would make me swoon so hard, I didn’t notice my feet had left the ground. Jed would be the first lover to touch my body in ways I still crave – it’s a sensuality I haven’t come across as often or as intensely as I’d like. Our bodies would literally move as one and it took me 5 years to get over him (though not ever completely). I see a hazy pattern running through my relationships founded on love: Jeff (first love), Chris (rebound/stable love), Jed (soulful love), Beck (jury is still out) and Mr. X (true love) but being that I can’t paint a detailed picture, who’s to say I know what I’m talking about?
What do a pilot, chef, two musicians, two writers, a pharmacist, doctor, nurse, dentist, four financial advisors/investors, two teachers, one law enforcement official, two advertisers, three artists (graphic and traditional), one lawyer, one programmer, one engineer and three sole proprietors have in common (aside from wanting me to choose only one of them)? A willingness to fall in love and take on this world with me as their mate for as long as we both shall live 😉 I promise, I have good stories coming up on the dates I’ve endured for your amusement, cheri!