Redemption can be sought by even the most damned by making amends. You can regain admiration, respect, loyalty and your integrity by setting things right with people/family/friends, animals/living beings, etc. you have wronged. The first step is always admitting your mistake(s), then apologizing for them. The key is sincerity and genuine effort in mending broken bridges. You can be someone worth while and looked upon as a noble soul, again, with the right timing/intention(s).

Again and again, I know the day is coming where Beck is told exactly what I’ve done for him and all the benefits to be reaped now and later. I would have fought harder to keep him if he had made indications he wasn’t feeling loved/understood/respected. I would have fought to get him back except I do not meddle in the lives of other couples. I gave up my Tom Zabawa, even though we had a friggin’ great and reliable friendship, because I knew it was wrong of him to hit me up when he was drunk/his wife wasn’t around and by staying in touch at all, I knew it was wrong to her. It hurt and it still hurts: every relation that tipped into love without mutual understanding I have given up wholly at great cost to my heart but in the grand scheme of things, it’s the right thing to do. I think some would say it’s self-sacrifice and the ache feels much like a part of me dies. I’m always making new friends wherever I go so it’s not like my circle becomes smaller; on the contrary, it probably becomes bigger because my attention can be spread out to many as I decide who stays and who goes. Still, the years of lost friendship can be a bitter cold biting at my memories… I’d rather be just than right – I don’t want to be looked upon with contempt for being a hypocrite. If I realize I am or was being one, I make amends to the injured party. I don’t do what’s best according to my ability, I go above and beyond.

Please, let me be wrong about Beck holding onto a potentially painful/short relationship because he feels bereft of his closest friends and family or more likely than not, he won’t be able to admit failure/wrong. I never thought he could sink so low and Beck is probably feeling/thinking the same. He’s going to choose the path of most resistance (sticking to a woman his parents currently reject in the name of my noble and good character) in a bid to reclaim his integrity. I pity the fact he acts in a manner to prove himself to others but that boy-ish earnest intention is really endearing. I can still feel his arms around my waist as we’re lying in bed, asking me to wait a little longer and hold on until the bad times/fights pass to make a call on whether to stay. I reconsidered leaving many times for him and I know he did the same for me. It’s a fucking shame we can’t resume a friendship and I can’t believe he didn’t consider how his family would look upon his new relationship through the lens of our nearly seven years. There’s no obligation on my part to make things easier for him because it’s ultimately on him to buck up and take whatever comes on the chin.

I’m going to be gone for a little while. I’ll check in sporadically with wild tales and I know I promised you some hilarious and some sensual stories 😉 They’ll make an appearance but for now, as the monk declared, I have to be silent and still. I have to be open to messages and have clarity to understand what I’m being told. So, I am and so I have and the Universe continues its commands.

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