The lights are dimmed and the music in the background is some nondescript trance/instrumental type that she enjoys. I’m massaging her drained body and hoping I can release the sexual charge running just under a cloak of doubt, fear and pain. She has a way of twisting her muscles under my hands when I hit those sensitive spots and it’s difficult to ignore the way she groans with pleasurable release. There’s palatable emotion in the air as the highly electric current that is her mind is sorting through the last few months of 2016. She murmurs, “Am I making a mistake? Is it so large as to be un-doable? I hate hurting people.”

Me: “No, you’re following sound advice from all your peers and elders by moving away from Beck. Above all, you’re not hurting your cowboy by enjoying his company and obviously vice versa.”

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Beck’s response

Beck wrote on 11/08/2016: “I asked you not to contact me, but you’ve done it twice now. I’m blocking your email address. I wish you all the happiness in the world, but please don’t contact me again. I am moving on. I am happy, and I am growing. I think you should do the same.”

I should check my email box more frequently but my response, albeit very late,:

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Trust Fund

Him: No, I don’t understand how “some part of you” will always be in love with your ex. I need all of you. I have to have all of you to myself.

Me: You’re trying to look me in the eye and tell me some part of you doesn’t still love your first gf or first love?

Him: I love my memories of her…

Me (cold stare): …and the college age you still loves her, am I right?

Him: It’s not the same! What I feel for you is nothing I’ve ever experienced!

Me (shaking my head): If I got a grand for everytime I’ve heard that in these last few months…

Him: Why can’t we be exclusive?

Me: Like I told my Texan and I will tell you, again, I’m not ready-

Him: I think you like being a cock tease-

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I Won’t Give Up on Us

Remember late night radio song dedications? Here’s throwing back to it:

For Beck, sometimes music is the only way to express the complicated emotions. The narrative of our break-up was emotional cheating on your part; I know you’ve tried to change the story (that we weren’t “officially” together so sleeping around wasn’t cheating on me) but people aren’t dumb. They can do the math of your new relationship in correlation of ours. I forgive it anyway and I’ve taught your parents/brother to do the same: they promised me that they would learn from the past and not inflict on your new gf what they did to you/us. You’re wrong about your parents and extended family: people can change.

When I look into your eyes

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Happy Anniversary

Today would have been seven years. Back in July, I began saving money/had planned for a 7 day cruise or 7 day trip to some exotic locale (Chile or Provence, France, maybe?) we’d talked about but didn’t get around to: one day for every year. I was so excited to surprise you with the trip and had begun laying out the blueprint to acquire our passports, with the help of my aunt, in the shortest amount of time possible. I didn’t know if I could keep the secret… I didn’t know we wouldn’t be together.

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Loose ends

They keep hammering away at my resistance because they know I still love Beck. They know I can forgive but won’t forget. They know I’d forgive everything to have him back but therein lies danger and potential regret. My circle caught my free-falling confidence and conviction that Beck and I were meant to be the love story for the ages: they got to me in time so I didn’t self destruct. I know they want the best for me but nobody gets to dictate what I do with my life and my friends and family sure as hell won’t question my decisions if they can see I’m joyful and bubbly. In my earnestness to make everyone I come across feel welcomed in my life and extended relations, I know my friends take a moment to reflect on whether or not to intervene when I have someone new in my life. Just as they became a part of me and my other friendships with no questions asked, I think they understand they have to show the same acceptance to whatever stranger I’m getting to know. So, when I realize I have to keep the possibility that Beck and I do end up together in the future, reason being our strong connection/dream sharing, my friends and family must make the same sacrifice and allowance. They must forgive as I forgive because I’ve let it all go: all the heartache, anger and resentment. I understand trying to go against the tides of change/predetermination the Universe threw at me was futile: I’m not built for negative emotions and my heartache was my soul simply crying out that it had enough of the pain.

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