Loose ends

They keep hammering away at my resistance because they know I still love Beck. They know I can forgive but won’t forget. They know I’d forgive everything to have him back but therein lies danger and potential regret. My circle caught my free-falling confidence and conviction that Beck and I were meant to be the love story for the ages: they got to me in time so I didn’t self destruct. I know they want the best for me but nobody gets to dictate what I do with my life and my friends and family sure as hell won’t question my decisions if they can see I’m joyful and bubbly. In my earnestness to make everyone I come across feel welcomed in my life and extended relations, I know my friends take a moment to reflect on whether or not to intervene when I have someone new in my life. Just as they became a part of me and my other friendships with no questions asked, I think they understand they have to show the same acceptance to whatever stranger I’m getting to know. So, when I realize I have to keep the possibility that Beck and I do end up together in the future, reason being our strong connection/dream sharing, my friends and family must make the same sacrifice and allowance. They must forgive as I forgive because I’ve let it all go: all the heartache, anger and resentment. I understand trying to go against the tides of change/predetermination the Universe threw at me was futile: I’m not built for negative emotions and my heartache was my soul simply crying out that it had enough of the pain.

I know a part of me will always love Beck/be in love with him and I can accept that, I’m learning to live with a piece of my soul detached. He’s different from Chris and Jed in that he could change, bit by bit, and he really did put effort into us. I lost Grandma Bev and Aunt Lindy/Julia when Chris and I were through: I don’t forgive myself for not seeing Grandma Bev one last time before she left this Earth, she was a good woman and very good to me. In staying away from Jed, I lost his family and a few mutual friends (they weren’t tight with me because the ones who are, stayed). Eventually, I’ll lose Beck’s family members who, currently, enjoy my visits and value/love me as much as I love them: time will prompt me to marry someone else, have children and engage as deeply and sincerely with my spouse’s support network, leaving little time to concentrate elsewhere. It’s just the reality of our break-up which motivates me now (for the last 8 weeks) to tie up loose ends: saying farewell and expressing appreciation to friends and family who knew Beck and I as a couple. Perhaps, I’ve missed one straggler here or there (I’m sure I’ll randomly be contacted to get a message to Beck in the near future as I already have) but I’ve made my apologies and kept my promises (something I take very seriously) to the vast majority of his friends and family. I’m at peace that I went beyond my maximum capacity to do that and I know I can do it all over again: already have three times over.

Then, it should not come as a surprise, I believe that in perseverance, there is redemption. The very act of striving to redeem your reputation and self worth, to regain footing in your family and community is a positive start. It’s recycling the bad, old stuff and forging new, stronger steel which others can trust to rely on again. To make amends to those left behind in a trail of destruction they neither deserved nor asked for: to be brave enough to be a good person. It’s easy to hurt others, remain pessimistic, feel like the world/family/community owes you something and living in that mindset will not bring happiness. When we hold in years of latent anger, it bubbles up through the cracks regardless of how well tamped down we think we have it and we desire to hurt someone else. It was convenient for Beck to lash out at me because I was the only one around but I always knew the anger was 99% of the time misguided (once I got over my anger and pain of being unjustly the target) and I forgave. I fully admit to instigating, prolonging and misdirecting our fights and the only thing Beck was not guilty of was misdirecting them. All that being said, we learned to grow together (individually and as a unit), come to some kind of agreement/truce (with great make-up sex), we were willing to change (to varying degrees and lengths from one another), we made a good power couple organizing trips/getting shit done, people who encountered us showed awe cause we were so in-step with each other and we nearly made it to seven years. We could have/can still make it to 70 as long as I can remain open to Beck without seeking him out and continuing to do my things. The Universe cannot be rushed nor forced (I had to re-learn that even after weeks of my tears, begging to make it stop hurting, there’s a time and place for everything): I just had to learn to let go of my need for absolute, with a death grip on it, control.

In The Count of Monte Cristo, Edmund Dantes begged Mercedes to stay away and let him keep his anger because he was falling in love with her all over again; the anger and thirst for vengeance motivating the desire to cause anguish to those who had betrayed him, who had ensured 13 years of torture and punishment when he was guiltless. Edmund admits his anger is all he has left and he is anger, fearing which without, he would be nothing, not even a man (which would be untrue considering the benevolence he shows other characters). Beck holds onto his anger in much the same way. He’s self-righteously holding onto his “new” piece of ass to prove a point to everyone and himself: that breaking up with me was the best thing he did and he doesn’t realize “everyone” need not nor want proof but still, he’s doing it to himself. He’s shadow boxing. He’s Sisyphus and he doesn’t realize it; he’s taking the hard road for no damn good reason when all he has to do is stop and let go, as well. He’s more than his anger, his short-comings and failures. He’s bright, charming and as soon as he finds his center, the balance between being vulnerable and secure, Beck will have greatness. As Christian said, “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is: to love and be loved in return.”

Understand, my friend, that I’m on the cusp of choosing amongst four men, only one and not waiting for Beck. My 6′ 3″ Texan and 5′ 9″ financial analyst/investor are in the lead but my 6′ 1″ Trust fund baby and 6′ Silicone Valley VC may be more well rounded and fitting my needs. All are under 40 and amazingly open about their desire to settle down and start a family. Their frankness on love and playfulness in all other situations tug on my heart strings: I’ve definitely fallen “in like” with them. It’s too soon to declare that I’ve fallen in love (everytime they’ve moved into kiss me or gently press for more, the tears fall – I’ve yet to understand why my soul feels like it’s being branded) but maybe by the new year, the dust from my break-up will have settled enough to allow a clearer picture. Yes, yes, stories to amuse all “cumming “;-)  With all the loose ends attached to people Beck and I knew being tied off, I feel stronger and serene. I’m less panicked and confused and my heart isn’t breaking every day. I accept that I have to let the broken pieces fall where they may without interfering. I’m no longer angry or hurt. I’m simply me.