Today would have been seven years. Back in July, I began saving money/had planned for a 7 day cruise or 7 day trip to some exotic locale (Chile or Provence, France, maybe?) we’d talked about but didn’t get around to: one day for every year. I was so excited to surprise you with the trip and had begun laying out the blueprint to acquire our passports, with the help of my aunt, in the shortest amount of time possible. I didn’t know if I could keep the secret… I didn’t know we wouldn’t be together.
I recall your desire to celebrate our friendship but reality set in: our sexual attraction to one another will never disappear or fade away. We were hurting each other because we were hurting as individuals sharing one soul; the pain was intense, to say the least, and confusing because it indicated how much we still loved each other. A person can’t be wounded on an emotional level to the depths that we had without an immense connection: I told you, the opposite of love isn’t hate but apathy. For weeks, I strove to drain myself of everything connected to you, working to become apathetic and not succeeding. Everywhere, you would pop up unexpectedly: being called upon by the people who knew us as a couple, a fragmented thought not of my origin and becoming slammed with a wave of emotion inappropriate to my situation or activity. Our souls crying for the soothing balm of re-integration and our love searching for the missing piece.
I know this comes as self-serving as are the words of our lovers keeping us to them. This might be selfish but you understand the inclination, don’t you? So, forgive me for that since selfishness isn’t my kind of game, though I fall prey to it when I know I have to choose the lesser of two evils.
I had a dream of typing up this exact entry a few months before the summer season. I remember the sorrow and the ache but mostly the impulse. Needing to let you know that the part of me which remains in love with you, also retains its vigil for your return. It’s not impossible because if it were, we wouldn’t dream of one another – you wouldn’t fear falling prey to my sexual magnetism and I would have my apathy. Nothing was insurmountable while we were together and even now, I know our chapter isn’t done. I’ve been verbally battered and tormented by friends and family refusing to see me unhappy: they spew hate and their conjectures are way off in a bid to erase my love for you, my want of you. Thing is, the blaze in my eyes is enough to shut them up and accept whatever decisions I make and the action I take. Yeah, I was lost for a while and keeling over and it wasn’t only through the support of family and friends that kept me from self-destructing (though I owe them the world for every minute they came to my aid the second I asked for it): I had visions in a temple and outside in dense woods of you and I. They told me to keep the door open for you and it was, at the time, so unfairly demanded of me when I couldn’t find true North, couldn’t pick myself back up. I was begging for mercy and it never came in the way I wanted and thought I needed. Resistance is futile when it comes to Destiny: eventually, we all enter and step onto the path preordained.
I am yours and you are mine. The part of me that you have will always wait for you. I’m not ashamed to admit it, though others tried to invoke shame/embarrassment in a fumbled way of helping me get over you. I can live with the pieces of you I have, peacefully, for the rest of my life without having you. I can look back on us and remember my best friend without resentment and anger. I know that our paths will cross again, in multiples, like stars rotating in a far off galaxy because we will always be drawn to each other. Nothing is impossible where we are concerned because we will stand the test of time: our families and friends will always rally around us: “Some succeed because they are destined to; others succeed because they’re determined to.” There is no judgement, if that’s something you worry about, as long as we work to persevere. As I strove to prove to your network that I was worthy of you, only to realize it wasn’t necessary so the same applies for you with regards to my circle of loved ones. Your various aunts and uncles have been great advocates of us. Finally, I think we both know the things our friends will say to keep us propped up verses what we can shift out as the false platitudes from the overly aggressive statements maligning our characters. We’re still stronger than we care to admit, especially when we think we’ve lost the strength to buck up and go forth again. I thought every fight would kill me and that I didn’t have it in me to see us through another: I was wrong. If it had been true, we would have stopped back in 2009. I still love you and I know you still love me. You don’t have to keep taking the path of most resistance, surely you see by now Door 3 where you can quit combating yourself and your guilt?
It’s a common trope of our relationship, friendship and romantically, that we face large hurdles which we always manage to leap over. The current one tests our ability to forgive and forget, to acknowledge the Universe’s plans or not and finally, to see what is true over feeling what is not. There is no room for failure because we don’t know how to and there’s only us facing another challenge without fear and doubt. Should you ever read this, when you feel you have the right words, you only have to take the first step and I will be waiting. I know you worry about hurting another as I acknowledge the same for me. The risk of being forced to find each other again, in a different time and place, seems so foolish to do to immortal spirits. However, we must make do with what we have – I have the strength that you may not and if Destiny is watching, perhaps I can do us both justice when she comes a-callin’. We are who we are because we had each other. Our story isn’t done so, I’ll be here when you need me. I’ll always be there when you do: being your rock and the safety net of those I love is who I am. My heart is pure, regardless of all the shit thrown my way and that golden glow lights the way to happiness for all in my life: I am vivacious energy rebounding with God-like foresight. The strength of my spirit keeps beating out the same tempo as love songs and writing the timeless stories meant to keep people warm in times of darkness. Do you understand what our love is and who we are?
There were many instances I wished I had your memory – if I could forget, I wouldn’t choose to forget our anniversary or your birthday. I would choose to let go of the little things and get over the big fights as long as your heart and mind stayed open to me. I wish I had your ability to push things out of your mind and have the bliss of ignorance. But the feelings would remain anyway and demand attention/resolution – a burden neither of us should have to carry. So, what’s the point of trying to reach you when I know you don’t have to read any of this and can delete it from your mind? The point is addressing my end of things, knowing fully that it might not matter to you at all but staying true to who I am at the same time. It’s to let you know how I’ll always be where you need me and recalling everything you’ve said, done and become, my friend. We all need someone to carry some parts of the stories and secrets that make up our lives. I have seven years of your life and you have seven of mine. I regret little and hope you’re learning to do the same. Happy Anniversary, Beck.