Trust Fund

Him: No, I don’t understand how “some part of you” will always be in love with your ex. I need all of you. I have to have all of you to myself.

Me: You’re trying to look me in the eye and tell me some part of you doesn’t still love your first gf or first love?

Him: I love my memories of her…

Me (cold stare): …and the college age you still loves her, am I right?

Him: It’s not the same! What I feel for you is nothing I’ve ever experienced!

Me (shaking my head): If I got a grand for everytime I’ve heard that in these last few months…

Him: Why can’t we be exclusive?

Me: Like I told my Texan and I will tell you, again, I’m not ready-

Him: I think you like being a cock tease-

Me  (with a scoff): If I wanted to sexually torment you, trust me, you’d know by now!

Him: Then why do everything but fuck me?

Me: I need to see clear STI panels from everyone and once I have my baseline (starting with paperwork clearly stating I’m not carrying a disease nor are you), I’d feel more comfortable knowing that not only am I disease free but nobody will be able to manipulate/accuse me of spreading a God damn thing.

Him: That doesn’t make sense. I know I’ve got a clean dick. You’ve got three other guys on your line, how would you know who gave who what?!

Me: This is why the Texan is in the running: he’s done his due diligence, too-

Him: The Texan is the one you’re most likely to choose! I’ve got everything you could want in a guy: I’m rich, young, fertile and well educated and traveled! We’ll travel everywhere and anything you could want, I’ll provide, I swear I promise!

Me: Careful with promises. I take them seriously and I don’t use the word lightly or frequently. You have to know all your limits, strengths and weaknesses to make a promise. You essentially say your word is your bond.

Him: I promise! You’re my muse – I’ve never met anyone with your brightness and intelligence. I would have never thought to call this “sex water” or describe sex in terms of smell. You make me laugh and see the world differently. I feel like I can take on the world when you’re by my side. I swear I’ll never hurt you the way your ex did-

Me: Stop! This is how I know you’re not ready to take me on-

Him: But I am! I know you’re wary about love and I get that you’re tired of starting from step one, year one and building a lifetime of relationships with a beau’s circle of support. I won’t leave you and I won’t betray you-

Me: You can’t even understand how or why a part of me will always love Beck-

Him: Because he was lucky to have you and he threw it all away. He and his new gf deserve each other – it was by the grace of God that he ever had a day, nevermind six years, with you. Why don’t you get that he doesn’t love you, he never did? Why wait for someone who wasted it all away and hasn’t been able to see his mistake-

Me: Dude, I’m leaving.

Him: and come back to you! No! You’re running away-

Me: No, I’m calmly and collectively, leaving.

Him: Because I’m finally telling you the truth you won’t accept?

Me: Because you’re desperately spouting hate in a terrible bid to minimize what Beck and I had for your gain. You think I would have stayed with Beck if I felt for a moment he truly hated me or loathed our relationship? It’s such a fucking insult to my emotional intelligence to suggest that I know nothing about love and how to make a relationship last and work!

Him: No, I’m saying that wasting another second thinking about your ex and holding back a part of yourself is the wrong thing to do! He doesn’t love you the way I do: if he did, he’d be here! You know that’s true just as you should know no aspect of him can still be in love with you. It’s a fucking tragic loss to society and your family and friends if you latch onto such an unworthy lover-

Me: Listen to me: if you trash my ex one more time, I’m out that door for good!

Him: Then, explain why any part of you loves him and how your heartache will allow for future happiness with someone else.

Me: My capacity to love is immense and the best illustration I can give you is a one billion puzzle piece picture of a soul. There will be someone who helps me put the picture of a whole soul together and other people who will swap pieces of their puzzle for mine. In that way, I’ll always have a part of them and they will have me. For the longest time, I thought my heart of gold was becoming tarnished and blackened with each ex-lover leaving their bruising marks on it and leaving me doubtful of my value and integrity. But I know now that to get the purest quality of gold, the dirt and other nonsense,like cheating, must be burned off: searing pain that tests my ability to get up for the one thousandth time. I know some part of Beck is still in love with me because I still feel him. When I tell you that my love for him will always remain, it doesn’t mean I won’t ever love someone else again! How else do you think we’re here?! I’m not playing games with anyone – I’m above that. From the start I told you the deal and you accepted: don’t try my patience by acting like an adolescent in love and using your petty anger to evoke a promise or declaration from me-

Him: What else am I supposed to do to get you to stay

Me: I’m not a fucking pet!

Him: I love you! I want us to be together starting yesterday and I don’t know how else to prove to you that I’ll never hurt you or leave you. I want a family with you-

Me: NO! I don’t know those things because those take time to manifest via actions and decisions. In five years time, Chris messed up my face and trust in others. I thought Beck and I would make it all the way to our death beds together once we cleared 5 years without him ever raising a hand to me.

Him: Now, you would really take seven years of waiting to see my worst flaws or to see if I would cheat on you before you’d commit to raising a family with me?

Me: No, I don’t have that kind of time anymore-

Him: Then, why spend anymore time thinking you and your ex can reunite? Won’t it be too embarrassing to get back together with a cheater that your friends have tried to keep you from, nevermind all the family members-

Me: Shut the fuck up! You have no idea what you’re talking about: if Beck and I got back together, our families would rejoice! It’d be proof that some in my generation don’t give up on a relationship/anything when things get tough. We’d be the example of matured love recognizing seven years of progress that can’t be easily given up and having the fortitude to work through our issues like any other married couple knowing compromise is what it takes to stay together. However, it’s not happening because I’m lying here with you and if you keep up this tirade, I won’t be much longer.  Are we clear!

Him: How can anyone hope to keep you? You’ll always be the one who got away-

Me: I’m tired of hearing and learning that. Why can’t you just give me the time and space I need?

Him: So you can choose the Texan and have babies crawling around speaking Chinese with a southern drawl?

Me (laughing pretty hard): They’ll fit just fine in a Chinese opera with the horrible twangs and high-pitched screeches!

Him (amused but sad): It’s your finely balanced self-deprecating humor that will be hard to replace…

Me: Way to kill it, guy. Would a kiss make everything better?

Him: A single kiss can erase all wrongs-

Me: The only wrong I could do to you is giving you something unsure upon which you would build a life that can’t be upheld by something so untrue. I know you don’t want to wait any longer and it’s that longer that I need.

Him (a mirthless chuckle): Just now, I felt a small shock and I’m just beginning to know what you mean about keeping a piece of yourself for someone else. I’m afraid that if a time ever came where you would become available to me, I’ll have made a horrendous decision tying me to someone new. That I will have made a commitment out of my fear of being alone, being bereft of you…

Me: I don’t expect of you what I cannot do. We must go forth living our lives and being able to live with our decisions, good and bad-

Him: So, you think it’s better to live with a bad decision than to try to avoid or rectify one?

Me: Hell no! It’s not-, that’s the- grrr! “Love means you never have to say sorry,” have you ever heard that?

Him: Maybe, but what does that have to do with our situation or this discussion?

Me: I said it