Beck’s response

Beck wrote on 11/08/2016: “I asked you not to contact me, but you’ve done it twice now. I’m blocking your email address. I wish you all the happiness in the world, but please don’t contact me again. I am moving on. I am happy, and I am growing. I think you should do the same.”

I should check my email box more frequently but my response, albeit very late,:

I’m grown and I’m happy with who I am and I have been for over two decades. The insinuation that I grow is conceit coming from someone still discovering himself. I know you’re happy because I inquire and I get a response: I want your happiness to continue that way. Your happiness and peace of mind were always the priority. I find it puzzling that you wish me “all the happiness in the world” but you deny me the joy of your friendship.

I didn’t want to forward Donna’s text because I was proud of myself for staying out of reach. However, my hand was forced on Halloween because the people you assured, once you dropped a cell account, would be able to reach you through MY accounts were trying to find you. You’ve been saying you’re happy and you’re growing as a daily mantra because you need to whereas I let myself feel all the dammed up emotions you wouldn’t let me express. None of it killed me the way I thought they would and none of them broke me because I’m still standing, still winning. The cup has emptied, so to speak of the Buddhist meditation technique. If you’re so grown, you’d understand the underlying message of my post on our anniversary: farewell to thee.

I understand it seems like all of me still loves you but that’s unreasonable. In order for me to move along, I have to take all my faith and love to make the fearless leap into opening my heart to someone new. My new boyfriend deserves all that I can give and he accepts that some part of me will always love you. I’m speaking in terms of a Universal love. A heart filled with anger, hate and/or fear is not pure and has no room for love; thus, my heart of gold can love someone else all over again. I’m not nearly as wary of affection now as I was two months ago. In fact, I’m none of the negative emotions I was two months ago and feel more like my old self before I let you in my life. It helps that everyone reminds me of your situation and your behavior: I pity you. I’m not sure how I missed the really bad things about you but then again, I’ve always looked through rose colored glasses. I’m not sorry I loved you and I don’t deny/resent the part of me that still does. I know we’re never getting back together.

Maybe I’m getting the apathy I asked for because I’m not even wounded or made angry by your email: the email that drips with obvious hate/disdain. I wanted you to know you have a good friend in me; even if you’re not worthy of it and you’ve given up your end of our friendship, I have not. I know not to throw away good people and you’re capable of being a good person, handsome. I’ve forgiven it all and forgotten 98% of it because I wasn’t built like you.

Please, whether it’s by your design or coincidence, could you let me have some private time with your parents like I had for weeks before you moved back in with them? Yes, I stay in touch with both via cell and we’ve been trying to navigate a place and time but it’s disrupted by your presence. Why haven’t you just moved in with your new girlfriend? You resented your parents for months and rejected their offer of a room up to now. I’m glad you’re getting over it, but could you move on to the next phase of nest building so that I can spend time with my Mama D and Pop S and Benji? I’m asking nicely, please. They matter most to me.