Doubtless

You should know I’ve never been the type of person who relied on her looks or used them to an unfair advantage. My mother forbade me to use make up before the age of 16, by which point, I didn’t have the same interest to use or perfect using beauty products as I did when I was say, 10 or 12. Even now, it’s still very basic make-up applications using only lip gloss/liner and mascara to highlight my best features. Mostly, I’ve gotten by on my intelligence and charisma, alone, all these years and never really got to gauge what it is that attracts strangers and acquaintances to me. Often, I’m surprised at the lengths to which men and women will go to fulfill my request(s) but it’s extremely helpful when I need something (assistance or product) outside business rules and social expectations. Today was one of those occasions.

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A little inspiration

Watch “Midnight Special” starring Michael Shannon and Kirsten Dunst for just a great sci-fi and “religious” experience (if you’ve ever seen “Cloud Atlas” and enjoyed it so will you enjoy this one, too). I remember being told that spiritual energy, the human soul, never dies. It just goes out and becomes something else in the next stage of life. My grandmother promised she’d always watch over and for me: my destiny is not yet done. Some people come into this world already possessing this transformation and it’s their burden to figure out the next steps without causing harm, without sinning against the balance of life and death. Try that one on when you’re just grasping your fourth language in as many years making up your life.

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My Resignation (Part II)

Written on 12/23/2016 and the date only matters because Part III might be confusing.

I might be panicking that I made a big boo-boo by leaving Buki and the pets to someone else; some fears are financial but the rest stem from guilt and anxiety of the unknown. I know the type of woman Buki’s mother is (I lived with her subjecting me to unfounded “cures” for my asthma and eczema in the 80’s to early aughts: my mom) and I’m seriously considering the crime of theft to save the life of a dog who’s absolutely worth it. Do I turn back? I know I could have my job back in an instant if I asked but I know I can’t stem the tides of change and whether it’s further physical injury from my charge or no longer being able to watch the emotional and mental pain being inflicted upon every living thing in that house. His mother could have simply waited another 2 weeks for the new therapist to arrive before switching him from yet another private school (almost all in NY are not held accountable like our public schools). But the very thing I predicted occurred: Buki reacted against his new young, 6 ft, 220 lbs of muscle [who just got done playing professional basketball] therapist in a negative way.

Quicker than I could have managed to cross the kitchen, where I was making dinner, into the TV room (Buki can play possum – he waits until you are close enough or he has managed to quietly sneak up on you before attempting to hurt you), the new therapist was tackled (he, too, bought Buki’s docile behavior that day) from the side. In seconds, I hear the painful and panicking screams coming from him because Buki literally had his fingernails digging into his eye sockets so, I grabbed Buki around the waist from behind and he parlayed with his well-known kangaroo kick. This kid has such long legs, ballerinas and the Rockett’s kickline team are jealous and he’s not even done growing! Buki knows what he is doing when he is fighting but doesn’t know why and that inability to process his feelings simply creates more rage and confusion. He’s in a type of self preservation mode but that doesn’t excuse the trauma and damage done. I’ve never blacked out from a physical altercation so, I wasn’t prepared when the back of my skull cracked against the granite topped half wall behind me and I lost all ability to breath, orient myself and the use of my legs for a few terrifying seconds. The police were called (his new therapist works for a company that reports all incidents no matter the severity because they have to watch their backs against lawsuits/claims of abuse) and we were both taken to the ER. I have to wake up every few hours for the next few days though I doubt I’ll stop breathing as I sleep. Is any job or amount of money worth permanent damage?

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A chill

is no longer an issue when I received this baby! I don’t like the waffle weave so popular in bathrobes these days. I find that the threads begin fraying after a few washes or easily snag on things which doesn’t indicate quality or longevity of the garment. I’ve been missing the $200 white terry cloth robe I had before the house fire but didn’t want to pay the price+inflation. Since I’m no longer tied up with Buki and the pets (I do and will keep visiting to make sure Whitey is on the up and up. Last Monday, I discovered him screaming in the house when I arrived. The oldest child said he’d been doing that all Sunday because of an injury he got. I tried scooping him up into my car but Whitey couldn’t handle it and hid under a heavy piece of furniture. At that point, Buki’s bus arrived and 15 after that, his new therapist. Whitey was hunched over at a weird angle but no longer crying, though I almost was because his vet’s office was closed… I’ll dedicate a different post to Whitey’s situation a little later because it’s too much and too unkind for an old animal), I have time on my hands before classes. It’s cold in my room and colder still after a hot bath 😛 I’m lucky that some people pay close attention to my ramblings and can infer to what I need without me saying a thing, tehehe. Thank you, my friend! The weight of this robe is nice and heavy and I love how it envelopes me – look into it if you’re on the search for a heavy 100% cotton (this is a must) spa/bath robe not only because it’s luxurious but it’s going to be around for a long time, too, with less maintenance than the waffle kind. Tip: Buy a size or two larger than you normally would wear because this is about a comfy, relaxing and indulgent experience; if you want sexy, go for the satin kimono robes I favor from VS or the silk ones from Princesse Tam Tam.

Mine

*Written 1/3/2017 when it was one of those infrequent days I could convince myself and my heart that it’s okay we’re not together in the here and now…maybe another lifetime when he’s stronger and more confident and I have the patience, nay, the strength to wait without knowing what’s in store. When he’s sorted himself out and I’ve forgotten who we were… when we meet, the same fireworks display, then, we become one again. Any sooner and I know it’d be much like this scene for myself because I still feel like this, still feel you whispering in my ear the last time I was in your arms.

Sometimes, I picture you reading, writing, listening to music/movies with your ear buds on while you’re in a Starbucks. I wondered if you were alone when you shot off your last email to me or with someone else by your side, supporting you, because I know how you are when you’re volatile and vulnerable. I wonder if you have the respect to keep away your new ___ from my blog, my little piece of the ‘Net. I wonder if you’ve become strong enough to brave me and my words. Then, I realize it doesn’t matter. These last few months will mean nothing in another year and they’ll be just another two line blurb in the summation of my life; that’s not to say our seven years will be as easy to wash away in a year’s time. The part of my heart that belongs to you begs the rest of me to turn back because it’s never too late. While everyone rushes me to lock down and throw away my memories/our love, I know eventually, I’ll admit it’s too late and walk away forever but in my own time, in my own way. Do you ever think of our happiest times? How can I be you and push something so far from my mind that it blurs until its no more?

When I see you again, I’ll have mine.
You won’t be mine.
I’ll have another love of my own
The career I thought was out of my reach?

Mine now.

When you see me again, love of mine
You won’t see yourself reflected in these bright, happy eyes of mine
The heartache I thought would be forever?

Not mine.

When I see you again, I’ll be a stranger
Give back the pieces that are mine
Puzzle pieces of my heart I gave you
The parts of you-

No longer mine. No longer desired.

When you see me again, I’ll be stronger
I’ll have risen and the world will be mine

When I see you again, I’ll remember
I will know: I don’t need you anymore.

I got minestill getting it all
No longer wounded by your lies.

A surprising heart-to-heart

The doctor is NOT a head doc/shrink 😛

Doc: We’re on schedule to seeing you off the CII by Oct or Nov of this year, barring anymore accidents/falls and we can always go with a nerve block if we see any regression with the CRPS. What has your GI said about your Crohn’s?

Me: He put me on prednisone back in Dec. and though the symptoms have scaled back on severity, they’re still present.

Doc: Are they going to give you a stronger dose or planning for something other than pharmaceuticals?

Me: I won’t go on a stronger dose of prednisone right now. I know from my asthma attacks and bouts of pneumonia that more and more prednisone is required each time my body tolerates a new level of it. I also don’t like the insane energy/lack of sleep I get while on it. So, I’m fasting for now and drinking ginger ale. It’s worked before though it can take 3 months to calm down the Crohn’s flare up.

Doc: You have to take better care of yourself! How else are you getting through med school?

Me: With an arsenal of doctors to keep me sane and my body functioning 😉

Doc: You, youngsters, take everything for granted like there’s all the time in the world. Like when are you getting married already?

Me (being a little sassy): When I finish med school and have a suitable partner?

Doc: Aren’t you still dating the Texan financial analyst/advisor? Wasn’t he the good one?

Me (laughing that my dr. recalls anything about my love life): The Texan and the financial analyst/advisor are two different people. But no, no longer exclusive.

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