A seeker might never finish his journey because then, he would be a Finder.
Let’s start with Valentine’s Day and the debacle of letting someone down gently. The teacher/musician-songwriter actually got on my case about my plans (just staying low key and being with friends) when we had a planned date for Thursday. I’m going to transcribe his litany of words and my texts back. For what it’s worth, I can’t read tone in texts and emails. A handwritten letter or phone call is so much more do-able.
Me: Hope you have someone to spend it ( Valentine’s Day) with!
Musician: I don’t! I am waiting until Thursday to spend it with you 😉 Are you spending it with someone?
Me (playing coy): Are you afraid your competition has a leg up on ya? (I’m spending it with friends on “Stupid Cupid” Day).
Musician: Yes I am. I am worried about Tx guy (*I think I’ve already mentioned I’ve slipped trying to juggle them, myself and time; I know that might make me a player but so be it*) and the fact you keep on saying “friend” to me. If I knew you were spending it with friends, I would have invited you out in NYC tonight instead of Thurs.
Me: I pretty much use the phrase “my friend” as often as any salutation I express in my social circle. You expected me to be on a one-on-one date tonight (Valentine’s Day) with someone, other than yourself, which is why you suggested Thursday?!
Musician: Maybe… I assumed you were still seeing Tx because you kept saying friend…
Me: It’s generally wise to make inquiries, rather than assumptions, on any subject with me. Yes, I’ve been hanging out with the Texan but I’m doubting anything more than friendship will come of it. I told you months ago that I’m not ready for a relationship and I’m not actively seeking one out. You said you understood and that there’s no pressure, correct?
Musician: Totally understood that
Musician: I am looking for dating and in the same boat. Sorry I didn’t inquire because maybe we would be sitting across from each other eating sushi right now and go to hear music afterward.
[this text message exchange is happening at 8:30 pm while I’m sitting next to a friend (who gave me the rose in the picture) and trying out a new restaurant with him (as he’s reading them over my shoulder). We both detect the neediness and whining.]
Me: That’s something that can be done on any day, not just Valentine’s Day. I want to make this clear so that no one gets hurt down the line: I am *not* looking for a commitment with anyone and even short term dating is off the table.
Musician: So you just want a buddy… No dating at all?
Me: I don’t want a fuck buddy if that’s what you’re inferring. But a friend to hang out with, see the latest movie/Broadway show, etc.? That’s perfectly all right with me. If it’s not with you, I understand.
Musician: I want dating and physical intimacy too… I don’t need a commitment. Fuck buddy sounds harsh…
Me: I can’t be intimate with someone I barely know and as I’ve re-learned with my Texan, intimacy isn’t satisfying without a deeper emotional connection.
Musician: I’m not asking you to have sex right now and I agree it’s better when people care about each other.
Me: But you’re already wound up about my Texan and I spending time together. I don’t want to know how bad a jealous behavior trait (however small) you may have can manifest.
Musician: Hehe. Not wound up! I don’t care who you date as long as I get to date you, too! I’m not jealous, I am dating different people.
Me: I don’t see us having sex or moving beyond the boundaries of friendship. I’m sorry.
Musician: How do you define fuck buddy?
Me: Exactly what the two words entail as single nouns and as a phrase: a person sexually involved with but not emotionally connected to a friend. There is no commitment or future for a fuck buddy.
Musician: Got it. I want more than that. I am not looking for meaningless sex with you! I like you. I thought that you were smart and had a good sense of humor.
Me: A lot of people fit that description.
This dragged on for TWO days as he wrestled with the fact that we were never going to be involved with each other. I felt like a jerk about being so clinical in my language but it’s so much easier when the lines in dating are drawn early on. Especially, when one person [me] is getting through the tail end of ambiguity over her break-up and dealing with people too ready to jump the gun and get married.
Another excerpt from my dating life: Buki’s after-school teacher (the pro-baller) has taken a genuine interest in me and I swear most of it has to be the meddling of my ex-employer. She had been bringing friends around my age to the house to chill and meet me since December. I know she has good intentions and was living vicariously through my dating adventures. She totally loved the Texan and called me out on using flaws I found in ALL my dates as a barrier to my heart. She was right in a way (she knows a part of me still loves my ex but believes I’m too good of a person to waste time being single) and I admit I’m holding them at arm length for two reasons. One, I’m scared to get hurt again because the residual pain still catches me off guard when I think of my ex for too long and two, I want my forever but I have to choose better/get the complete man I’ve wanted all my life. I’m happiest when I have someone to faun over and nurture; I don’t mean in a coddling way, more of an extension of my love way.
Back to Pro-Baller, he reminds me of my cousin Wilson in demeanor and attitude. I like the fact that he breeds pitbulls, following AKC rules and guidelines, so that the American Staffordshire Bull Terrier remains true to the nature of its nickname: the nanny dog. He’s physically very fit (gotta love the triangular shape a man’s upper body takes when his pecs, abs and biceps are just muscle!) and he’s a very good father to his five year old. The latter creates doubts on whether I want the “baby mamma” drama in my life and though, he and his ex were never married, they’re forever linked through this child and must co-parent. I haven’t seen him since I left my position last month and when my ex employer told me that the new nanny went on a date with him, I just dropped the ball. So, his recent text messages threw me in their urgency and sweetness when he admitted to missing me (after all, we saw each other everyday for a max of seven hours a week before I left). Then, he just had to call me “love” in a text and my inability to read tone in text messages sent me reeling. I panicked like a 7th grader and shot the messages over to JP to help me respond. In my opinion, Pro-Baller could have been calling me “love” the way a teacher, who’s also a grandmother, refers to anyone younger than them… but the kissy face emoji’s might signal something else. JP just laughed at me and suggested PB needs to be taught on how to use emojis (YES, my life can be full of these moments where everyone else is enjoying themselves over my situations 😛 ) while suggesting I drop everyone I dated in 2016 [never went on a date with Pro-Baller] for a clean slate. He, too, called me out on my wariness and said it’s time to open my heart again.
Maybe that’s right around the corner when PB returns to NY after taking his son down to NC (his hometown) to see his mother. I know when I want to have that romantic, head-over-heels and completely vulnerable to another person situation again, I will find it or it will find me: it seems to have already. I may lose some of my knick-knacks and my cellphone often but I find them again, eventually. When seeking and finding things are requested of me by others, I have an eerie 100% record. My photographic memory helps when it’s objects but when I have to find a lost dog, child: 100%. So, you see, I know when I want to find that deep connection called love wrapped up in the whole and content person I’ve described before in the past, I shall have him/her. Six months should be enough time to mend the worst of the aches and so, it has. Catch up with you next time, my friend.