How is it already March of 2017! Class is kicking my butt and today is midterms. Next week is Spring Break! I had planned on going to Hong Kong with my buddy but too short of notice for him (plus, the Dept. of State denied him a pass to go).
I’m beginning to see my ex in the same light as my loved ones (friends, too) do since our break-up. If they see me weakening, they firmly remind me that he still hasn’t apologized, hasn’t “manned up” and isn’t worth my love, my time. Six months is up (a deadline they set up) and I’m still standing, he’s still hiding. I know if I willed it so, he and I would cross paths but I haven’t wanted it on an unconscious level. It’s been a difficult task to do in staying away from his parents and pug on a conscious level; be proud of me, though, for having not seen them in over two months and having no contact for four weeks. There is no place for me in the lives which revolve around my ex: it’s been taken by another. The knowledge isn’t crippling anymore and I know that the time when they’ll all be strangers is coming along more quickly. About three or four nights ago, I dreamed of him all night and I woke up without heartache, without deep longing. I’m forging ahead, firmly and alone.
Maybe not so alone 😉 It’s been cute getting hit on by some of my much younger classmates and my T.A. Flattering to know I’m still beautiful and desired. The financial analyst/investor and pro-baller remain as contenders post-Valentine season.The former looks like Antonio Banderas when he smiles or laughs and he’s been the most patient with me. Unlike the Texan who pouted when I couldn’t see him/meet up for a quickie and the musician who threw a fit over not being able to enjoy my body (I’m so relieved I shut down any sexual innuendo he may have tried to engage over texts/phone call; I can only imagine the ugly path that would have forged if he felt “lead on” as if he were somehow entitled to my body and person), the F.A. hasn’t pushed or pressured me into anything so, he gets a lot of credit for self control. I like the fact that both men drive (not because it means they have the money to own a car: it shows that, in any emergency, they can drive my vehicle or theirs to get to safety/help) and it’s not all on me to do the traveling/planning. I like being prepared for the unknown, the worst case scenario and self-reliance: I like others who are that way, too.
Driving isn’t a big deal in the metro area but it makes a difference if you live in the suburbs or need a quick exit. I can’t count how many times I would pick up my ex from Queens (if he slept over after a night with the guys) and he would be all grumpy from being unable to sleep/anything that went wrong with the night. He doesn’t remember any of that but it wore on me the way he would rant or brood in silence after shutting down my questions. If he had been happy or relaxed, it made all the difference, but I didn’t always know who I was picking up: my wonderful man or a thankless grouch. Almost seven years of anxious driving to wherever he was and all of it meaning and adding up to nothing.
F.A. man gave up his car due to the proximity of his home to any transportation to work about three years ago but maintains his driver’s license. Last night, he surprised me by knowing when my midterms were (I had to cancel on him because I was throwing up blood from an ulcer… my professor seriously has the entire section twisted up in knots with his sadism. He actually told us that NONE of us would finish the final [unless you know the material by rote] so that everyone would be graded on a curve. Great, except he deliberately adds in gen. chem. questions [such as knowing the molecular weight of any poly-saccharide] when trying to create any complex carbon molecule with the kits is time consuming enough!). He wants to see me as often as possible next week. He’s really sweet and he knows how to cook! As we chatted away an hour, he made his dinner and lunch for the week 😀 Precious, precious man, tehehe
These past six months have been a test of my person and whether my strengths remain and whether some may actually be weaknesses. My next post is one I’ve worked on for two months and I hope it releases my soul.