Ever have strong premonitions that you want to ignore but the more you try to deny these gut instincts, the more the Universe slams it into your face? I’ve been feeling the irresistible pull towards my ex for a solid week now. Prior to last night, I dreamed of being with Beck and the daily in’s and out’s of seeing his family for three nights straight, all through the night. I didn’t cry until the last night because the ache, the empty space where he should be, slammed my waking conscious state. It’s this crazy gravitational pull I’ve been working against and it’s palatable like I’m carrying the weight of two states plus seven years lost. He still has power over me and as much as I tried breaking away from his loved ones (I *so* had five solid weeks in), the rubberband snap has me ricocheting back. What do I do? What can I do?
I feel like two stars are about to collide again and there’s nothing I can do to change the course. Two Fridays ago, I was in Jersey City with new F.A.D. (his apt. has a gorgeous view of the Manhattan skyline!) but couldn’t spend the night because my mother’s birthday brunch was 8 hours away. I got lost due to the weird street closures for the bars/restaurants at 1:30 am and I didn’t feel in control of how the wheels turned (I *did* just get new tires so that could be a reason for the disconnect but I’m normally very on point with my internal compass). I felt like my ex was very near though it would be impossible. I’m learning that certain pains, especially losing a loved one, may never go away, never forgotten: we simply learn to adjust and live with it.
So, to avoid whatever Fate has laid out, I was trying to keep busy with fixing my car, getting my hair trimmed, doing my nails, spending time in spas and hanging out in places I normally have to be dragged into: Ulta and Sephora. A quirky observation: since I’m getting older, I’m finding women (strangers and friends of friends) want to spend time with me chatting about any topic and then, they give me their contact info. They’re not catty or bitchy and I’ve made a few new female friends this way! It’s amazing because I can count the number of female friends I have on two hands. Maybe they’re married and/or matured enough to quit judging me or being intimidated by me to allow a genuine dialogue to develop. They’ve given me great advice, boat loads of deluxe samples (cosmetics and skincare alike) and put me in contact with higher up’s.
I’m a little frazzled and I’ll elaborate more another time on the ladies and my dating life. Aside from the dreams and getting my car perfect, my father left for Hong Kong (I should have gone with this time but maybe next year) today so it was on me to help him pack and get him to the airport in the crazy rains we had (the flooding was obscene at certain points) PLUS the traffic: don’t get me started on Tri-State drivers. A bientot, mes amis!