Who art thou to speak on love and relationships?

This is going to be rambling because I do not know where to start. How about my day; it started with a car that didn’t want to fire up immediately (she’s 12 years old and these “hiccups” have persisted these last 3 years. I know she can only hold up well for another 3 years and then, it’ll be time to find and pay for a new depreciating asset 😦 ) en route to my cousin-in-law’s baby shower. It’s a huge surprise because they’ll have been married less than year when the expected due date arrives. I’m extremely happy for her! She fits into our loud, sometimes brawling family and she speaks the same dialect ^_^ We love her and we’re keeping her!

At the same event, I get cornered by my Aunt Terry to RSVP to her son’s engagement party WHILE her potential daughter-in-law is standing next to me. Here’s the contentions I (plus the majority of our family members) have about my Timmy’s engagement: it’s his first serious relationship and only 3 years old. In my culture, you have to date for FIVE before you even consider marriage because anything less isn’t enough time for a person’s idiosyncrasies/major flaws to reveal themselves and to be evaluated. Precedence in our family tree supports that wisdom: all my cousins who married under the five year mark are all divorced. Then, there’s the fact that my cousin’s fiancee will not eat our cultures dishes: she doesn’t even make an attempt to try. Why are you marrying a Chinese guy if you don’t enjoy a major aspect of the cultural via cuisine?! My cousin knew this and the very first Chinese New Year banquet he brought her to, she asked for a Chinese take-out type dish to be made especially for her because with a sneer, I quote, “I [she] don’t like this stuff. I can’t eat it.” She was sitting at a table of 12 with large family-style platters being shared and didn’t apologize for the affront as everyone else did eat “it” (the wonderful traditional foods). Timmy tried to spin some of the backlash as our aunts, uncles and other elders being racist/ethnocentric and I slapped him down. ALL (meaning two) of my non-Asian boyfriends were welcomed and they (i.e. only Beck) had the common decency to try to engage in our culture and cuisine without insulting others. I think it’s telling that Chris wouldn’t eat certain dishes so, that relationship was doomed. Chris’ refusal to make even the smallest attempt was insulting to everyone, as is this new girl. Timmy can’t see that and I can’t force him to because he’ll just dig in his heels. Amongst the first US born generation on my mom’s side, we think Timmy is trying to emulate my cousin (who’s wife is the mom-to-be) in fear of being left out. The kid is 27 but he has issues not yet resolved (his ADHD, inability to handle his drink, etc.) and the imaginary pressure isn’t being addressed.

The ironic twist is that my cousin-in-law feels her husband was under some impression that they had to get pregnant now (before a year was up) so, they did. I know my cousin’s best friend had a child almost two years ago and they have some fantasy that their children can only be best friends if they’re close in age. My cousins still live with my aunt, have four dogs (3 huge Huskies and an American Eskimo) AND his older brother is home, too. Why, for the love of God, toss in a major responsibility and financial drain when you can’t even afford to move out to a place of your own?! I love children but I’m very realistic about the fiscal planning that should go into family planning. I don’t think government money should be supporting poor decision making (children of rape aside).

I might be speaking out of turn, due to denial, because my body is demanding a baby. I know I’m running out of time for healthy, strong children as I approach 36 and I know I can freeze my eggs. However, I believe the scientific research that says frozen embryos are more viable than unfertilized eggs but I’m not willing to go the sperm bank route (at least, not yet. We’ll see what happens when I’m 35, tehehe! 😉 ). I think my body’s demand is rolling off me in waves with really strong currents: repeatedly, the all Italian male staff kissed me and hugged me hard throughout the 3 hr luncheon. I tried to pass it off as friendliness (their accents revealed their immigrant status and they were so much older than me, I saw it as harmless) until my little cousin pointed out that they were only doing that to me. I swear I saw them hug my aunts, mom and others but I wasn’t keeping track. Then, the husbands began showing up to get their wives and children and to help move the goods out of the restaurant. Two women were very not happy with me when I didn’t even know either pair and made no effort to introduce myself to their husbands! If they did a double take, they probably couldn’t figure out who I was (I’ve definitely lost weight since my cousins’ May wedding), right?

I can’t save my Timmy from heartache because unsolicited advice is just overbearing and invasive. If I could impart my wisdom I’d tell him to slow down and to meet our elders half way by hearing out their grievances with his new fiancee. I’m not saying they get to dictate who we love and marry but if he wants his fiancee and future children to enjoy the same tight knit family relationships he grew up with, then he must concede to some changes or risk being shunned/left out, whether voluntarily or not. You can’t just take and behave like a 5 year old when you don’t get things exactly your way. It’s also important your significant other make some effort to build her own bridges with us or she’ll always feel alienated at family events/when he isn’t around. But who am I to talk? My long-term relationships have all burned despite my best efforts, my positive intentions. In 36 hrs, I’ll be cutting the last thread to my ex and hand over the memories I managed to salvage (mostly pictures). I think my relationship with his parents is becoming more a burden than pleasure for them and I love them enough to let them go ^_^ I’m really hoping you’ll be around when I return, my friend. I will need you to bolster me, to remind me how far I’ve come in 8 months. Because I’ll feel like I’m dying inside all-over again; my heart will tear a piece of itself off as the goodbye to everything surrounding Beck is finalized. The tears will flow but time must move on as do I, right?

“By Force or wisdom gained, a broken heart must mend. Love will always find a way to renew itself.”

I got a fortune cookie, today, that read, “There’s a good chance of a romantic encounter soon,” and I thought to myself, “Great! I just wish I had the capacity to see it and accept it.” In all this time, three men have confessed their love to me and I couldn’t reciprocate. I tried, I really did but I know a kind of love, the deep soulful one, that I can’t unlearn. I am the fool who gave up blissful ignorance to follow and experience the magnetic pull Beck and I had. I thought if enough Time passed, I could forget or at least, get lost in someone new until the heartache abated. Maybe I just need to be more patient but we know the folly of ignoring our instincts. I knew, when they admitted their feelings, I could learn to love and care about them but I wasn’t in love. I would not be doing them a great service by stringing them along while I sorted my head and heart: it’s selfish to use people for personal gain and give nothing in return. I wasn’t built to be selfish, deceptive and heartless. I promise, my friend, I am trying at love. It’s just not easy anymore…