This sums up my emotional state

Tsum tsum, baby!

How can you not like little, chubby cuteness? Don’t be heartless, my friend 😉 I need something (one?) to cuddle up to… because I saw my ex’s mother yesterday. It was supposed to be the perfect time to tie off another relationship to Beck and a final Mother’s Day gift. Of course, all my careful planning went out the window (I tend to rush getting ready and in that running about, a detail or two will always fall through) with a package of photos. Then, three major accidents en route (two in the opposite direction but everyone enjoys rubbing necking on both sides >=o( ) and being late for the hair appointment I set up ($125 well worth the end result for the haircut and shine; we have to go back to tone down the red lowlights even though, over all, it makes her look younger). We stayed for two hours to gently strip the bad black dye job to make it accept the new colors. Afterwards, a fun, light dinner at a Korean place (I used up this month’s spicy consummation but *so* worth it!) and “dessert” at Starbucks. I also got to see Benji who, at 11 years old, has a white goatee on his black pug mug: completely precious! I love him so much for his cuteness and intelligence; I taught him how to “shake paw-to-hand” in 10 minutes with only positive reinforcement 🙂

Throughout our 5 hours together, MD (ex’s mom) and I chatted away about everything from the staple family, job and current affairs to dating (that took up about 3 hrs, lol). I was careful to only ask about my ex’s well-being, once, since MD made it clear a long time ago that it hurts her to talk about him and his new gf with me: so we just don’t, in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” manner. I know she’s sparing me discomfort and pain and along those same reasons, I also didn’t enter the house to see Benji: MD brought him out to me. To keep from upsetting her son, MD thought it best to avoid confrontation between Beck and I because it’s his house and he shouldn’t feel uncomfortable in it; the same reason that prompted her to ask me to pick her up at the end of the block (but I couldn’t let her walk/wait in those winds so drove halfway to grab her before our appointment.)

My friends saw that as an affront to me and that I shouldn’t even send the pictures but “cold turkey” my break-a-way. I love my friends but I don’t let other people dictate my relationships (when I’m strong of mind and emotionally stable: as I am now). I still love all of them and when I tried to suggest this would be the last time I’d see MD, I teared up. It’s one thing to think of something to yourself but it’s another to say it aloud/implement it, you know? It meant a lot when MD mentioned Beck saying, “Hi. I hope all is well with you,” but I understood her unspoken indication that I take no more from that: he still has a gf and our deal remains unbroken on not asking, not telling. I have to assume that if MD volunteers anything on Beck, it’s on his direction or permission. I’m so glad it’s not that way with regards to other family members, though I pulled away after the holidays, and I’m really happy to hear how MD’s sons are re-grouping and becoming close again. She and PS, her husband, acknowledged the turmoil their household was in when I met everyone. MD laments that fact and wishes, too, that I could have experienced a more united household. The love and acceptance MD and PS continue to show for me is impeccable when I think back to the cold welcome 7 years ago. Seeing their sons happy, and Beck specifically, warms their heart. I think they’ve come a long way in understanding their Americanized children are a blend of Old World and New World. MD and PS are learning to trust the decision-making skills of their sons and in return, their sons are able to relax/meet them halfway.

As I prepared to leave, I gave Benji his favorite ear scratches and there was one moment I intensely felt my ex’s eyes on me. I wanted to turn and look upon his face (I miss it so much) but I noticed the frown on MD’s face as she looked up towards the bay windows of the house. I took that as my cue not to turn around and maybe it was for the best because the emotional toll has been a lot to process. When I left, it was for Jersey City and F.A.D. On the way, I needed a bathroom badly what with having eaten a lot of spicy food and drank a ton of water. My bladder is a tank but even it has limits. I called F.A.D. to let him know I would stop in Chinatown first (no way was I going to let him see what I thought was a Crohn’s flare up but was just air in my gut, lol) and return to Jersey after (he’s been paying the $15 tolls as a means of seeing me often when I don’t want to take the LIRR, then the PATH. Especially given the recent spat of train wrecks, in the NE Corridor, being terrifying news. I don’t want to drown inside a train car under the Hudson)! He decided to throw a mini tantrum over the lost time and not being able to have as much sex as he wanted. Then, he demanded that I sext (even though I was driving) him until I got to his apartment for “being a tease.” Lord, I hate how it can take up to 12 weeks before a person shows their true colors: such a fucking waste of time! He might not be the softboy the Texan turned out to be but the narcissism and entitlement cloud new F.A.D.’s good qualities. I told him off and emphasized how we aren’t bound to each other: i.e., “breaking up” with him using today’s terminology.  I get really disgusted the way some men project stereotypes and their fanciful expectations unto me and think it’s normal and acceptable. F.A.D. was attempting to guilt me into something I wasn’t ready for and I did feel a twinge of a guilt because I got off but he didn’t the first time we got together. I have a post on softboys verses fuckboys coming up that will explain the situation better. Anyway, suffice it to say that I never turned back west once I got to Manhattan and I haven’t returned F.A.D.’s texts/ calls. It’s getting easier to let go of people but whether that’s a good thing isn’t clear to me, my friend.